[kin]

[kin]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I fall in. I am lost, I am hopeless, It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But I believe it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I see it is there, I still fall in, it‘s a habit. I know where I am, It is my fault. I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

xxxxxxxxxx

Dear dairy
From Aug 2005 to Aug 2016
Every time I stop gambling. Every time I successfully walk away from placing the first gamble. I grow in confident but it has also given me a false hope that I could also stop gambling after I have gamble.

I have always wanted to become that group of minority who was different from all the rest who have succeeded in life, I wanted to be special like them.
Gambling offer quick return, is easily accessible, conveniently located and available everywhere and anytime.

I was determine to make it in gambling and very stubborn about it. Regardless of what I need to do and how long it will take me to make it, I was determine and willing to perseveres and succeed at all cost

I realized later that it would take a very special group of elite people to succeed and I was not one of them . It will be very difficult for me to stop gambling after I have started gambling most of the times because I was impulsive, obsessive and compulsive which makes me very unsuitable for gambling.

The same determination and perseverance that has served me well in my career in the past have now brought me prolong misery and devastation in my life by gambling.
Did I really care that I have brought so much misery and suffering to my love ones and those around me? If I did, why did I still do such things that brought hurt and harm to them. It shows that I was selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.

I have taken much longer than it take to accept that I cannot stop after a few gambles like a normal person and it is time for me to change. It is time for me to made adjustment to my life and walk down a different street.

It is now time for me to give up the FALSE HOPE completely in this life and follow GOD.

This is my journal, walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary
When I saw this person I have not met for more than 15 years at the coffee house, I didn’t choose the easy way, I didn’t walk away. I introduce myself. This is an honest man who has handed me a sum of money many years ago. He is 68 years old now. I thought I would never have the chance to pay him back the money in this lifetime.
I visited him in his home, I told him what has happen to me in the past. He understands. I told him I do not have all the money now but I want to made amend, I plan to break it down into 20 monthly installments and passed him the first payment.
I am grateful and thankful to God for this chance. Maybe this man was send to save my recovery.
When I was gambling and drinking, I turn into this selfish, self-centered and self-seeking person, meeting him give me an opportunity to put into action his interest before mine. It will help me stay focus and committed to him first and not me for 20 months.
There is a strange quietness and peace in my life now. It is really a strange feeling, I do not feel unrest, insecure, discontend, dissatisfied, and fear, there is now this calmness and belief that everything is going to fall into place. It was so different one week ago.

[kin]

Dear diary

Sometime God did not give me what I ask for. Sometime God did not take away all my troubles and temptation in life but He does give me enough grace and I experience peace and freedom so I have no reason to complain. I am grateful to God for everything.

Kin

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for your support and kind words on my thread. I have seen the Liz Murray movie. She is a very inspirational person! I guess we all have our crosses to bare. Mine is my family relationships. I do believe in God, so I pray for his wisdom to help me through these tough times. I need to focus on all the good in my life that he provides for me. Your post about meeting the man whom you had borrowed money from really was powerful. I believe that God crossed your paths. I am happy that this has brought you peace. Take care friend.

[kin]

Dear dairy
One more time, I have received what I gave away again.
I have to organize and email some step work material to someone, and I get to read my notes again, and it increases my awareness.
I was very appreciative of this benefit. This awareness can warn and tell me I am falling sick to my addiction, whether my addiction is manifesting itself.
Lately the signs are there:
What was it like?
My mind was obsessed with a gamble, the thought is replaying itself constantly in my head, I was so preoccupied and analyzing the gamble obsessively. This urge will normally go away only after I gamble.
If my brakes is not working and my awareness is low, I am likely to be very compulsive and go ahead.
This obsessive thought has happen in the last two days
What happen?
I did not want to be sick again, if I gamble a few times in a row, I know I will not be able to stop at will. I must not give in and listen to this thought.
In the end, I choose not to gamble. I watch a movie online instead, the movie manage to distract me, I did not finish the movie, I fell asleep soon after.
What was it like now?
It is not about whether I miss a winning or losing gamble after the result was out, the focus is on recovering from a sickness where I cannot stop gambling at will.
I need to practice, practice and more practice. The more I practice, the better I am at it in not acting out my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking thoughts.
Before I am half way there in recovery, I am sure I will find a new peace and freedom mention in the promises.

[kin]

Dear diary
In year 2000, I was advised by the professionals to check my thoughts, my feelings and my action.
Today in 2016, I notice that I am more specific in my check, I was looking out for something.
Whether I was:
1 feeling restless and anxious if I am not gambling.
2. having obsessive thoughts, when my mind was like a spoilt tape recorder, the gambling thought or any other thoughts keep replaying itself in my mind and not going away.
3. having the thoughts … “I don’t believe I could not stop after picking up a few glass or a few gambles” and want to control this behavior.
4. harming others or myself with this behavior
These are clear signs that my addiction is manifesting itself in other ways in my life

Addiction is so sneaky and capable of slowly creeping up into my life to strike. When I see consequences, it is too late.
This is my new routine and way to protect my recovery recently.

[kin]

Dear diary

I am trying to remain positive and hopeful but I still need to do a reality check and be honest to myself to protect my sobriety.

So far I have not met anyone in GA, AA or NA who can guarantee that they will not gamble, drink or use drug forever.
Everyone seem to only focus on today and one day at a time.

Conditions may change, I may change, if I ever gamble, I need to make sure I do not lose my life. If I do gamble. It is very important that I do not have access to more money than I should have.

My recovery can improve, situation can improve but I still need to protect my sobriety and recovery.
Isnt it sad if one moment of insanity or madness wipe out all the effort over the years or if I allow my imperfection to wipe out my sobriety and life in one gamble.

I must have a safety net below to catch me when I fall. Imagine if I did not made any preparation or do anything, my next fall could be my last, it could kill me.

[vera]

Preventing a fall is better than having a safety net, Kin.
Safety nets offer false security . Relying on wisdom would be a better bet. Alcohol weakens your resistance. Why not quit drinking?
Thanks for posting to my thread.
I’m almost recovered . Lot of flu, chest/throat infection going around.
Gambling is not the cure! Neither is alcohol!

[kin]

I will not judge myself or degrade myself.
I will not blame myself for mistakes I made, but atone and have mercy on myself as I know God has mercy upon me.
I will not compare myself to others, for I know God made me who I am for His purposes.
I will not put myself down, for in doing so I put down God’s creation.
I know that as I am kinder to myself
I will have more capacity for kindness to others
And they will in turn will be kinder to me.
I will be easier on myself than I tended to be,
for no one knows more than I do
the pain that I have been through.
I realize that to love myself
Is to love as God loves,
For He loves the world
and that includes me.

~Marianne Williamson~

[kin]

Hi Vera

I want both. I will never know when I need to use them

Human Being are fallible.

I would love to have both prevention and a safety net below.

Since 9th April 2016, I must have been more than 110 days clean from alcohol.

[kin]

Dear diary

It was nice to meet up with 2 other people who were sincere in working their recovery in GA here.

It was comforting to hear someone say exactly how and what I feel.

“There is no need for me to gamble for more money.”

As I am writing this now, I suddenly find myself asking why do I gamble now. Guess was I wish to have more money even though what little I have is enough.
It had to do with acceptance and fear, I am not used to having very little and be happy that it is enough. I feel insecure and not safe.
In gambling, I risk losing everything I have, and end up in a situation I do not want to be in when I do not have enough.

This is a self inflicted problem. I created the problem. It was something I can control.

I was also wondering and hopeful, I have a gut feel that one day I will be ready.

I will find my balance and timing, that is when I am willing to sacrifice and give up my current job and dedicate my life to my recovery, and become a servant to God and GA, serving other recovering people.

I really don’t know, I read that I can have my plans but God direct the steps.

Better to let go and let God. It is God ‘s timing and not mine.

[C_Noel]

Thank you for sharing your story and your insights. They are inspirational. I am a compulsive gambler which I cannot control my habit. It’s bad and I punish myself by getting down on myself and repeatedly thinking how stupid can I be? I agree with you in giving it to a higher power. It sounds as if you’ve had the strength.

How is GA? I have yet to attend but I know I desperately need to find that place.

[kin]

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience.As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they will be asked the “half empty or half full” question.
Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: ”How heavy is this glass of water?”
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm.
If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed.
In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change,
but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”
She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water.
Think about them for a while and nothing happens.
Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt.
And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”
It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses.
As early as you can, put all your burdens down.
Don’t carry them forever.
Remember to put the glass down!

Remarks:
My Thoughts:
Many of us was living in and holding on to our dark past, we continue to beat ourselves up instead of focusing to get well. Remember to put the glass down.
My Feelings:
It is high time for the misery and suffering to stop. It is time to let the healing begin.
My Action:
Do not allow what you cannot do to interfere with what you can do!

[kin]

Dear diary
Today was an ideal day, after working overnight, I was able to rest and sleep when I reach home.
When I was woke up, I was still able to make time to talk to my elderly mum before I attend a gambling support group meeting at the hospital in the evening.
At the meeting, they are so welcoming and there was laughster, it was a fun experience for me.
I felt so free today, I was not distracted by any gambling thoughts, work or debts, I do not need to gamble, or work obsessively for more money and drink alcohol to self-medicate. I was able to be myself and had peace.
This is what it was like last year. Thank you God for everything.

[kin]

1. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ( Roman 7:18)

1. Realized I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. ( 8 principles based on the beatitudes by Pastor Rick Warren )

“Before every man there lies a wide and pleasant road that seems right but end in death. (Proverbs 14:12 TLB)
“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!”

I was saved by Lord Jesus.
Jesus was quite explicit about the cost of following Him. Discipleship requires a totally committed life: “Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:33).
Sacrifice is expected: “Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me’” (Matthew 16:24).

Help me God, help me be obedient to you.

Thank you God for helping me progress

[kin]

Dear diary
I do not have to feel anxious about checking the odds before any match start in case I missed a good offer.
I do not have to monitor any matches that is going on thru out the day which can become a task and a burden.
I do not have to feel fearful and tense about losing a bet.
Simply life has return to normal, it has become free and lighter, my time is not interrupted by these matches, it is no more my job and duty to study the matches anymore.
I have enough money for living expenses, it was not like this 3 years back when life was very stressful.
The money is just nice, and I do not have excess fund to do more, I cannot travel to a casino in a neighboring country.
It should last me comfortably until the next pay, I do not need to gamble for more money.
Scriptures
Let the wicked forsake his way, And the unrighteous man his thoughts; Let him return to the Lord, And He will have mercy on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon. Isaiah 55: 7(NKJV)
My thoughts
I must give up my old wicked unrighteous ways and return to the Lord.
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10: 10(NKJV)
My thoughts
Gambling not only rob me of my freedom and peace, it also rob me of my money and destroy any saving I have.

[kin]

Dear diary
Condition can change, people can change but my recovery must continue.
One of the best advice I received was build up my support network.
This is a preventive measure and safety net, because anything can happen and it is good to prepare for it.
I am human, I was not perfect, of cos I was affected when there are changes in my routine and structure lifestyle, I need time to adapt to new changes but it could have been worst. One may return to old ways or give up recovery totally.
I only need to go to new ones to replace the old ones and continue my journey.

For example

Then
Monday – n.a, Tuesday -Blessed Grace Church Social Service, Wednesday – n.a, Thursday-One Hope Center, Friday- n.a, Saturday- One Hope Center, Sunday-Sunday Service

Now
Monday-GA meeting, Tuesday – Blessed Grace Social Services, Wednesday – 12 steps workshop, Thursday-Gambling Support Group Meeting (Hospital), Friday – Blessed Grace Social Services, Saturday- Healing Service, Sunday-Sunday Service

[kin]

Thought
Fear that my money is not enough, I would like to have some more, I want to fix this problem.

Feeling
feel insecure & not safe
(the money is enough yet I do not have the confident, I do not feel safe and feel anxious. These feelings made me want to fix this problem )

What is my action?

Truth
My thought and feeling is not true. I don’t have to listen to them, I do not need to do anything.

Lies
The thought is so convincing, logical, rational and justifiable.
I can even feel it, I become anxious and impatience.
( I could have waited for the next pay if it was really not enough but I never, I want a quick fix now)
If I can feel the fear, it must be true but it is really not the case. Many times I fall into this trap. The devil ‘s lies

[kin]

Sacrifice is expected: “Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me’” (Matthew 16:24).

I am consciously seeking the Lord now. I will deny my desire to place a bet on a favorite team today (Saturday).
If I find the excuse to do it today, I may continue to do the same thing next time.
I am aware I can only serve one master. It is either God or money.

Prevention
Writing about it was a preventive measure and a reminder. This day will come and today was one of those day. I was ready and prepared when the feeling of fear and greed arrive.

The thoughts were convincing, the feeling to go ahead was there.
The fear was there but it is not real. My money is enough, I will be safe.
The (false) confident in the bet was there but it is not 100% guarantee safe, the risk are still there, the risk is real, it can wipeout everything.
I do not need to gamble for more money.

Today I do not have more and if I gamble for more money, it is due to fear. One day I will have excess and if I gamble for more money, it will be due to greed.

I am walking down a different street now. When I want to place a bet, I will come to this thread and write it down.

My medicine is in this thread.

remarks
the urge comes in waves, first notice its presence in the morning, “I didn’t want to listen to it”. In the evening, I felt another push to do it 1.5 hours before the match begin, It was more intense, I had the ” I don’t care anymore, go ahead and do it” feeling.
fact: I do care about my recovery.

[kin]

Saving money honestly can be a slow process.

Waiting for the next payday to come seem so far away.

It feels like the fire is burning but the water was too far away.

The feeling of fear was there but the fear is not real, there is no burning fire, so there was no need to panic or do anything now.

There is nothing to fix.

Be still and stay calm (don’t have to do nothing, this feeling will pass). It will be fine.

remarks
if I had gone ahead with the gamble today, it was because I was impatient and want to increase my saving faster, there was no other reason.

[kin]

Dear diary

I was wondering what could I have done to make it easier or what did I do to make it difficult for myself in recovery today.

1. I had access to money – although I have handed over most of the money to my love ones, I still have some money.
2. There was a place to gamble – the sport betting and lottery outlets are everywhere, they are like 7-11 convenient stores here.
3. I have the time to place the bet – it take less than 5 minute to place a bet at the counter.

It has to do with my attitude and thinking

If I want to do control gambling, it is going to be a problem, it is going to be very difficult to control when I have all 3 of the above and a tempting opportunity.

If I do not gamble anymore, the presence of the above 3 mentioned and a tempting opportunity is not going to made any difference to me.

What is the point of keeping a recovery journal if I am not honest about my writing. Caught myself today. I still have reservation to gamble. I still consider gambling an option. It means I have not surrender 100%.

It shouldn’t be an option
it was not something to consider
I must not have any reservation
I should not even entertain that thought

Cheers!

Caught myself

I am the villain, many times I was not the victim which I choose to believe.

Today was generally a good day, I passed the trial. Hope this day will be a foundation for many days to come.

[kin]

Dear diary

I felt the 3rd wave of urge for the day, before my work finished, I was very tired and the last few hours of work was stressful trying to stay awake. This is when I felt the strength of the urge was much stronger when it came and it was dangerously close.

It is harder dealing with an urge when we are tired or weak.

I just woke up from my sleep when I wrote this, I do not feel the weakness now or urge felt earlier. I remember that looking after the body and mind is important for recovery. Proper rest and sleep is vital to well being in recovery.

Many things can deprive me of the rest and sleep I so badly need to recover. Besides work, gambling was one of them.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am very appreciative of this moment in recovery.
I realized that I was doing the same total abstinence thing but now I was able to experience more. I can see the small details and difference recovery makes in my life, this was an awakening experience for me.
I didn’t notice this the last time, it didn’t happen last year when it was a good period in my recovery but I can see them now.
Gambling has rob me of a life that I could have. I was so focus on gambling that I do not have the time and attention for others.
I missed all the little things in life that was important and meaningful to others. Gambling has rob my love ones of the love that they deserve and a life that I could have.
If this awareness was a growth and a progress for me, it sure took a long time to arrive but it was worth the wait.
Everything has a timing and happens for a reason.
Recovery has been a journey of discovery for me, discovering a life that I never had and can have.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kin, I loved your above post! Recovery has been a journey of self discovery for me also! I have learned a lot about myself. We can’t ever get back the things that we missed out on when we were gambling but we can make now and the future better! Keep going on your journey. I wish you nothing but the best!

[kin]

Addiction exerts a long and powerful influence on the brain that manifests in three distinct ways:
1.craving for the object of addiction,
2.loss of control over its use, and
3.continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences

What happen?

I have reservation

It was during my many periods of sobriety in recovery that I tried to do it differently, every time without fail, I ended up with regrets, until I become fully convince of the AA saying that my brain was cook, it was like a cucumber that has turned into a pickle, it is useless to think I can reverse it.

Where am I now?

I am fully convince

This addiction is like a terrorist, I need to be constantly on guard against it, I need to succeed every time because they need only one time to succeed and my brain will be hijack.

My brain was hijack, that was exactly what happen to me on the 9th April 2016.

My Action

Go total abstinence to the best of my ability.

[kin]

Dear diary
This is my personal understanding and acceptance of the saying ” to the best of my ability.”
Should there be an episode of depression, the brain will crave for it. I will do my best.
I may lose a battle but I must not lose the war, I must continue fighting.
I will Stay Positive! Whatever happen, continue taking baby steps forward. It matters when I add it all up.

Others choose to differ, some expect perfection from self and others. My happiness does not rest on how they feel about me.
We still have something in common, which is the slogan of seeking progress; not perfection in recovery.

Just for today, I will mind my own business and focus only on my recovery.

[vera]

All God wants is our availability, Kin.
He will fill in the parts we are unable to complete.
Our ability is limited.
Focussing on recovery can mean being too busy with normal living to have time to even think of gambling. The longer we stay away, the weaker it’s grip on us becomes.
Thanks for your compliments on my thread.

[kin]

Dear diary

My sad reality.

Life has no future for me if I am not willing to give up completely or made adjustment to my life.

Things like gambling and alcohol, I have to stop completely.
Things like food, work, sex etc. I have to do it moderately.

Otherwise I have no future.

What form of substance do I abuse?
Alcohol, food.

What form of behavior do I abuse?
Work, Sex, Gambling.

What form of gamble do I abuse?
Slot machine, football, bacarrat, horse racing, 4-d lottery, toto lottery.

I felt very powerless today, I realized that I lost much of my life to alcohol, gambling and work.

I also see the ugly side of myself today.

When I have power, I don’t surrender.
When I am powerless, I was force to surrender.

[kin]

Dear diary

I am speaking for myself. This year is full of discovery, I learn a lot about me this year.

The period when I was growing in total abstinence happen during a time when I felt really powerless and admit defeat.

But when I felt that I was no more powerless after a period of sobriety, I start to struggle to stay total abstinence again. I became complacent, weaker and lazy in my recovery. Things gradually become harder.

When I had the money and felt in control of the situation. It was not a good sign for me. Bad things start to happen to me. When I felt in control, I am actually beginning to lose control until I loses my life.

Today I really feel very appreciative of the days when I felt powerless. I will surrender to alcohol and slot and admit defeat. Now I wish to extend it to everything.

It didn’t work for me when I took alcohol, use the slot, play baccarat, punt on soccer matches, over work and over eat.

[kin]

My Inventory check:
These are my shameful, and irresponsible acts, all the latest hard earn money that I have lost in the last 12 months:
Alcohol: 1 time – $1000, Casino: 3 times – $7000, Soccer Punting: 1 time – $6000

This all happen when I was still under the self exclusion ban, so it was not fool proof. I still need a safety net, it was suggested that I need to keep a safe distance for myself from money.
This suggestion was not so bad compare to a time when I thought only my death, jail or halfway house can stop me.

My biggest soccer gambling transaction in a month happen in Dec 2012, this was 7 years after I came into recovery. I continue to gamble on and off, memory of this incident frighten me today, I did not know I have accumulated what was for me a dangerous and huge sum, amounting to $250,000 of soccer gambling transactions.

I don’t want any loss from gambling in my life anymore.

Everything is not ok but I am ok. I am still very hopeful that I can do better “in recovery”. Life will be better for me and everyone around me without all my gambling and alcohol in the future.

I was saved by the Grace of my Higher Power.

[kin]

Dear dairy

I must be grateful for all the little new responsible thing that I was able to do in this year, because they are something I pray and dream of doing in the past.

On the other hand, I was also very shock and disappointed with myself for the over all damage that I did to myself in the last 12 months.

“A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight , it is between two wolves.”

I must starve the bad ones. I really cannot afford one more mistake.

My life is still powerless and unmanageable. I am very ashamed to say I was in recovery.

[lizbeth4]

Kin, Learning to be grateful for even the little things in life has been so important in my recovery. I was so focused on money that I couldn’t enjoy all the people and things around me. I think there will always be a war raging inside of us CG’s. It just matters how we respond to it! I can’t even guess how much money I have lost to gambling over the years. I do know that my losses havd been marginal since I came here. ODAAT, Kin.

[kin]

Dear diary

I was defeated by alcohol and gambling, thinking about them, there was no beautiful memories except pain.

Life become powerless and unmanageable when I have a healthy sum of money on me. I can be defeated, my saving can be a trigger when it grow to a certain amount. My mind will start drifting and think about what to do with them until one day I return to alcohol and gambling in a moment of madness, this is when my thought is not clear and I was not thinking straight. Life is quiet when I have little or no saving.

When it was quiet and calm. It was nice. My thought was still, my mind is not restless and disturb. There is peace, there was no distraction. I can rest properly mentally and physically in this state of mind. I was not doing anything except resting.

One day I will achieve the same quiet life and still have a growing saving.

[vera]

Money is ammunition to self destruct for a CG, Kin.
The good news is you can keep that money in a safe account. One you need to give thirty days notice to the bank to make a withdrawal .Or even seven days notice. enough to buy some time. By doing that, the money will be yours and need never get into the hands of the fatcats.
We only become powerless over gambling when we place the first bet Kin . Until that happens we still retain our power.
I believe Life is in God’s Hands. Not ours. Of course we can play our part to ensure we don’t turn what could be a simple life into a living hell.
As we do when we choose to gamble.

[kin]

Hi Vera,
I never know this can be done, this is better than what I plan to do. Your suggestion is much appreciated. Thank you.

[kin]

Dear diary
Since I started counting “continuous clean days” and not the number of clean days I had on the 17th August 2016, I must be 1 week old now.
The change was drastic for me, I had more freedom, I can feel the peace and calm almost immediately after I change.
It was very clear and obvious. Now I no longer have to spend time and effort to check what soccer matches is on, where and when, I don’t have to study the odds, their past performance and make a prediction, finally deciding how much confident I have on the match and whether I would like to go ahead to gamble on the outcome of the result and how much to gamble.
I no longer have anxiety and worry from missing the deadline and gamble, no fear that I may miss a good opportunity if I did not follow up closely, there is no more pressure and stress to made important gambling decision all the times before each match start. No more fear, tense and anxious feeling when the match is in play.
Weekend is the busiest, during the peak period of the year, there are soccer matches going on every day. Once I admit defeat to soccer punting, spending long hours monitoring, analyzing, making predictions, and having emotional roller coaster ride is no more a part of my daily routine. Now I have more time to rest properly and relax mentally.
What happen in the past?
This was one of the hardest obstacle for me staying stop for many years. In the past, I have been living with this reservation to gamble deep down inside my heart, I strongly believe that I may not be able to beat the bookies or casino all the times, but I am fully convince from my past winning experiences that I can beat them some times if I could just wait patiently for my chance and stop after I win.
Where am I now?
I look at the periodic gambling I do in the last 11 years in recovery, it has always been “a period of compulsive gambling in the end” and not about winning a single soccer match. Every period end up in losses.
This is the confident that the bookie and casino has, if I continue gambling, they are very sure I will lose in the end. This is what exactly happen to me. I can be an opportunist waiting for the chance to made a winning gamble, but each opportunity return me to compulsive gambling for a period and losing whatever I have all the times in the end.
I had an awakening recently, I am not only stopping gambling, I admit defeat. In the past for me, stop gambling means I stop not only the losing opportunities but also the winning in gambling. I admit defeat means I stop all the losing in gambling, there is no winning in gambling for me, there is only losing. Any false hope in me that I can win sometimes was one of the biggest reservation and biggest problem I had for many years which was address now. It is all over, it is finish, it was remove after 10 years in recovery.
What is my action?
No one want to give away their hard earn money to the casino or bookies. I don’t want to lose a single dollar to them.
What about taking money from the casino or bookies. Everyone likes to believe that but in reality, it is a con job, a deception, an illusion, this is what those businessman want us to believe but it is a lie and a trap for compulsive gamblers. I have stop believing in this lie, I have stop lying to myself.

[stilltime]

I enjoyed reading your update, it sounds like you are getting a new lease on life. Keep up the great work.

[kin]

Dear dairy

I was speaking from personal experience only : What was the difference like for me now compare to a good period when I go total abstinence in recovery last year.

Last year, I wanted to go abstinence for more than 180 days. My objective was to go cold turkey like it or not. In between, there are some very tough days, it really test my mental strength, many times I was weak, this was when I see and experience the benefit of having a Higher Power, the whole new focus was on God, and I was able to achieve it with new found strength unlike many past attempts when I fail miserably on my own free will and strength.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God

I did not plan for the experiences that come soon after, in doing so, I was able to experience what recovery felt like after more than 180 days of total abstinence, the benefits it bring to my health and the hope it gave me was immense and tremendous. Recovery has become beautiful and fun. It starts to become a lifestyle, and an enjoyment.

The last advise I got from a mentoring friend, “there will come a time when I felt like I was on my own, I will feel like I was traveling this journey alone and HE cannot hear me but HE is always there. I only need to pray to Him.

Looking back, it really felt like I have to carry the weight and march forward alone but God was always there. I make it by the grace of God.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Since early 2016, changes have taken place in my routine. I didn’t understand why it happen but I continue to have faith and believe that it happen for a good reason.

I didn’t wish to leave and I don’t understand why I had to leave the Christian recovery support groups that I have depended on so much in the previous 3 years, I was very comfortable there but they sure know how to make it very uncomfortable for me for a few weeks.

Suddenly one day, they are not happy that I was leading a group in another organization, it just happen on this day, the GA chairperson couldn’t come and the assistance chairperson was late, I just help to chair the GA meeting. I don’t know how they found out and what is their problem.

People attending the Christian support groups sometime wear T-shirts which carry gambling paraphernalia such as football jersey with club logo, there was no problem but it shock me when their loyal workers and later their management have problem with the T-shirt I was wearing, it belong to another volunteer welfare organization for recovering addicts.

I even have a worker there who volunteer to pray for me personally, his message to me was to follow where ever God brings me.

I have to trust God’s timing. If it is really time for me to move, I move. I decided to leave this group.
Addicts like me don’t like changes. I have to leave my comfort zone in recovery. I struggled, it took me about 4 months to find a similar substitutes, stabilise and settle down.

In the meanwhile, other problems stand out during this period, my alcohol and gambling came into the limelight. The rest is history.

Thank God, it was actually a learning opportunity, I become stronger in the process. I have pick up a new awareness and new skills that I never had in the past.

Now I am just doing it together with all my new friends counting continuous clean days again, it is a togetherness kind of thing.

My focus remain unchanged.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God

Step 4 now: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

During the challenging time this year, I had the opportunity to finally uncover my deepest lies, dishonesty and false hope. I am still work in progress but I am already seeing the benefits.

With God ‘s will taking the lead and my will plus direction in recovery growing clearer and stronger in strength. Things are improving, getting easier and smoother compare to the good period in recovery last year.

Below is a small part of the reading from the promises in AA

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

[kin]

Dear diary
I wanted to update my journal but could not find the right word for a few days now.
I wanted to talk about what happen to me for many years when I depend on my own free will, and how I did not have the strength to stay stop for too long. I tried GA and the 12 steps recovery program, it has help millions but it didn’t work for me too well until one day when I have a Higher Power, I found the strength in the Higher Power, it made a big difference in my recovery when I do Step 2 and 3.
I was troubled by some reservation that I had kept for many years, I have tried for 10 years to rid this problem but I could not clean it completely. With a Higher Power helping me now, I was making progress in Step 4,5,6 and 7.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcoming.
The wisdom and knowledge found in Step 4, 5, 6 and 7 by the grace of God help me grow stronger by removing the character defect I had slowly one at a time.
Initially, I thought there was only God given strength and our strength thru willpower and determination. After I google on line to find the right words to describe my feelings, I found to my amazement more information on this which really open up my eyes on the subject of strength, and how it has help me in my recovery.

Mental Strength and Toughness thru Wisdom and Knowledge
Cognitive strengths that entail the acquisition and use of knowledge in recovery
1. Strength of Creativity:
Thinking of new and productive ways to get things done in recovery
2. Strength of Curiousity:
Taking interest in our on going experience for our recovery sake
3. Strength of Judgement / Critical thinking skill:
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides, not jumping to conclusions; being able to change one’s mind in light of evidence, weighing all evidence fairly.
4. Strength of Love for learning:
Mastering new skills, topics, and bodies of knowledge, whether on one’s own or formally; related to the strength of curiosity but goes beyond it to describe the tendency to add systematically to what one knows
5. Strength of Perspective
Being able to provide wise counsel to others; having ways of looking at the world that make sense to onself and to other people.
Mental Strength and Toughness thru Courage
6. Bravery: Not running away from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain; speaking up for what is right even if there is opposition, acting on convictions even if unpopular
7. Perseverance: Finishing what one starts; persisting in a course of action in spite of obstacle; taking pleasure in completing tasks.
8. Honesty: Speaking the truth; taking responsibility for one’s feeling and actions
9. Zest: Approaching life with excitement and energy; not doing things half heartedly; living life as an adventure, feeling alive and activated.
Mental Strength and Toughness thru Humanity
An interpersonal strengths that nvolve tending and befriending others
10. Love:
Valuing close relationships with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated, being close to people.
11. Kindness:
Doing favors and good deeds for others, helping them. Taking care of them.
12. Social Intelligence:
Being aware of the motives and feelings of other people and oneself; knowing what to do to fit into different social situations; knowing what make other people tick.
Mental Strength and Toughness thru Justice
A civic strength that underlie healthy community life
13. Teamwork ( citizenship, social responsibility, loyalty):
Working well as a member of a group or team, being loyal to the group, doing one’s share.
14. Fairness:
Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting personal feelings bias decisions about others: giving everyone a fair chance.
15. Leadership:
Encouraging a group of which one is a member to get things done, and at the same time maintaining good relations within the group, organizing group activities and seeing that they happen.

Mental Strength and Toughness thru Temperance
A strength that protect against excess; moderation in action, thought or feeling and restraint.
16. Forgiveness:
Forgiving those who have done wrong; accepting the shortcomings of others, giving people a second chance and not being vengeful.
17. Humility:
Letting one’s accomplishments speak for themselves; not regarding oneself as more special than one is.
18. Prudence
Being careful about one’s choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.
19. Self-Regulation (Self-control)
Regulating what one feels and does; being disciplined; controlling one’s appetites and emotions.
Mental Strength and Toughness thru Transcendence
Strengths that forge connections to the larger universe and provide meaning
20. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence (Awe, wonder, elevation):
Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence and skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.
21. Gratitude:
Being aware of and thankful for the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks
22. Hope (optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation):
Expecting the best in the future and working to achieve it, believing that a good future is something that can be brought about.
23. Humour (playfulness)
Like to laugh and tease, bringing smiles to other people; seeing the light side; making (not necessarily telling) jokes.
24. Spirituality (faith, purpose):
Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe; knowing where one fits within the large scheme; having beliefs about the meaning of life that shape the conduct and provide comfort.

[kin]

Dear diary
I hit a different rock bottom in Aug 2013 and that was a turning point for me. Later I experienced the benefit of total abstinence after doing it continuously for more than 180 days in the year 2015. Quality of my life improves and my recovery hit a new comfortable level.
Just when I feel that everything was ok, I begin to struggle, I face a new problem when things was good.
It was mentioned in the bible, God has warned us about this in 1Corinthians 12-13
12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!
13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. When you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An opportunity to change my heart and thinking or beliefs /
My deep rooted problems and temptations:-

1. For the last 10 years in recovery since August 2005, I was still living with this very deep rooted problem. I believe that I cannot beat the bookie or casino everyday but I am very sure I can beat them on some days, I have done this many times. I only need to wait for the opportunity and the perfect condition. I stop gambling but my belief did not change, when the condition was perfect, this is when I return to gambling.
2. I was not trigger by my small saving at the beginning for many months, but I discovered that I have a price. When I have more than SGD 6,000 at my disposal, my mind will start to drift and explore all the possibilities that I can do with this money, it turn into a big distraction and temptation, which become a burden for me in the end. I don’t have this problem for many months when the saving was still growing, it become one later, it is so predictable, it was a vicious cycle for me to return to gambling.
3. When I have payment or bills to be make, if this payment is going to use up my last dollar. I will likely have gambling thoughts. I may want to bet everything on the favorites soccer team and pay my bill after collecting the winning, this way I will have money to pay the bill and , money left over to spend for the rest of the month. Spending my last dollar on bills can trigger me to gamble for more money.
Only two things may happen when I do this, firstly, either I lose the gamble and in the end, I will not have any money for the rest of the month and I will not have any money to pay the bill. Secondly, I may win the gamble. In the end, it could lead me to a period of compulsive gambling. I may still end up with nothing.
4. When I tried to use exercise to fill up the void left by gambling, I didn’t realize that what I did was too much for my body and mind. I suffered muscle aches and pain which stresses my mind and body. I may have stop gambling but these stress trigger me, and thoughts to self-medicate using familiar ways like gambling re appear.
Thoughts:
What did I plan to do differently this time –
1. This is exactly how those businessman want me to think, I am not going to fall into their trap, I am not going to lose a single dollar to them.
2. I am already handing over and repaying all my excess money to the family. When my saving grows to an uncomfortable sum, it will be time to hand it over to my family again or deposit in a new saving account that doesn’t allow immediate withdrawal on the same day. I am not going to fall into this trap that I set myself up.
3. I need to keep and maintain a healthy saving to made sure so that I will not end up in a situation having to use my last dollar again. This is a trap I set myself up for some desperate gambling.
4. I am switching to long walks of at least 1.5 hours each time, it is more comfortable, the muscle aches, pain and stress level is more manageable and I can sleep better. No more high intensity exercise for me, this is a trap I set myself up for escape gambling for the stress.
Feelings:
These are happy problem, these are problem I can get only after I walk out of my rock bottom days.
Actions:
Continue the baby steps forward, one day at a time. I seek progress, not perfection.
I will not allow what I cannot do to interfere with what I can do.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Where it was like in the past:
I don’t want to hand over all my money to someone to manage for me.
I don’t want to apply for self- exclusion ban.
I used my own way to stay stop, I relied on my willpower and determination.
I depend on my strength, not a Higher Power.
I am not following any treatment or recovery program

What happen
I continue to fall into the same hole

Where is it like now
I am handing over my excess fund to someone to help me stay stop
I have apply for all available self-exclusion ban to help me stay stop
I depend on a Higher Power to give me strength to stay stop
I am following a recovery program to help me stay stop

Step 4, 5, 6, 7 work on my strength and weakness
It allow me to carry on and continue what works for me and help me to remove my character defect one by one for the rest of my life.

[vera]

Just to let you know, Kin that I think of you a lot and I always read your posts.
Your weakness has turned to strength.

[kin]

Hi Vera,

Thank you for all your support.

Every slips and relapse has send me back to step one, I have already lost count of the number of times and years I did step 1,2 and 3.

Step 1,2 and 3 prepares me for Step 4,5,6,7,8 and 9. It is God’s timing, not my timing and now I am ready for the next stage.

I am beginning to understand and feel that working the 12 steps recovery program is actually walking and living a new lifestyle.

One cannot study the steps, one have to walk and live the steps to understand.

Gambling and alcohol is only the symptoms and problem on the surface, take away both now, and I had to deal with deep rooted problem inside me.

I am learning how to live life all over again.

[Pea]

Hi my friend

Kin I am so proud of you. Your progress over the years. It is incredible and you have always always supported me, here and other sites and i so appreciate it. Some of the things you say stay with me even through my day. Sometimes one sentence you have said will pop in my mind later on. It really is helpful.
I love how much you work your recovery. I can see you put your all into it. You have to, and so do i.

Pea

[kin]

Dear diary

What it was like in the past?

I was this selfish, self-centered, fearful and insecure person. I was earning more but I do not contribute and support my family for most of my life. I alway have big plans and needed the money for my self-seeking needs. I can sacrifice my family interest for mine.
After I hit rock bottom, the amount of money I owe was huge, the list of people are many and I do not earn much later. I hope that I can win money at gambling to repay these people but I lost even more money as a result.
After failing for 30 years, everything look impossible to me. I seriously thought I would never be able to do this for the rest of my life.
I watch and learnt many men who have tried to kill themselves or was put behind prison upon release could not stop gambling later. Addiction was this powerful and I was no different from them. I could not stay stop.

What happen?
After knowing God, I watched how I was suddenly able to repay, contribute and handover money regularly to my family now.
I saw how I made amend every month by repaying money to someone who cannot recognize me on the street after more than 15 years.
I shall start repaying one person at a time within my means instead of not doing anything completely or walk away. I have not seen these people for more than 15 years.
Instead of worrying and fear because there are so many of these people and the big sum of money is beyond my means. I did the next responsible and spiritual thing, repay one person at a time.
I did not allow what I cannot do to interfere with what I can do now.
God has help me to stop gambling when I do not have the strength to do it myself.

What is it like now?
I am starting to see what is in my eyes impossible things coming true.
Did I plan for everything? Did my mentor or another person force me or make sure I do this?
No I didn’t, it just happen like that.
God is great and powerful!

[kin]

Dear diary

We are not taking our inventory to compare ourselves with others, but only to identify our own values, principles and morals.
It is important that we face our behavior, accept responsibility for it, and work to change it.

Do others make me feel that they are better than me in recovery?
Do I make others feel that I am better than them in recovery?

Which is worst?
These people telling me what I should do regardless of how I feel / whether I like it or not in recovery.
Or these people ignoring me completely / treat me like an outsider in recovery?

Do I feel proud, angry or hurt by people in recovery?

Is it important to me?
Is it important to me how others look or feel about me in recovery?
Is it important to me to feel important, popular or welcome by others in recovery?

[kin]

Be contented with life and make the best with what you have.

[vera]

Nothing is impossible with God , Kin!

[maverick.]

Kin my friend you are a wonderful person and you are a gift from God to others.

Take care my friend and will always wish you well.

Maverick

[kin]

Dear diary

This road is full of unexpected potholes.

I will be reminded of my gambling when I least expect them. I need to be careful always not to fall for these temptations for the rest of my life.

Complacency will tell me everything was ok, that it is ok to let my guard down sometimes but it is not.

[maverick.]

Kin my friend if you are ever in that hole I would always stop and help you out……..or more to the point I would dig sideways out of my hole and join you in the middle and then we can both give each other a helping hand, stay strong and keep fighting you truly are a kind person with a loving heart, please never forget that, we can only ever take life “one day at a time” in truth so can anyone.

Keep sharing, It’s always great to see you around.

Maverick

[kin]

1 Corinthians 12

If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!

2 Corinthians 12:7-9

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.—NIV

[kin]

Dear Maverick and all

Thank you for all your support

“As iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17)

Having an accountability partner is biblical.
“Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively.
If one of them falls down, the other can help him up.
But if someone is alone, there is no one to help him.
Two man can resist an attack that would defeat one man alone”

[maverick.]

Kin,

“I cant change the direction of the wind but I can adjust my sails to make sure I get to my destination”

Maverick

[kin]

Dear diary
What was it like in the past?
I force myself to stop gambling but my thought and feeling about some gambling beliefs remain unchanged. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.

I change my action but my belief system remain unchanged, naturally my thought and feeling is still the same.

What happen?
I stop gambling many times but I keep falling into the same hole.

What is it like now?
I really think and feel that my old belief system is wrong now.

When someone has a change of heart, they change their opinion or the way they feel about something, a decision that what they thought earlier is not true or right now.

How long did it take me?

It took me more than 10 years to change my belief in gambling and recovery. I was too stubborn and slow, I could not change on my own free will. Only Higher Power could change me!

[maverick.]

Kin keep fighting and hope you have a good day, take care of yourself.

Maverick

[kin]

Dear Maverick

I am no more swimming upstream against the current, I am happily going downstream with the flow. I am no more fighting and feeding the addiction, I am leaving and starving the addiction.

Breaking free from the bondage and chain of addiction.

Walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary
I can set up layer and layer of barriers to help me stay stop
etc. handling my money to someone, applying for self-exclusion ban to gambling places, keeping my mind pre-occupied and myself busy.
These barriers are just aids to help me stay stop, they are preventive measures and safety net. How long can it help me to stay stop?
These aids doesn’t provide me the strength, courage, wisdom, and confident that I will need to stay stop.
Did release from imprisonment, attempted suicide, illnesses, bankruptcy help every person we know to stay stop? Sadly not the case.
My will-power, determination helps but is it enough? How long can it help me stay stop?
Going for treatments, seeing a counsellor, doctor and doing a recovery program helps etc cognitive behavioral therapy, rational emotional behavioral therapy, 12 steps recovery program, but is it enough?
Attending support group meetings and sharing in meetings help but is it enough?
Knowledge and techniques in relapse prevention helps but is it enough?
You are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions. No matter what gambling thoughts I may have? No matter what gambling urges or craving I may have? I can do nothing or something not related to gambling! Mindfulness helps but is it enough all the times?
Physical exercise helps but is it enough?
Unconditional love from family and friends help but is it enough?
Having a Higher Power helps but is it enough?
Each one of them is so vital and very important to help me stay stop and recover. They will increase my chances but without any one of them, my chances is slim.
Who can help me deal with my sin, guilt and self condemnation after all the damage and destruction that I have committed? Who can forgive me?
Help me God, in Jesus ‘s name, I pray. Amen!

Faith, Trust, Believe, Hope, Rest In God!

[Pea]

Your posts always make me think

Am i doing enough? After reading your post it reminds me i could be doing a little more. The more i add the more chance i have. Thanks for your post today. I always enjoy chatting with you too you have helped me many times over the years

Pea

[kin]

The recovery program is a simple one for a complicated person like me.
Yesterday I have just finished a 12 hours graveyard shift work at 8 am, unfortunately I don’t have the discipline to go to sleep straight away.
By afternoon I was feeling tired physically and more mentally. I had wished to go for a massage for some relief. It would have cost me 100 sgd.
This started a fight inside me. There are 2 forces fighting inside whether I should spend this 100 sgd. Suddenly the trap door open, why don’t I gamble? The gambling thoughts suddenly appear.
Oops I am in trouble, the alarm was set off. I was mindful, the gambling thought has appear. I knew what I need to do. I went to sleep straight away regardless whether I like it or not. I slept like a baby.
I must be tired, I slept for more than 12 hours, I woke up feeling refresh, I don’t need a massage anymore, and the gambling thought disappear. I am glad that somehow I did the right thing but it highlighted a living problem.
Since I am walking down a different street now. I must be honest about this, it look really harmless. Many times in the past, my gambling was started harmlessly like this, I was really a big fool and it lead to a period of compulsive gambling.
It shouldn’t have started in the first place. I can see how I complicated everything step by step.
The solution was a simple one for a complicated person like me.
I should have rested and sleep after a long day at work, this would not had happen. Instead I complicated matter and tired myself unnecessary until it triggers my gambling thought.
I need discipline and honesty.
I was living in denial in the past. I didn’t think I was wrong and had a serious problem. Now anything that trigger gambling thought in me was a serious problem if I want to continue to stay stop.

I am not working today. I will attend a gambling support group meeting in the hospital later tonight.

[kin]

You are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions. You are the soul inhabiting the human body that is having those thoughts and emotions.

Our soul is the observer, we can watch and observe the thought and feeling, we can detach ourselves.

No matter what gambling thoughts we may have? No matter what gambling urges or craving we may have? we can do nothing or something not related to gambling!

Mindfulness!

[kin]

Step 3.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Dear diary
3 years have past since I started to seek and follow God more closely. Slowly l watch how God bring changes to areas in my life where I have tried for many years and failed, these unbelievable changes convinces me why so many people all over the world follow God, study the bible, practice the 12 steps recovery program.
It only works when I give up my self-will and follow God’s will, give up my old way and follow God’s way.
God is righteous, God not only made me contribute to my family every month, it was the next event in my life that put me in awe of God’s power.
I have walk away and disappear from my many debtors for more than 15 years, they must have given up hope completely. I have aged after so many years, my appearance has change too, when I walk pass them, they cannot even recognise me. One would have thought that time heal all wounds, my debts was written off, I could have move on with my life now and fill up my purse.
It was not in my recovery plan to return them the money as the sum was huge and I was not earning enough. I am near the end of life, how many good years do I have left, I fear and thought.
On the other side, my peers in recovery have move towards offering services to the recovery community and their home church but somehow I have struggled to do the same. Maybe God have other plans.
God was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I have done wrong to my family and many others. As part of my cleansing in recovery, I watch how God turn me back to made amend to my family and later these people who cannot recognise me at all one by one. My priority for them, now has come first before any other services.
I was a hypocrite but my God is righteous. I also notice I speak out less now in any face to face recovery group meetings as I watch in awe the things I was doing more after God took over the steering wheel.
It was easier after I have experience and saw God’s miracle in my life. I have to admit that letting go and letting God, taking my hands off the steering wheel in the beginning was a scary and frightening experience, it was really very tempting to take back the steering wheel when there are hardships, I have panic when things got difficult and tough. I have more faith and trust in God now.
I could have embarked on more self-centred and self-seeking plan building up my nest for my remaining years but I am not controlling the steering wheel now. I trust His plan. I am sure my nest will be taken care when the time comes.
It was nice to know God is helping me made amend to people I have hurt in the past when I could not do it myself. There is joy handing over my earning to them.
I am walking down a different street.

[maverick.]

Kin my friend…….everything happens for a reason, from the things we do to the peoples paths we cross!

Will always wish you well and hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Take care Kin and keep sharing.

Maverick

[kin]

Dear diary
4 months has passed since I started to made amend to this elderly man. I visit him again today and had coffee with him, I watched his smile from near. I felt peace and comfort in my heart. It was all worth it.
I had second thoughts recently about going for a massage because it can cost me more than 10 days of living expenses and it comes with hanky-panky service.
Now I am beginning to feel more uncomfortable doing morally wrong, strange for someone like me who have always been doing wrong for so many years.
I did not have to struggle long, I walk pass and found a new place offering a great massage without the guilt at half the price. Just the kind of place I need.
I have a strong craving for a particular food from a popular stall lately but the traveling put me off and I didn’t go, I was walking pass the usual place and surprise they open up a new stall so near me today.
These things mean nothing to me in the past but they do now. These little things make me happy, These little things felt like a big reward. Thank you God.

[kin]

Dear dairy
I remember many times in the past, I become hopelessly helpless and desperate to stop gambling. I have lost all self-control and become compulsive. I go ahead to gamble when I want to stop, gamble more money when I want to stop, lost everything when all I wanted was stop. I cannot stop gambling at will.
Early days in recovery was all about staying abstinent in gambling, I feel very restless, stress and anxious when I was not gambling. Are these withdrawal symptoms?
I only get a relief from this struggle after I gamble. The anxiety, stress and tension will disappear after I gamble. It was a predictable and effective but wrong self medication.
I will complaint that “I want to stop gambling but I could not stop.” I tried to seek help to stop gambling for many times for many years. I didn’t even notice I am lying. (denial).
I didn’t know what I really wanted. All this while I thought I wanted to stop gambling but when I say that I want to stop gambling…
I was actually saying what I really wanted was to be able to stop gambling at will when I gamble.
I was determined to regain my control in gambling by going abstinent. I don’t believe I cannot gamble and stop at will like a normal person.
When I feel that I have succeeded in staying abstinent for a period of time, and have regained the power, strength and control that I had lost to stop gambling previously. I will return to gambling when the opportunity to win some money arrive, it become very tempting, I will feel that it is safe to do it now.
When I feel that I was in control, I will actually lose control. I will return to gambling.
When I no longer felt lost, hopeless and helpless or powerless, I become powerless.
When I felt that I was able to reasonably stop gambling at will, I will feel that it is very safe to return to gambling.
It was all about regaining “control and power.” It gave me false hope and confident.
All these while, I didn’t know I was lying to myself. I may have stop gambling previously but all I wanted was to return to gambling one day when the condition is right.
Deep inside, I wish and hope, I dream about being able to gamble successfully one day and I lost so many years of my life this way chasing an empty dream.
A compulsive gambler will never be able to gamble like a normal person.
I admit true defeat, I no longer need to have power, control and recover in this area.
I got well after I accept my powerlessness in gambling, there was no need to change this powerlessness as I have cut all ties and desires to go back to gamble.
My focus has change. I start living and experiencing a life I never had.
I am no longer numb anymore. I can feel better now. I want to enjoy every moment, the new peace, freedom and joy that this new life brings.
I am not fighting in the same street anymore, I have walk down a different street.
My problem is not gambling anymore, I am trying to live a life I miss.

[kin]

Dear diary
As I try to recap what I share with friends, I benefited when I remember to use them in my daily life.
In cognitive behavioral therapy, I understand the connection between my thoughts and feelings, and how my thoughts and feelings influence my behavior.
It teaches me that while I cannot control the people, places and things around me, I can take control of how I look and deal with them.
I can change my action, instead of doing nothing and getting stress by the heat in a warm place, I can move to an air-conditioned room or movie theatre, my feeling can change from stress to one which is relax and resting. The stress causes gambling thoughts while the relax and comfortable feeling make the gambling thoughts disappear.
I can change my thoughts, I am not attracted by a winning gamble now. Each temptation to gamble to win more money when the opportunity comes has led me to periods of compulsive gambling, I have watched how my every winning turn into losses in the end. I was convinced that I am a compulsive gambler. I do not want to lose a single dollar in the end. I do not want to gamble anymore.
I can understand what the illness of depression feels like. It can make me feel depress, hopeless, weak, helpless and anxious. I cannot control this bad feeling and this illness is not my fault. It will not go away and my will-power and determination cannot keep me still and safe for long. It can turn into an anxiety or panic attack.
I learn to pray and focus on God, I learn to rest in God. God make me feel secure and safe. God give me the hope, strength and courage to remain calm instead of self medicating with gambling or drinking. God help me to do what I cannot.
I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear P
Having a Recovery Program increases our chance.
Following God, reading God’s word in the bible- gives me the answer to all my question in recovery, working the 12 steps recovery program – gives me a direction in recovery, and attending support group meetings – allow me to process my thought and feeling when I talk about them, all these increases our chances in recovery.
Hope soon replaces fear and insecurity.
Calm and confident replaces restlessness and anxiety.
Strength and courage replaces weakness, tiredness and helplessness.
God help us do what we cannot do for ourselves when our will-power and determination can do no more.
All we need to do is keep ourselves gamble free today. Tomorrow we do the same. Every day is day number one for us. It teaches us to remain focus, humble and vigilant.

I am a recovering person and human, I seek progress, not perfection.

1 Corinthians 12

If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!

[kin]

2 Corinthians 12:9

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ~Apostle Paul

Dear diary,

I met this recovering person in Aug 2005. His name was Reuben, I am still learning from his sharing more than 11 years later since I met him.

He was clean for closed to 20 years in NA but in his every sharing in the meetings, he would shared about his weakness, shame, guilt and what it was like in the past, he never glorify himself.

Everyone can see what he Is like now, he was indeed a recovery success story, and one of the most honest and up righteous recovering person that I can meet, his behaviors was consistent since day one that we met him.

Why did he continue to shame himself and talk about his struggles ? Why did he made himself look so bad in front of everyone when he was already doing so well.
When he was interview by well know professional about how and what help him to get well, he was very sure and confident it was God who has help him turn over a new leaf. He did not walk with me like the present mentor but he definitely have sow the seed in me more than 10 years ago.
I remember thanking him personally for the help , he did not accept the credit, he told me it was God who help me.

I understand the teaching now.
The more he share about how hopeless, helpless, weak, shameful and guilty he was in the past and the more everyone saw the good person he has become, he was glorifying God.
He show everyone the power of God in his life. He gave the people seeking help hope, everyone seeking help want to be like him, we want to have what he got.

Those who got the message are save by the blessing and grace from God!

[kin]

Dear diary
I have met 2 speakers in the 12 steps recovery program in the past. Both have more than 20 years clean days in recovery.
One will boost to us how successful multi-millionaires or company CEOs will seek him for advise, he would tell us how he went for AA convention and many from oversea would like to invite him for lunch or dinner just to get near and talk to him, but he is not interested. He ever shared about acting out in other ways but his clean days in AA continues. He smokes.
The other one would always say that it is very flattering for him, he does not know why he deserve all these praise as he feel very unworthy (the glory goes to God), he is grateful for all the good things. He believe in living a total abstinent life in NA. He gave up smoking.
How many times have I heard man who think they are better than everyone, so full of self glory, self ambition, critical, judgmental, unforgiving, uncaring and unloving.
I find that the man who relied on God’s word found in the bible when he teaches was more consistent. Their sharing was based on biblical teaching, it was all about following God ‘s way and not their way, it was the same yesterday and today. It has stood the test of time. These people are taught not to seek self- glory.
I was much worst than the first person yet I don’t want to grow to be like him, I wish to be like the second person.
I am walking down a different street now. Everything is so new to me. I am taking baby steps. I don’t know what is God’s plan for me, but I am sure and believe it is good.

[kin]

Step 4
Dear diary
When I work step 4 in the 12 steps recovery program and answer the questionnaires, I found out that I have been feeding thought, feeling and desire which I never thought were terrible sins at all for many years in the past.
How I had abuse my power, money and prey on the vulnerables, I convince and instruct these people to give me their money and body. I feel very shameful, guilty and wrong after working this step.
It has increase my awareness, it allow me to see something I cannot see in the past especially the wrongdoing and unlawfulness that I was used to. It was a very humbling experience, I become less self-righteous about things and less arrogant in front of people now, I can made very bad decision and I don’t feel that I am better than others, I learn to listen to others more. I am not perfect but I am seeking and making progress.
On Monday and Friday in 2 different groups, I met 2 elderly rich men, they are more than 10 years older than me. When they talk to me about the millions that they have lost, and how they abuse their power and the trust given to them, how they use and prey on other people’s money and body. They offer me a big mirror to reflect on my life, they wanted to recover the money they had lost, their problem was the money they had lost and the debt they had, not gambling. They don’t think that all form of gambling was wrong, it was just another business or entertainment. When they relived the past talking to me about them outside the groups, they talk like there was nothing wrong, their conversation was all focus on past winning and how they abuse their power and money to prey on vulnerable people.
It reminded me of myself, I felt so lousy and shameful about my past, I do not have what these men have but the money I had was enough, it gave me power and respect from people, people listen to me, they gave me what I want. I abuse this power and money given to me. I abuse the love and trust given to me. In return, I did nothing but hurt and harm these people emotionally and spiritually.
I was really wrong. I seek God’s mercy and forgiveness.
I told these men that I did the same , I know it was wrong now and I regretted it. I could do nothing with these 2 elderly person, when they relive old memories, they are actually enjoying and feel proud about them like it was some trophy they had won. They are still hoping to be able to live the old days when all the attention and the glory will be on them. They continue their old ways secretly.
I am learning how to live life now, I start to understand that the remaining days of my life should be all about God, others and me last, it does help to straighten the selfish, self-centered and self-seeking nature inside me.
Surrendering and giving up my self-will and follow God’s will, Handing over my life and will completely to the care of God mentioned in Step 3.
My old way is unlawfulness. I am taking baby steps to replace my old ways with new ways.
I am walking down a different street now. My Journal bear witness to the changes I made, I took baby steps every day and over the years, something inside my heart and mind is beginning to change, my harden heart is slowly melting away.
It will be a dream for me now… to be able to do recovery and work for the next 10 years, If I could live to that age, I will be very happy, it mean I have more time and money to make amend to the people I have hurt. I don’t know how much time I have left. I will have to trust God, let go and let God.

[kin]

What was it like in the past?
1. I stop gambling because of fear of a relapse. ( focus was on fear and gambling)
2. I stop gambling and want to forget my past. I was afraid of my dark past and facing them. I was afraid of it coming back to haunt me and affecting my daily life.
3. I don’t want to remember my past. It was too painful. After so many years, I was able to block out this part of my memory and forget.
4. Relapse felt like the end of the world. There is a lot of self-beating and guilt. I realize that I only stop gambling but nothing else about me have really change.
What happen?
I continue to fall sometime sooner sometime later. Until I found God and God provided me all the answer in my 12 steps recovery program so far, I am working step 4,5,6,7,8,9 now.
What is it like now?
1. I stop gambling by following God and the 12 steps recovery program. (focus was more on positive ways of living my life)
2. I stop gambling and become mentally stronger, it was alright to remember my past now, it was a painful reminder of who I once was and what terrible wrongdoing I am capable of doing. I felt remorseful, I want to repent, I seek a change of heart and mind. I work harder to get close to God.
3. Working step 4 forces me to go back in times and help me remember exactly what I have done in the past, it peel and strip the outer layer of my skin off and reveal what was inside, it helps me remember, it felt like it has just happen yesterday when it happen more than 20 years ago. Recalling terrible wrongdoing was a lousy feeling. The only difference and comfort I get was from the changes I see in my life now and the protection and hope I receive and get from God, I have started to do good.
4. What happen if the reality of a relapse happen? Well I never really think about it, my job was to focus on my recovery today, appreciate living my life one day at a time, I just need to stay total abstinent today, tomorrow I do the same but if it really happen, I will just pick myself up and try again, I will continue taking baby steps forward, frankly speaking, all the relapse happen because I was not doing it correctly and it help me to realize my mistakes, it help me change my direction until one day I got it right. It does help me progress. I am human, I am fallible.

I seek progress, not perfection in recovery.

[maverick.]

Everyday may not be good but there is something good in everyday!

Hope you are keeping well Kin, look after yourself and take care.

Maverick

[kin]

Dear diary
2 Peter 2:22
According to the true proverb, the dog has gone back to its own vomit again and the pig which had been washed gone back to rolling in the dirty earth.
Under all the appearances of reformation, still the evil nature remained, as that of the dog or the swine, and that nature finally prevailed. There was no thorough internal change, any more than there is in the swine when it is washed, or in the dog.
I was like that for many years, I stop gambling for many times, but there was no change of my heart and my mind. I did not stay stop and return to gamble just like the dog and the pig.
If nothing else about me change, nothing change, I remain the same gambler in the heart, I will return to gambling. As predictable as the dogs and pigs.

This proverb was a lesson, a warning and teaching.

I am walking down a different street.

God can help me change my heart and mind when I could not do it on my own.

[kin]

Romans 12:2
Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good, acceptable, pleasing and perfect.

Dear diary
What are the challenges that I faces from the people I meet recently.
In recovery:
1. I meet people who is trying to advance their counselling career in addiction, their intention was self-centered and self-seeking, it was no different from the compulsive gambler they once were in the past. It was all about them and not about me, it doesn’t help me in my recovery.
2. I meet well to do recovering people who chooses to do leisure and control gambling. They are a group of privilege people who have wealth and can afford the habit. Worst still, many cannot afford the habit but did not think there was anything wrong. We do not share a common goal of going total abstinent in recovery.
3. I meet some recovering people I first met a few years ago in different group meetings, these are not the one who are stable and has the most clean time, I will never understand their intention, I don’t know whether they are trying to protect their group or their recovery, they will pick on people doing things differently from them. It could be about the other recovery support groups or places that I went or the recovery program that I use, it was never about my recovery.
4. It is not uncommon to be rejected by some people who feel that we are different but these people are only the minority.
5. There will always be fake people who is seeking popularity, importance and attention from others or self glory, they will never be able to do what they tell others to do, they only give false hope and empty promises if not lies or conman stories.
It can become a tricky situation for me, do I be a door mat and allow them to step all over me, or do I be a people pleaser to make them like me for the wrong reason, both can be harmful to my recovery. Do I have a choice, can I walk away from them, do I focus and centered on people and place for my recovery or do I focus on God and the recovery program for my recovery? Who is more caring, loving and more powerful? Who was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, who is more consistent, dependable, almighty and reliable? Which is going to be my top priority to help me stay stop?
I learn to protect my recovery, I learn to walk away from people and place who can affect my recovery. I learn to focus harder on God and the 12 steps recovery program.
Building up a strong network of support has been vital to progress in recovery, when one door closes, there was no fear as there are many other doors open. Most importantly, all these places have a common goal, the same God and the same recovery program that I could follow, their message was all the same. My recovery did not stop, it continues..

[kin]

Dear diary

I am happy to rest on the Lord, I no longer fear being rejected by other people.

I do not have to be a doormat or a people pleaser anymore.

It is not uncommon to be rejected by people who think you are different from them. There is no need for me to feel left out, disappointed, sad or depress because I can go near many other people who are more loving caring humble and God loving out there.

I must learn not to seek attention, popularity, recognition, and self-importance. Seek God ‘s glory, not self glory.

In the tradition of GA, I am gamble free for 61 continuous days and today is always day number one for me.

Every day is my day number one. I just need to stop gambling today. Tomorrow I do the same. This is a ODAAT program.

[vera]

You are perfectly right Kin. For a CG , yesterday and tomorrow don’t c ount. TODAY is all that matters. Every day is a new day. A “first”.
The same applies to non CGS too, of course.
As the days pass we grow stronger by God’s grace.

[kin]

Dear diary
What it was like in the past?
ARROGANT
I love to be popular and like to be the center of attention, I love people to trust, respect and like me. I used to care a lot about how others look at me. I have a bad habit to share my limited knowledge and life experiences with others when not ask. It may have made others feel small, uncomfortable, not respected and less importance. I was not sensitive to others
IRRESPONSIBLE
I remember very clearly how I blame my love ones and run away from my responsibilities, I have abuse the trust, love and respect that was given to me, I have used it to hurt the closest people to me.
I only give out of surplus, I am not as generous, loving, caring and unconditional as I thought, I was afraid of my love ones asking me for help when I have little and none, I will get stress, the only familiar way I know under this situation was to run away from my family and love ones by walking away, I have left deep emotional scar and damage on them.
I was not willing to sacrifice my everything for my family and love ones, I am not willing to take pain, hardships and gave away all my money to my family and love ones.
What happen?
Ever since I stop gambling and drinking lately, I was able to see everything very clearly.
It was really shocking, sad and disappointing to see the truth, I did not think I was wrong in the past, I did everything to preserve myself and survive, I have sacrifice many in the process.
Working step 4 peel off the outer layer of skin and reveal everything underneath about me, I learn things about myself that I didn’t know. The truth shocks me how bad and how low I was in the past.
3 years ago when I work Step 1, I was changing my action, I deny my selfish, self-centered, self- seeking ways.
What was it like now?
I cannot change something that was not there. Today I can slowly see my heart more clearly , it hurts to see that I was not the nice person that I thought. It was incredible how God and step 4 help a person change inside out.
Now I can pray to God to help me to change my heart and mind. Change of heart and mind can influence change in my behavior and action leading to salvation.
Yes I feel shame, guilt and sinful tonight while writing this.
Yes I am thankful and grateful for this growth and chance to change.
I used to have eyes but cannot see what I was doing. I can never see myself as the hurricane that walk into others people life and left a path of destruction behind.
It is better late than never. I have a chance to change.
Now I understand why Jordan, my present mentor do not want any recognition for his good work and charitable deeds, he gave but chooses to remain anonymous. It does wonder to made someone like me who crave for power, money, recognition and self-importance, to be humble and less arrogant.
I have met past scholar and wealthy businessman in recovery but these people just do not have the spirituality that my first and second mentor have.
I do not know what is God’s plan for me but something is changing inside me. I have faith and believe God, I trust God that it is something good, I just have to let go and let God. It is all in God’s timing, not mine.

I need to be patient, still and wait

[kin]

Dear diary

1. The Pastor was celebrating his birthday with us in the morning today, all blessings to the Pastor will be used to bless our group. I did not know how much to give, what is my means and how much is my means? I pray and I got my answer.

2. I was a hypocrite but my God is righteous, God is helping me do what I cannot do for myself. It is happening more and more frequently now, some call this the Holy Spirit, some call this my conscience thought, some call it the guru, I am trusting this voice more and more, so far it has bring me goodness and protect me. I don’t doubt the message anymore.
Our maid’s rest day was today, Mum and sis was home resting, I hear the message to honor and love both of them, I bought them dinner from a popular and expensive restaurant. My 86 years old mum was very happy and enjoying herself, my sis must be comforted. She have bailed me out countless times in the past, I am very grateful to her.
I have since become a different person, I am a giver now and not a borrower by the grace of God.

The best thing that happen to me was the sleep after dinner. I got the rest I needed. Living one day at a time, it was a good day today.

[kin]

Dear diary
How deep is my love for my recovery?
How committed is my love for my recovery?
Do I have unconditional love for my recovery?
Am I willing to sacrifice myself for my recovery?
How deep is my love?
I love my God and my recovery more than every recovering person, every recovering places and money. My recovery is not centered on people place or thing, it is centered on God.
I am always ready to walk away to join another similar group of recovering people, another similar meeting in another recovering places to continue my recovery when things become harmful.
How committed is my love?
When my recovery become hard and difficult, do I walk away from God and my recovery.
Oct 2013 I remember the day I am no more running away from everything, I decided to face the money lenders. I negotiated with a string of them. It was a stressful period. I do not have the money and their job is to strike fear in my heart. I needed courage to face them, there were many nasty exchanges between us. Thank God all these are a thing of the past, I have since fully repaid every one of them now.
Nov 2013 I receive a legal letter of demand for money I did not borrow, it was very upsetting, I found out the letter was a fake, it was all a scam, I had to report to the police. Everything is fine now.
Dec 2013 My mum was 83 years old and was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage colon cancer on the 11th Dec and needed surgery on the 27th Dec 2013. On 19th Dec, I was informed by my employer that they are not renewing my employment contract and I will be unemployed soon. I was gamble free for more than 3 months but life was actually getting worst and worst, I never expect to lose my job and face a life and death situation at home. Today mum is 86 years old, recovering well, she is mobile and eating well.
January 2014 I was unemployed, I was broke by now, I could not find full time work. I had to work as a kitchen cleaner at 12 midnight in Burger King restaurant. The money I earn is not enough to pay for transport from home to restaurant, I had to walk to work. It was not the safest work to do, I had to drain boiling oil from the fryer into a drum, I had to scrub the wall and floor. I was paid 20 SGD each day. I have since found a better full time job now.
I remember asking myself, my mentor and God is this what “carrying my own burden, denying myself and following God” really feel like? It was so painful, life is turning from bad to worst, there was no light at the end of the tunnel in sight. I was hit hard, I felt like I was slipping away, just when I thought this will be the last bad new, another new one appear, it really pushes my limit for pain and tolerance. Mentally I am growing weaker amidst all the suffering. I do not know how to rejoice in suffering for God and for goodness and grow in strength.
I appreciate this lesson very much now because I saw how my life become full when I have none. I become more assured and confident in recovery now, my beliefs and faith grew stronger. What l first thought was tragic and disaster turn out miraculously good by the grace of God, I can never understand why and how, the closest to describe this feeling was the AA paradoxes “we die to live” “we surrender to win” “we give away to keep” ” we suffer to get well ”
I have learn to rejoice in suffering in the name of God and my recovery now.
1 Peter 4:12-14
“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing; so that also at the revelation of His glory, you may rejoice with exultation. If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.
Philippians 3:10
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;

When you suffer for being a Christian, you further identify with Jesus in His sufferings. There is no shame in suffering for the Lord. Instead, it is to be counted as a blessing.

I am very thankful for the experience and growth from that difficult period today. Thank you God for the protection, grace and blessings.

Do I have unconditional love?

I am a recovering addict so when I see another suffering recovering addict, I saw myself, I am responsible for my effort to love them like God and other recovering person love me.
I must not have any unrealistic expectations. I did not make it on my first try, I should be fair to them too. I have learn from previous bad experiences to love unconditionally, I must not expect any one of them to return me a favor later or treat me better, otherwise I am just setting myself up for more disappointments and misery. I do not control them. They should be given the rights to reject me.
I only wish to offer them hope, not condemnation, judgement or criticism. I leave that to God. I have to learn to stand on the shore and continue to throw them the life saver. I do not take the credit if they do well and I also do not blame them or myself if they do not.
I realize that they actually help me grow, to give is to receive. I will become the biggest benefactor when they give me the chance to love unconditionally. I need to thank them.

I need hope, they need hope more than everything, we need all the motivation and encouragement we can get.

Am I willing to sacrifice for love?

I am ready to give up my current job, a higher pay package, walk away from harmful people I love, harmful places I love and harmful things I love for the sake of my recovery.

Apostle Peter warned his readers about the coming of a more intense period of persecution. He again stressed mental readiness.

hmm…mental readiness

[kin]

Dear diary

Some may feel that I should offer service to others regardless of how it can affect me and my recovery. I am easily stress when I was not ready. They only want to prove themselves right and me wrong.

Some have a plan and wanted to use me to solve their problem. It was pre meditated, it was done so carefully and tactfully without me noticing at first, this is a form of manipulation and cunningness. It was never about helping me in my recovery but a very selfish, self-centered interest and self-seeking ways to serve their needs.

I felt very relief after realizing that I will feel uncomfortable if it is not in line with what I am doing daily, following God and practicing the 12 steps recovery program. I will feel uneasy.

I should not take others inventory, I should take my own personal inventory and focus on my recovery.

I should not allow their problems to distract me and take my eyes away from God and my recovery, losing my focus and safety.

My 86 years old mum is in pain today due to leg cramp. It was a strong reminder that my priority should be on my family and not on others.

[kin]

Dear diary
I have recent experiences, I do not know how best to put them in words I can understand.
I knew I was doing something right now and it was protecting me.
I am heading in one direction now, but when someone or something is taking my eyes away from my objective and threaten to change my direction, it made me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy.
For example, when they are taking other people inventory, they are not focusing on their recovery or changing their life. I felt threaten and afraid they will derail my recovery, I have to walk away or reject them nicely.
Another example, when they do not want do the right thing to seek help, and threaten to do self- harm, my priority change, I felt like a hostage, they make me felt like it was my responsibility and I cannot walk away fearing something bad will happen to them.
I must learn to pray for them and let God handle it. I must continue to trust and let God control the steering wheel, not me. I must not panic and take back the control.
I start to lose my focus and gets very distracted. My center will shift to them and away from my God and my recovery program.

[kin]

Dear diary
The joy and reward in my recovery come from the growing confident and trust in working the program each day, and watching all the goodness that appear in my life walking down a different street.
I notice the goodness all have one thing in common, it was all about making a difference in somebody life. It was all about giving up my ways, letting go of the steering wheel and allowing the Higher Power to do its work. I have become a passenger but I can still see what the Higher Power do.
My Higher Power comforted a cab driver, I did not flag the first cab, took the next one and chatted with the cab driver, he shared about a passenger who did not pay his fare and file a complaint against him to the cab company, the cab driver was feeling very victimized and down by this incident. When I reach my destination, I paid him 10 dollars for a 5 dollar fare and ask him to keep the change, I left his cab seeing a big smile on his face, he say that the change I gave him was too much, I told him it was alright, I just hope the experience will be a relief for the painful and negative ones.
My Higher Power comforted a recovering person. Many including myself can read but did not use the recovering material made available to us.
On Monday I met a 59 years old man who wanted to recover, but all material is written in English, he cannot read but it did not stop him. I saw him struggling to learn English word for word because he wanted to learn from the recovery program. I actually went shopping for second hand book yesterday, I want to get an English to Chinese dictionary for this man. I have never done this before in 50 years of my life.
I was encourage to do it because I have met other man who cannot read English many years ago but is today chairing a meeting in English. I have high respect for these people.
I was only concern about one thing in my recovery. I tell myself not to seek self-glory and not to talk about it but I could not do it. I am not to boast, it can hurt my recovery, but at the same time, I felt excited to share the love and joy in recovery felt in the AA or NA fellowship. If a person wants to continue to gamble, to take alcohol or drugs, it is none of my business, I will walk away but if a person sincerely want to stop, I see that it is my business.

I give to receive – AA recovery paradoxes

[kin]

Dear diary
My recovery has been about taking baby steps and it has been slow for me. And some things just don’t happen overnight; you keep trying and practicing until you get it right. And when you get it, you just cannot imagine the sweet satisfactions, it was nice.
When it happen the first time I didn’t take serious notice but when my behavior was consistent second time in a separate incident, I was glad with the growth. It has got to do with being grateful with what I have, accepting the people and situation that I cannot change. Changing myself and not them by the grace of God.
In the first incident that happen on Thursday last week, my 86 years old mum told me that she wished to fix the existing TV, which was switch on most of the day for her. There seem to be some fault lately. I explain to her that repair is costly and new TV is comparably much cheaper, it was better to get a new one but then my budget was tight to get one now, it will hold back my repayment plan by a month. Mum was impatient in her message so I was stress by her, I admit I was angry for a moment but I was able to control it and didn’t show. I was able to made a decision quickly and left home immediately to get her a new 50” inch TV. I was able to change my action and it change my thought and feeling. I was able to protect my inner peace and joy.
The next day, my siblings visit and check the existing TV, they told me I shouldn’t buy the new TV, that I should have discuss with them first, because the old TV was not spoilt, it was the cable box that has problem. I didn’t argue with my siblings instead I left home immediately to cancel the purchase order for the new TV at the shopping mall, I kept my inner peace and peace at home.
In the second incident, my company ask me in for a meeting on Monday this week, they announce that they have set up a new office in a neighboring country with the same exact number of staff to support our local office with immediate effect, I am no longer needed for the graveyard shift and will start work in the early morning at 7.30am on weekdays. In doing so, I will lose about 250 sgd allowance every month and I also need to spend approximately 400 sgd for a new set of working attires now as I cannot fit into my old ones. I went shopping for new shirts and shoes today. The new changes has definitely affected my income every month.
The two incidents have something in common, they have affected me but I didn’t allow it to affect my happiness, I was not dwelling on my losses. Instead I have acceptance of the unexpected change and was able to move on with life. Where was the heavy resentments on people and anger that I used to have?
The second incident highlighted the change in my reaction which was consistent with the first one, my temper have mellow. When I was in early recovery, I may get upset, or panic, I would have gamble and drank heavily.
I am walking down a different street now. I did not drink and did not gamble, things has improved. This is definitely the kind of reward in recovery that I have been longing.

[vera]

Well done, Kin. How we react to situations is up to us. Life is not straight forward but if we train ourselves to stay calm, things will work out for the better.
Drinking and gambling often go hand in hand. We don’t need either, to be happy.

[kin]

Dear diary
I notice that I will be label by people in different support groups, just because I have set up a network of support for myself, I go to many other support groups to do my recovery and I was doing things a little different from them.
I thought they should focus on the fact that I am a part of their group and not on the fact that I go to other places to continue my recovery. I thought the focus should be on my recovery.
Every place I visit, there are successful recovering stories. I choose to focus on this group of recovering people doing well, they not only listen, they follow and practice what they learn. I want to learn from them how they do it.
I don’t want to waste my time on the ones not following the program. Just because they do not do well in the hospital or other recovering places, they will say people there don’t do well. Just because they do not do well in the other support groups, they will label people there as well.
I have learn that some of these people who are very vocal about other groups have secrets they don’t want others to know, one example was borrowing of money without returning in other groups or they have say or do something wrong there. They are very quick to attack, and are very sensitive.
My journey in recovery has been a tedious and long learning process, everywhere I go, there are people like this, there isn’t one place without someone like these in the places I visit such as GA,AA,NA, Hospital support groups, One Hope Center, Blessed Grace Social Services, We Care Center.
I have learn to accept the presence of these people everywhere, what they say and how they feel about me is not important to me at all because my recovery is top priority, not what they say and feel. My God is the center of my recovery program and I follow the 12 steps recovery program. Anyway after a while, all these people always accept me as one of them.
I have no problem accepting these people and ignore the label they gave me, I am thankful to be accepted in the places that these people also go to. I am grateful to God for the awareness, wisdom and mindfulness, I cannot change these people but I can change myself there, I happily work my recovery together with these people. The labeling stop after they know I am doing well.
I was not like this in the beginning, I will feel victimized and sink into self-pity, I may turn into a doormat or people pleaser to win these people. I would be very angry with these people and stop going to these places to do recovery. I may give up and return to alcohol and gambling.
I do not get too bother by these people now. I do not take inventory of what these people are doing, instead I focus on what I am doing and my recovery. I continue to go to these places for support and work my recovery. I have found my balance and happiness.
If I do get bother by these negative people, I talk to the positive ones or I pray and talk to God. It help keep me safe while I persists in my recovery.
It did not happen overnight but the resentments, anger, impatient, self-pity, low self-esteem, fear and insecurity has slowly disappear over time, and I didn’t even notice it.

[kin]

Dear diary
Recently I experience 4 incidents.
1.I was approached by someone in one support group trying to find out more about someone in another support who have borrow money from the former without returning.
I have connected with a very big group in the recovering community on Tuesday, each meeting can be more than 100 people, over the space of less than 6 weeks, I experience many there.

2. I was seated right behind a new recovering person, he stood up and share with everyone in the group that he was penniless but when he sat down, he pull out a bunch of keys in his pocket and put it back, I saw money.
3. I saw this man one morning walking out of a sleazy massage parlor which can be very costly. I would have never expected to meet the same person in the same support group I attend on the same week, he shared that his finance situation was not good and his wife is giving birth to a second baby soon.
4. I wanted to reach out to the least fortunate person in one gambling support group, I wanted to learn how and practice how to love unconditionally. I was in for a surprise and not prepared for what is to happen.
I approach this 56 years old man who was unemployed and receiving financial assistance, he was discharge from a hospital not long ago due to an operation, he was also recovering from problem gambling, I wanted to bring him out for a decent meal at the restaurant.
When I invited him out for a meal, he was teaching me what I should do all the way, he is so full of self-righteousness and self-importance, I thought to myself, why is all gamblers like this including me; so proud and so full of self, he also give me the feeling that the good treatment he is receiving was an entitlement and something he deserve, maybe he thought he was special or it was just a habit, he just wanted to look good and was trying to impress me, but when he try to control me in our conversation, he didn’t know he made me feel less important and very unappreciated. I admit my feeling, pride and ego was hurt.
My intention was good but the experience wipeout any spirituality I had if I have any, it expose the ugly side of me, I discover that I have expectation of his behaviors, if that is true, my love for him was not unconditional, I was using him to satisfy some good feeling I desire. Do I really think that I am better than him? Am I really trying to do something to feel important? Am I trying to please God for self-centered interest and a motive?
I am very sure this man has expose the ugly truth in me, I was not humble at all, I try to be humble, caring and loving with him but when he was difficult, proud, ignorant, arrogant and not humble, I failed.
I was not discourage by this incident, I will continue to befriend, get near to him, learn to listen to him, and serve him. I cannot change him but I am sure he will change me over time.
I was a little discourage and confuse, I had to talk to someone mature and the advice given to me was the same; to focus on my God and recovery, I cannot change others but I can change myself. Not to take my eyes away from God and my recovery.
I don’t understand why I witness so many things in so little time, I question myself whether I am going to or want to do anything about it, it will mean taking back the control and the steering wheel from God and correct / fix things in my old familiar self-righteous way but this will be against my new belief and the teaching in my recovery.
I prayed and ask God why do you allow these experiences to happen to me and what do you want me to do? What do you want me to learn from this? Help me God! Tell me what to do God.
In the end, I decided to let go and let God. I will continue to trust God and handover my will and my life over to the care of God. I will give up my self-will, I will deny myself and not take back the control. I will turn it over and let God handle it.

I am living life and experiencing the problems and challenges without the alcohol and gambling. I am walking down a different street.

[p]

I love that you are walking down a different street now.. im just behind you… just look over your shoulder

P

[kin]

Dear diary
When you took step 3, you decided to trust the Lord. You turned your will and your life over to His care.
In step 4, you show your willingness to trust God.
I am glad what has happen in the past has prepared me for future.
In one incident when I was reaching out to a 56 years old man, I wanted to give unconditionally and love him but ended up shock when I felt anger, I didn’t want to hurt the person, I did not want him to know but I knew something was wrong.
I have to turn to God and step 4 for help.
Psalm 139:23-24 (KJV)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Step 4: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
I was very confused when I was feeling angry while serving a 56 years old man unconditionally. I soon realized that I was doing it very wrong.
If I had expected something back in return, how can that be unconditional? For example;
I expect the person I help to talk to me nicely and respectfully, gratefully and appreciative.
I did not expect the person I help to be full of self-righteousness and self-importance
I thought that a person who have hit rock bottom would be eating humble pie by now but never expected the person to remain proud, ignorant and arrogant.
I never expect them to continue to lie, manipulative and cunning.
My early experience helping difficult people has made me feel anger, hurt, victimized and feeling like a fool. I was not ready.
I am smiling now looking back at my immaturity and writing about them.
I understand now when I help and love a person unconditionally, alI I wanted was just to give the person hope and put a smile on their face, I just wish to give and serve them with no expectation.
I do not try to control the other person. I should allow the person to make his or her choices and decision that include good and bad ones, I shall not manipulate or judge them. I should not have unrealistic expectation of them. Many times they are not ready and have not given up their self-will yet and find it hard to follow others beside themselves.
If I had continue to use my old familiar ways, I am still practicing my self- will, my ways and not God’s will and God’s way.
All kind of things can happen during serving, there are many people and situations that I could not control. I cannot change them but I can change myself, especially how I look and react to them. I understand that I have a choice, I can choose to leave it to God and let God handle them, just let go and let God.
I have grown since I found God’s word or truth and follow the 12 steps recovery program. God have made all things possible but the recovery program was my compass.
I am better prepared now because under unconditional giving and love, no one say these people cannot be ungrateful and unappreciative, no one say these people cannot turn their back on me, no one say these people cannot talk back or treat me badly. If I am not ready, I better don’t serve.
The last service I did was reaching out to a young man, his unpredictable behaviour tested me. I was distracted for a moment when he choose to walk away. I have to dig in for strength, I remember Charles telling me to glance but do not stare, I remember the psychologist teaching me to watch but do not grab the thoughts. I have the awareness that the event has taken my eyes away from God, I ask myself what would my sponsor who is walking with me in recovery, would have done, I feel that he will continue to worship and keep his eyes on God, he would allow me to made my own decision to walk away or stay, it was my choice, he did not at any one time try to control or manipulate me. I have a role model to follow. I did exactly that.
I did not allow anyone, any place or anything to take my eyes away from my God and 12 steps recovery program.
Practicing spiritual acts is really out of this world feeling for me. It was sweet, satisfying and fulfilling. Yes there will be unconditional giving and sacrifices, it really take up my free time and stretch my dollars, at times it can be emotional overwhelming for me.
Unconditional giving and love was a beautiful thing.
When I heard a Pastor who was a recovering drug addict preach to us “not to come down from the cross” when the seed is germination in darkness. When I hear this message, I can no longer control myself , I shed tears uncontrollably because the burden I had inside me while serving others sometime felt really heavy.
I am walking down a different street. I am a giver and not a borrower.

[kin]

Dear diary
Recovery is getting sweeter, I would see stuff that I could not describe in the past now.
The 12 steps recovery program is like a discipleship program.
The disciple is a follower, one who accepts and assists in spreading the recovery message to another suffering addict.
A Christian disciple is a person who accepts and assists in the spreading of the good news of Jesus Christ.
Christian discipleship is the process by which disciples grow in the Lord Jesus Christ and are equipped by the Holy Spirit, who resides in our hearts, to overcome the pressures and trials of this present life and become more and more Christ like.
This process requires believers to respond to the Holy Spirit’s prompting to examine their thoughts, words and actions and compare them with the Word of God.
This requires that we be in the Word daily—studying it, praying over it, and obeying it.
In addition, we should always be ready to give testimony of the reason for the hope that is within us (1 Peter 3:15) and to disciple others to walk in His way.
We must be obedience and doers of the Word.
Discipleship requires a totally committed life: “Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:33). Sacrifice is expected: “Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me’” (Matthew 16:24).
I had to deny my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways practicing total abstinence in recovery.
There was so much in common that they feel like one when following both God’s word and the 12 steps recovery program.

[kin]

Dear diary
We had a meeting on Monday. It was announce a new office was set up in a neighboring country and we were replaced. The graveyard shift was moved to join the day team.
My working hours changed from 8pm to 8 am to 7.30am to 4.30pm, I struggle adapting to the this change, and I suffer from insomnia.
My income drop by more than 200 dollars which is my allowance for working in the night every month.
Many things changes at work suddenly, I feel that I do not have enough or any support or additional training I require to do the job, I fear that I do not know what to do and how to do and I worried that I cannot do my work anymore. Something that I was efficient for more than 2 years.
My salary for the month of October was late and not paid since 3rd Oct 2016.
We are a small team of 6 person. One have resigned and one is going on long leave now.
What am I going to do? This is not the most honest company I know, they are very reluctance to payout according to the law and are trying to bend the rules. This is the only fact and truth I am reminding myself to leave this company fearlessly when it is jeopardizing my recovery. I must have the courage to walk away from a job and pay that I was comfortable for more than 2 years.
Anxiety and insecurity about uncertainty at work and fear of loss of my income if I resigned is high now. I can see how it is affecting me, I am slowing down and taking a step back ever ready to change my direction to protect my recovery. I am waiting to see what is happening at work and waiting for things to clear up before making any major decision, I am going to be patience and not act impulsively by throwing in my resignation, I will do nothing and wait.
I choose to wait and see. I went to see a government doctor for my anxiety and depress feeling and tell them what is happening to me. I am not pretending everything is fine. I allow the company to know.
The doctor gave me 3 days rest with no medication, this is a compliment to my recovery, the doctor can see I am not suffering from depression and I am not going to act out in my addiction, I am just feeling anxious and depress. The company must have been concern I approach any government institution and immediately return me my 5 days off in lieu which is overdue.
I am now on leave all the way until 20th November 2016, I have so many days to rest now.
What is my price?
I must be prepared to lose this job. I must have acceptance and be prepared for a less lucrative job. I cannot change people and situation but I can change myself. I must not take my eyes away from God and the 12 steps recovery program.
My recovery is more important than my job and income. I am not drinking or gambling as a result of my job and money. I am walking down a different street.

[vera]

I hear you, Kin.
In 2013 , I had to make a choice between my career and my health.
Following consultation with my Employers, my Union, and the Occupational Health Department, I was allowed to take early retirement on Ill Health Grounds. with a Lump Sum and Pension.
It was the best thing for my recovery.
I have no regrets.
Stress in the workplace prevents us from delivering 100% output. This can cause us to “act out”.
I believe there is a reason for everything.
Don’t walk away from your job, Kin. Your working conditions are being changed, not by you, but by the Company you work for. Study your Employment Contract and get Union or Legal advice. You might have a case for Constructive Dismissal. Google it. Be prudent. Act as if everything depends on you. Pray as if everything depends on God.
“Render to Cesar the things that are Cesar’s and to God the things that are God’s”.
Stay calm!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kin, Just hang tight and see what happens with your job. I know that this is causing you a lot of stress. Don’t make any decisions right now. Just take care of yourself.

[kin]

Dear Vera and Lizbeth

Thank you for walking with me during this tricky period. Your presence and support helps.
I am glad to know that regardless of what is happening, I do not need to gamble and drink.

I have been practicing the following steps in my life daily and it is making a difference:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
This step requires self-examination that can be uncomfortable, but honesty is essential in this process.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
This step involves a commitment to monitor yourself for any behaviors that may be detrimental to yourself or others and to admit when you are wrong.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to another suffering addict, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

[maverick.]

Kin you are a very good person with a kind and loving heart, ride the wave and see out the storm my friend, take care and look after yourself, life is like a rollercoaster with all the ups and downs we just have to ride it!

Always good to read your post and see you around, take care and as always I wish you well.

Maverick

[kin]

Dear diary
I wouldn’t know if a storm is coming. There are many things beyond my control. Where, who and what kind of situation will I meet in the future? I don’t know.
This week I met 3 difficult people from 3 different support groups, I was one of many who felt the same after meeting them.
I feel that all 3 want to feel important and were deprived of attention. They feel that they are better than the others.
I am grateful to God and step 4 for the awareness and mindfulness, I can see what I cannot see in the past now.
Maybe I was just like them now, but I was very sure I was like them at some point of my recovery. They are helping me to take my inventory, they are like a mirror.
One was insecure and like to pick on people weaker and less fortunate, this person pick on my imperfection in the group, he like to have fun at the expense of others by shaming them.
One tried to control my behaviors, the person was like a control freak who like to tell others how to behave and act, this person is full of self-righteousness.
One question me whether I was gambling when I buy him and 8 others supper, he has no second thought to make me look bad in front of the others. I feel that he is not well in the mind and know not what he is doing, he sound like a bitter grape and was unhappy to see others doing things differently and happy in recovery.
I am facing challenges from people on top of the fear and uncertainty at work.
Every person or event would have trigger me, I would be disturb, angry and find justification in drinking and gambling.
Where did the strength to remain calm, courage to face the fear, humility and confident to face the people who label, shame, criticize, judge and belittle me come from.
Obviously God is protecting me. I didn’t know it but the picture is getting clearer and clearer now.
I receive the sign, and I obey. I went to join a flock of sheep in one recovery place found inside a church. Now I know I was send there to take shelter from the storm that is coming to keep me safe.
I didn’t try to control the people and situation above. It was unbelievable when I let go of control, I did not lose control and remain accountable. I did not drink and gamble. I am walking down a different street.
It takes strength and courage to love the same 3 person when I meet them, wisdom and clear mind to walk away.
Recovery was not about punishment and unhappiness, recovery is all about love and joy for me. Thank you God for everything.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am learning to do things totally different now. I am practicing my 12 steps recovery program where I learn how to give and love unconditionally.
I do not control these people, I don’t made the decision for them. I only show them the way, they have choices and made the final decision, I am learning to serve with no expectation, not even out of a genuine desire for the betterment of the other person. I suffered no loss in rejection, the person suffer a loss of blessing foregone.
I was exposed to some people who is mentally not well in some groups, it is really hard to please them. I am just grateful and thankful to have the awareness that these people know not what they are doing.
For the last 2 months, I have stretched myself to give generously within my means. Everything happens for a reason and I had the opportunity, it has been a period of intense learning for me.
In one Christian organization group, there is someone who was very unhappy I wore a T-shirt belonging to another volunteer welfare organization many month ago and last night when I bought the same person and 8 others supper, he tells everyone the money I had was from gambling wins. I don’t feel any resentment at all. It was alright.
In one anonymous group meeting, there is someone who is making many people uncomfortable, I met many newcomers with feeling of resentment after contact with this person. I met this person 2 times, I didn’t take serious notice the first time, but when the same thing happen in the second time, I notice that this person was a serious control freak, the person lack spirituality despite many years attending the anonymous group meeting, the person cannot stop boosting how many years she was in the program. She cannot stop taking other people inventory and cannot stop instructing others what to do and what to say. I don’t like the feeling, like many, I am no saint, she just have this ability to trigger my hot button, and I need to take a step back and let it pass.
These 2 person are not well, what I see is not normal but what they did is normal and right in their own eyes. They know not what they are doing.
It was a growing experience. I did not lose my happiness, peace and did not allow them to plant the seed of resentment inside me. Thank God for the protection.
I need to focus on taking my inventory and change myself. I need to persevere when things get difficult. I must not come down from the cross.
There is one good news tonight, a friend who is suffering from depression and have suicidal thought but is very stubborn and reluctance to seek help, is finally seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital. I am glad for this person because I cannot play God or doctor when I chat with the person, I can only encourage the person to seek God and see a doctor for help, the person do have a choice and need to made the decision themselves.
I do not self-medicate with alcohol or gambling. I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary

When I travel to different places, groups and people to deliver the message.

I risk being label, shame, criticize, ridicule, judge, unpopular and hated.

After I have handed over my will and my life over to the care of God, God has help me to do what I cannot do for myself in recovery.

I learn how to “give my all” and not “give out of surplus.” when serving.
I find a newfound strength to remain calm, courage to face the fear, humility and confident to face all these difficult people when serving. I am happy to rest on the Lord, I no longer fear being rejected by other people. I do not have to be a doormat or a people pleaser anymore.

I will not be able to do the job if I do not know how to love and give unconditionally without any expectation of the outcome, good or bad.

I am responsible for the effort when I serve, but I have learn to leave the result to God. It is all God’s timing, not mine.

I do not judge the people and I do not control the people. I must accept their choices in life.

[kin]

Dear diary

My recovery is centered on God and the 12 steps recovery program. It is not centered on the people and the group.

I trust God and the 12 steps recovery program, it was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and has stood the test of time whereas the people and the group I met can change.

I have learnt to build up a strong support network for rainy days, I attend so many different groups just in case one or two is not available to me, there are still many others I can go for support, and it has serve me well because the people and any group can come and go.

[kin]

Dear diary
Dated 15 November 2016
Today I learnt the importance of making myself accountable to someone to protect my recovery.
There were days that I have to earn my next clean day to keep my continuous gamble free days, yesterday was one of them.
The opportunity came and the temptation was there, I have very strong confident in a soccer match and really wanted to go ahead to place the bet, I would have won a month salary.
Why didn’t I do it?
I am enjoying my sobriety and I really treasure the peace, calm and joy I am having everyday now. I risk losing all these if I had place the bet. I have to make my choice carefully.
I did not forget the period or times when I could not hear my conscience that is guiding and keeping me safe, all I could hear was my addiction talking. I prayed but I cannot feel or hear God, there was no connection at all. If I choose to gamble, the same thing is going to happen again.
This is a time to test me how serious and how much do I love my recovery, am I willing to sacrifice something I love to protect my recovery etc. job, money, people and place.
The money amounting to one month of my salary winnings will be nice to have but it is threatening to take my eyes away from my God and the 12 steps recovery program.
I check myself, no one will know if I did not tell anyone I gamble. I could go ahead to gamble and win the one month salary. When my focus on God and the 12 steps recovery program is replace by work, money, health, relationship with people, my recovery will be threaten and in danger.
The answer was very clear, I am accountable to my God, my 12 steps recovery program, my support groups, my recovering friends. I did not have to struggle much to make a decision. I want to be accountable to God, the group and people I know.
I have a responsibility and I want to be honest, I want to obey and follow God and my recovery program, It was wrong to allow myself to gamble.
I may have a price, but I do not know, I will know only when the test come, but last night I was able to sacrifice one month salary winning by not gambling.
I did this to protect the peace, calm and joy I had now.
I did not drink or gamble. I am walking down a different street.
I would not have this problem if I had not study the gambling odds and predicted the match. I was correct. Bolivia beats Paraquay.

[kin]

Dear diary

These are just some of the values I experience to stay gamble free

honesty, responsibility, commitment, acceptance, sacrifice, accountability, perseverance.

willingness to give my all and not out of surplus

I was thinking to myself

” Staying stop” did not happen by chance.

I was not able to stay stop in the past because
I don’t know how and I did not “do enough”
I may know how but I was not willing to “give my all” and did not ” do enough”
I have found my balance and become a happier person now.
I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary
This is a reminder to encourage myself to work hard in the 12 steps recovery program and not do the following:
2 stepping
They do step 1 and jump to step 12, diving head first into the program sponsoring others, chairing and even starting new meetings, in the fellowship of GA. That sounds like working the program, but they have not work the Twelve Steps.
1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.
12. Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers.
There are the 13th Step: People Who Prey on Newcomers
Then there are the “Three Step Shuffle”: They do the first three steps, but lack the willingness, and thoroughness to face a Fourth Step Inventory.
I was a 3 step shuffle for many years until now. Better late than never. My time is now.
I am walking down a different street.

[i-did-it]

HI Kin,

It was lovely chatting with you in group . I love your ideas and your way of looking at things is very fresh .
I don’t do the steps but I can see that they are working for you .
Keep posting

[kin]

Dear diary
My priority in life has change.
The things I stand to lose in life has become the top priority.
The stake has become too high and too much for me to lose.
The sum of money big or small I win or lose is no longer the most important thing
I can no longer gamble or drink, I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

In step 3
We made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God.
In step 4
We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
We may still try to keep parts of our heart hidden from God, the support groups and the people. We have devoted these parts to gratifying our addiction, to doing things that are contrary to the will of God. This sets us up for living a double life. A double life which can fill us with guilt, shame and instability. If we choose to live a double life, we may begin to doubt whether God hears us at all.
When we surrender our self-will and follow God’s will, we have to handover the control to God, when we draw close to God, He will draw close to us. When we open up the hidden portions of our heart and trust God, we begin to made choices in favor of recovery, we will soon grow in confident that God desires to help us.
I did not forget the times in recovery not so long ago when I cried out to God but I could not hear or feel God at all, I can only hear my addiction talking. Those were the times when I wanted to “stay stop in gambling” and “gambling at will” all at the same time. I was living a double life.
No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the ONE and love the other, or he will be devoted to the ONE and despise the other. ~Luke 16:13
I cannot serve both God and money.
The stake is too high for me now, I did not want to lose the peace, calm, joy and freedom everyday that my family and me have now for any amount of money big or small.
They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of moral corruption and wickedness—for “people are slaves to whatever has mastered them.” ~ 2 Peter 2:19
The money and alcohol promise me freedom but I become a slave in the end.
I will not gamble and drink, I am walking down a different street.

[maverick.]

Kin my friend so very happy to see you have found peace, you are a good soul and God knows it, look after yourself and stay strong in recovery, we could never find peace or happiness while gambling but we can have it all in recovery, really glad you are doing well Kin and wish you all the very best.

Maverick

[kin]

Dear diary

Today was no different from gamble free day number one in recovery. Every gamble free day is important to me but today was the most important. Today is all that matters.

I admitted I was defeated by gambling, I become powerless when I gamble. Gambling has make my life unmanageable.

In the tradition of GA, I was gamble free for 97 continuous days after 11 years in recovery. It was not perfect but I am ok. I am happy, grateful and contented.

I can never gamble or drink like a normal person.

Gambling and drinking is a choice. Condition outside and inside me can change but gambling and drinking is no more an option for me, I am walking down a different street now.

[kin]

Dear diary
One can read and study the word and the program, but I realized that one will never know what it is like until they have tried and lived it.
Trust, faith and spirituality was something I cannot see.
How do you teach someone to trust and have faith in something they cannot see with the eye when all they see is fruitless attempts, no results, hardship and suffering in life. How do you convince me and others not to give up following God and the 12 steps recovery program when everything still look hopeless and dark.
It was not my timing, I only learn at close to aged 50, I should be ashamed but I was really very glad and grateful to be able to do it properly after so many years. It was the spirituality one receives following the program that kept me safe calm peaceful and joyful. Before we are half way thru the program, we can already see the benefits as mentioned in the promises. I soon found out for myself that the promises was the truth.
I saw my many hopeless and dark situations over the years turn to light, it has given me hope and confident. My trust, and faith in God and the 12 steps recovery program grow, it is no more blind faith that I am following. I have seen the truth.
Step 4 have help me and allow me to watch and know myself better. Attending many meetings also allow me to see how some people around me who practice the same program for many years but have not receive the wisdom and spirituality that so many have received. They become my mirror and teacher.
These people does not treat other people as equal, they do not know how to accept and respect the differences in other people, they try to change other people or situation to tailor fit them, they have to control those people around them to achieve it, when they fail, they will try to remove these people by doing character assassination. They are full of imperfection but expected other people to be perfect for them. There is no “live and let live”.
These people become my mirror, they help me to grow, I can only change myself, I can walk away from these people, places and things, I don’t have to say things or do things to tear them up or hurt them.
Guess the peace and joy I receive come from following the words of God and the 12 steps recovery program. I was never perfect in my life, in my recovery and learning but following and obeying God’s word and the 12 steps recovery program to the best of my ability have change the way I live my life and look at things.
My growth does not come from my wisdom, it was given to me by God and the 12 steps recovery program.
I am taking baby steps, and learning at my own pace and progressing by the grace of God.

[kin]

Dear dairy
I saw and heard the same thing in both places.
There are many ignorant ones who told me the same thing, asking me to stop taking inventory, that I was talking about the past, I should be talking about the future.
Who am I kidding? I know that after attending Sunday service, cell group meeting and GA meetings, if we do nothing, nothing change.

[kin]

Dear diary
Can I trust the people in my new cell group with my life?
Gambler like myself have a big problem with trust, I still have this problem today. It was not easy for me to trust another person, I have been disappointed by many, I will never trust them with my life easily. I was not surprise when another recovering gambler I met don’ t believe me too.
When I shared with this person where he can seek help, he didn’t believe me and wanted to go to another place, I didn’t stop him. After a few weeks, he showed up in the place I recommended him. The Higher Power was telling me not to give up carrying the message to suffering people even when I was not appreciated. Seeing the results and the Higher Power at work give me much confident, satisfaction and joy. It was always never about me. It was all about God and others.
In the meanwhile, I am not allowing anyone, any place or anything to stop me from seeking God and my recovery, I was disappointed by two incidents in one cell group, I find that the people in the group cannot be trusted with my life and recovery. It was important my recovery was not affected.
I immediately make plan to replace it with another cell group the next day to keep my support network alive and strong.
At the same time, I have inform a lady that I am leaving this group so that she will not approach me anymore to tell me how badly she was treated by a person from this group. This man have borrow money from her. I was caught in between because I attended the 2 groups that these people attended separately. All I wish was just to focus on my recovery and I need to protect my recovery all the times.
There is light in my life and I am very grateful to God for the messengers He has send me.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for protecting and saving me , and thank you for sending my guardian angels to walk this journey with me. They have touch me and my life have really change. Please bless these angels with good health. In Jesus ‘s name I pray. Amen.

[vera]

Kin, can I let you in on a little secret?
( I wish I was 50 again!!)
One thing we cannot control is our time. It’s all in God’s Hands. I know when I was working, relatives of dying patients would ask “how long has he/she got left”. I always replied “nobody will take one breath more or one breath less than their Creator decides”.
It’s what we do with that time, Kin is all that matters.
I agree with you, that getting caught up in group members’ situations is not healthy.
We have to rise above those matters.
That’s where our Higher Power comes in.
He never changes!

[kin]

Hi Vera

Thank you for the constant reminder. I agree with you that I should treasure the opportunity and the remaining time I have.

Every gambling free day is very important , each day made a difference to my overall peace, freedom, happiness and joy because they all add up.

[kin]

• To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

• To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

• To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

• To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally differently.

• To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them.

• To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.

• To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves.”

• To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them…and likes them anyway.

• To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

Mankind

• “That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.
• That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.
• That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.
• That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived…”

[kin]

Dear diary
Today was no different from any other days. I may not be drinking or gambling but that doesn’t change the truth.
I was defeated by alcohol and gambling. I was powerless when I take alcohol and gamble, alcohol and gambling has make my life unmanageable.
The day I accepted that I can no longer take alcohol or gamble like a normal person, I stop trying to prove to myself that I can take alcohol or gamble like a normal person and be able to stop at will.
Many times my day is not perfect, and I was not perfect. It is ok not to be ok because no one is perfect. This is the truth, I do not need to panic or try to change this.
I continue to be powerless over people, place and things. I cannot control or change them but I can change myself. I take shorter time to change myself now, there is progress not perfection. Everything is still not ok but I am ok!
I no longer take alcohol or gamble for relief or self-medication. It is very very…. important for me to rest on my Higher Power (God and the 12 steps recovery program) at all times. When I forget to do that and start to depend on myself, I will start to get into all sort of troubles.
When I feel that I have the power and is in control, I begin to lose control and become powerless and I struggle to surrender and give up my self will.
When I was following my will, I was still trying to be in control of everything, I am not ready and have not yet let go and follow the will of a Higher Power.
Life was only good for me after I became powerless and surrender to a Higher Power.
I am really grateful to realize and feel powerlessness now, otherwise I will not surrender and turn to a Higher Power, I will not change and my life will not be manageable and return to normal.
I have finally found my Higher Power and rediscover joy in living life, there is love, freedom, peace, calm and contentment.

[kin]

Dear diary
There are days when I struggle to put thoughts and feelings into writing. Something was wrong, and I cannot write as usual for the past week, I know that I had to work harder to continue my recovery.
My recovery was ok but everything was not ok, everything seems to be falling apart but I was not taking alcohol or gambling.
It was not my fault. There were just sudden changes at work, I was no longer allowed to do the same work I was doing in the last 2 years. I cannot adapt to the new changes.
Suddenly they have decided to change my working hours, I cannot continue to work at night, instead I must work in the morning. I was also asked to do more and different new things at work.
The management direction have change, the staff have change, I am no longer having the same support I need now and it is robbing my peace and joy.
Experience have taught me to rest on the recovery program and God.
It means that either I change myself to adapt to the new changes or I leave this place and people I cannot change who are threatening my recovery.
I have done this many times before in the past and it has served me well in recovery. As a result, my faith and confident in the recovery program and God has grown, but every time I do it again, it never fail to make me feel very uneasy, fearful and insecure about the future.
I am resigning from this job immediately and continue my recovery in another job. Everything is going to change, job scope and salary. The only thing that remain unchanged was my recovery, it continues….
I have learnt to sacrifice what I love, inorder to protect my recovery and my love ones.
The peace and joy, safety and security at home is more important than my work and money.
I did not forget the days when I was like a runaway hurricane that destroy everything in my path and rob the happiness and peace in their lives.
Today I was singing in the church when the lyric of the song strike me and it brought tears to my eye… “Your grace is enough, I will believe”
Amen!

[vera]

Be prudent, Kin.
Maybe you need to ask for more support and re- training if your employer is changing your tasks and your work load. Why would you walk away from your job?
A new job may not be the answer. Are you avoiding conflict?
Of, course I understand that you need to protect your recovery but will changing jobs solve your problem?
Every job has stresses.
Be prudent.

[kin]

Hi Vera
Thank you for your kind reminder.
I was using my past experiences and my intellect to help me with this decision. It is just total insanity for me if I expect the same people at work to do the same thing with a different result.
Of course if I continue to let the same people take advantage of me and use me like a door mat, I will continue to be paid the same amount on the same job but is it worth it. Holding on to this job and salary is making me lose the peace and joy that recovery has brought me.
Learning to trust and let go to a higher power and God of my own understanding involves tremendous strong faith and courage otherwise it feels like jumping off a cliff.
It was a total reverse, now it is putting recovery first in every situation.
In the past, job and money comes first, and I take alcohol and gamble when everything at work fall apart.
I need to remind myself not to listen to my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking desires because when I do that, I always get into troubles.
I had to continue to trust and handover my will and my life over to the care of God of my own understanding.
Everything I can do, I will do it myself, anything I cannot do, he will take care of it.
Recovery is a new territory, march on…..

[kin]

Dear diary
I was very happy to hear from some serious AA 12 steps followers today. It brought back many memories…..
In the early days, I didn’t want to go to AA because people there don’t drink and I didn’t want to go to GA because people there don’t gamble.
Later I still gamble and drink on and off but I continue to attend AA and GA meetings until I was able to stay stop one day, it just happen.
And after all the unlawful and sinful stuff I did in this life, if life was fair, I would have been dead today.
I am really grateful today and I look forward to seeking spiritual progress one day at a time, not perfection.

[kin]

Dear diary
It was easy to stay gamble free when everything is going fine but when everything is falling apart, that was when it really take strength to stay gamble free.
The voice of the temptation will become louder and when the focus is not there, we could be staring in the wrong direction.

[vera]

Very true, Kin!

[kin]

In early November, my company suddenly announce that they have set up office in a neighboring country and hired the same number of people to cover us.
In late December, our company landlord suddenly appear and brought some people to view our office.
It doesn’t affect me anymore as I am moving away from this company and its people.
I was sure if I don’t know where I am going next, I will be in a new place.
I don’t need to self medicate, I am resting in God. Everything is not ok but I am ok.
I don’t need to drink or gamble when things is falling apart because I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary
Hunger for more money
When I have a shortfall and need more money or when I start to fear and want more money, gambling thought will suddenly appear and cross my mind.
I cannot afford to be over-confident, proud, ignorant and careless, I need to work hard to be mindful and remain vigilant everyday. When I become complacent, I would get myself into trouble because I continue to be vulnerable to mood altering substances and behaviors.

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. “

[kin]

Dear diary
1st Jan 2017 was a familiar situation .
Everything is not ok but I am ok, I should be grateful and contented.
Start of the year, and a decision has to be made.
Am I going to stay with God and the 12 steps program, and be judge by the world.
Or
Am I going to stay with the world and be judge by God.
Now is my time to walk on water.
I need to focus closely on God and the 12 steps recovery program.
Do not be afraid, everything will be ok in the end.
Do not be weak, there is no need to return to my previous companies to work, it will be insane to expect the same people there to do the same thing and get a different result.

[kin]

Dear dairy,
I am watching myself very closely daily now. I had to work harder if I do not want to lose the peace, calm, and freedom that has return. I have been feeling insecure lately due to changes that I cannot control.
My tolerant level has weakened after my life has improves. I am finding it difficult to adapt to more hardship, stress and pain.
German psychoanalyst Eric Fromm said,
“The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”
Every likable person has admitted to periods of sheer insecurity. They looked at themselves from the perspective of someone else
— perhaps a person with no appreciation of their talents, personality traits, abilities
—and judged themselves unfairly according to other’s view.
So here are some reminders to myself when I am feeling insecure.
1. Insecurity — Vulnerability of spirit — is essentially humility —opening my heart, living the truth
My Character defects – Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, shame, self-loathing and perfectionism.
2. No one can see my insecurity. They are too worried about their own insecurity to notice my insecurity.
3. Work Step 4 of the 12 steps recovery program
Step 4: We make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
The fourth steps give us the mean to begin finding out who we are, the information we’ll need to begin to like ourselves and receive comfort, happiness, serenity.
My therapist asked me to make a list of ten of my best qualities and she also told me to ask my friends.
The fourth step is a method for learning about ourselves.
It is as much about finding our character assets as it is about identifying the exact nature of our wrongs. The inventory process is also an avenue to freedom.
4. Avoid people you feel insecure around.
It sounds like common sense, but it does require some work to rearrange my schedule.
The truth is that this job, this support group does not make me happy. I have a better chance of getting happy in another job and another group.
I have to protect me and my recovery when the harmful people do not care about my well-being. That should be my first priority. Why torture and inconvenient myself unecessary?
5. Surround yourself with supportive people.
There are only a few people in my life who understand me.
When I’m insecure, I will talk to them on the phone.
Those trusted few are the voices of truth and we need as many voices of truth as we can get.
“We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us,”
writes Beth Moore (“So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend To Us.”)
6. I have a choice. Say yes to adventures.
7. When I am insecure, when I think that I am not good enough and do not have enough, I will not feel good, I will do stupid stuff and chase external validation and external object to prove that I am good enough.

When I was not perfect in my work, I will work harder and longer in my work than everyone, I will prove to others that I was good and knew more in some area to cover for my handicap in other areas. I made myself stick out like a nail and then I will get hammered (haha) by others.

The most stupidest thing I did was to abuse substances and behaviors to fix my bad feeling to feel good. These are all self-destructive behaviors.

[kin]

Dear dairy
An atheist is one who denies the existence of God.
An agnostic is anyone who doesn’t claim to know that any gods exist or not, and refrains from commitment to any religious doctrine.
I have watch two movies named God ‘s not dead and God’s not dead2.
God’s not dead has help me to understand the agnostic 12 steps recovery program better, and how the people who believe in the philosophy and the study of the nature, causes, or principles of reality, knowledge, or values, based on logical reasoning do their recovery.
God’s not dead2 has help me understand faith better especially when I was called upon to walk on water, how faith can make one stronger in recovery.
How I could choose to stay with God and be judge by the world and not choose to stay with the world and be judge by God later.
It has help me deal better with my insecure feeling lately and make the first big recovery decision for the year 2017. Thank you God.

[kin]

Dear diary
Putting everything down in writing has given me some relief, it has help me to see very clearly.
I am going to have lesser but I will still have to do the same, it will really test my trust and faith on my God and the 12 steps recovery program.
On some day I may have to keep still, on others, I maybe taking one baby steps forward at a time, I am not really backsliding but it feel like one because it felt heavy.
I realize my load has increase, I am carrying more weight now. It was no wonder I felt uncomfortable, I am not perfect but it is ok. Is it a sign that I was growing in recovery, I was a more responsible, better but still an imperfect person.
1.Mum is 87 years old and still a recovering cancer patient. Looking after her is a top priority.
2.Ever since the company I was working in was taken over by a new employer, everything has change, the new employer is controlling every single cent going out of the company. Every month they are late in payroll and we do not know when is our next payday. The anxiety and insecurity among the staff has cause them to distrust and let out their frustration on one another. I have chosen to protect my recovery and walk away, I have resign from this company and my last day at work is only 8 working days away, I plan to continue my recovery in a new place, just like it always had been, recovery have brought me places and it was just like an adventure.
3. I am still committed and would like to continue to contribute to the family every month.
4. A lady friend had tried to kill herself recently and fail, I have brought this person to seek help and do recovery in the same place I did mine. I am watching out for the person but I have to be extra careful of my word and behavior, I have to treat the person just like another recovering person, I have the responsibility to look after my recovery.
5. I am halfway there returning the money to someone I promise, who I never met for more than 15 years now.
If nothing change at work, I would have been very comfortable financially with the above. Everything has change now.
In life, many things can be uncertain and unpredictable, things can change suddenly. Now I have to work even harder to stay in recovery.
When the load is heavier, the voice of the temptation to escape is louder.
What keeps me afloat walking on water comes from the FAITH and FOCUS in God and the 12 steps recovery program.
I understand…
I only need to take my eyes away from God and the 12 steps recovery program and focus on all the problems. I will start sinking.
This is not the worst crisis I had face living life on life’s term over the years.
It could have been more serious and complicated if I had a bad relapse by taking alcohol or gambling to escape. It could have kill any hope that I had left.
I do not know where I will be working next now
I do not know how much is my pay going be like next.
I do not know whether I will lose the comfort zone that I had for the last 2 years financially.
I do not know what to expect with a personal friend joining my circle of recovering friends, it has taken away my comfort, because I know how to protect myself from the unstable and potentially harmful ones, but I was worried that this friend do not know how to do that and get affected.
What I do know
My family will be supportive.
I will get a new job and everything will be fine in the end.
The management and staff in the recovery center will do their best to help my friend.
I can choose not to take alcohol and gamble.
I can choose not to make matter worst than it was.

[kin]

Dear diary
I was tired and if I had relied on myself to stay gamble free, I could have fail yesterday.
I needed a Higher Power to keep me safe, it came in the form of a person, Charles was there for me at the right place, at the right time with the right words.
He was able to help me look at the same situation from a different angle, at a very critical moment when I was blinded.
My mind was already fixated and focusing on the next gamble and the conveniences that a winning gamble can provide me with the additional money.
I could not see the consequences and inconveniences that a losing gamble can give me. I was already making plan to punt on the 3.45am match at 2am.
I chatted with Charles and he simply ask me to choose “to do what is best for me.”
Immediately I got the message and can see very clearly all the inconveniences that a losing gamble can bring to me. It can affect me up to 2 months, it is simply not worth it anymore to go ahead with the gamble.
What I am facing now is just a temporary inconvenient that will definitely pass.
It was uneasy but I can live without the additional money from a winning gamble.
Higher Power and God of our own understanding works in a very mysterious way. It has kept me gamble free today.

Thank you Charles!

[kin]

Dear diary
I gamble yesterday. I place ONE bet.
I only manage to stay gamble free for 148 continuous days this time.
I check last night and my salary was still not bank in to my bank account, it was late for many days, something is wrong with this company, I was disappointed and felt discourage.
The temptation was there in the Monaco match showing on TV. I did not give up a winning gamble this time, I took it, I won SGD900. It is going to provide me all the additional money I need for this festive season and my period of unemployment.
I am facing a different problem now. I can feel my thought and feeling changing today. Everything changes so fast.
Yesterday I place my first and only gamble to get the additional money I need from a winning gamble.
Tonight, if I place the next gamble, it was for the excitement with the additional money I had. I notice that I have created a new problem and situation for myself.
Now I have to go back to the recovery basic and do first thing first–
1. I need to deny my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways.
2. I need to deny my desires. I need to sacrifice and give up the excitement I seek from a gamble or a gambling holiday, my greed, and false hope of a better life thru gambling.
3. I need to give up my self-will.
4. I must be obedient and discipline.
5. I need to remind myself all the times —
5a. I cannot stop gambling after a few gambles like a normal person. If I do it, I can never stop at will.
5b. What happen if I lose the money, I will lose all the peace, joy and freedom I have now and anxieties, fear, insecurity and stress will return.
5c. It is not worth it to let the pain and suffering sneak in. It is back to staying gamble free one day at a time.
I should not let the things I cannot do in recovery to affect the things I can do –
I will have work harder at the 12 steps recovery program and seek a closer relationship with God.
I had many good days in recovery but on my bad days, I will become a hypocrite. I was not perfect.
Please forgive me God.
Faith have brought me far but where was my obedient in this situation? I was sorry.

I reported to the day surgery center at 8.40am. My surgery went well today at 9.45am. Thank God.
I saw the opportunity and was tempted while watching the Monaco match at 5am.

[vera]

Sorry to hear you were caught unawares and gambled, Kin.
Moral of the story? Avoid watching matches! The temptation is too great. You may have “won” a bit of money but you lost your peace of mind. NO money can buy that!
Glad to hear your surgery went well.
Well done on your honesty.

[Jonny123987]

Hey Kin,

Sorry to hear about your relapse. I agree with Vera. Don;t watch matches. I’m glad you won but don’t let that make you think you have control or can do it again. You don;t and will eventually lose it all again. Stop now my friend.

Jon

[kin]

Dear diary
On 11 Jan 2017, I was very relaxed when I lay down on the surgical table. I was put on local anesthesia and was awake during the whole procedure. I was all cover up on the table.
I realized today that if I had lost the gamble a few hours earlier, I would be in a regret, remorseful and self-beating mode, that would be terrible, I will likely be thinking about how I am going to repay all the bills on the surgical table. I will not have the peace of mind while I get cut open by the surgeon.
Why didn’t I think of that!!!!!
My emotion rule me on the day, I become impulsive, and made a very risky and careless decision to go ahead and gamble.

[Jonny123987]

What? You gambled today? What surgery did you get done?

I’m sorry to hear that! I’m on day 16 and trying to stay strong.

[kin]

Dear diary
More drama at work today, the building management took over the office suddenly and the company was force to move.
My salary for last month was still not paid.

[kin]

Dear diary
I met up and spoke with my mentor today, below are some suggestion to me.

1. I need to save up some money for rainy days; this is to prevent and avoid situation whereby I was pressure to gamble for more money
2. Once the above is achieve, there is no reason for me to hold on to my only credit card which make me prone to borrowing. I can use a debit card instead
3. I will not watch a soccer match like a normal person because I seek out opportunity in them. Obviously watching a live match may trigger me
4. It was best for me to find employment quickly to keep myself busy and occupied.

[kin]

Dear diary

I have forgotten that I am walking down a different street.

It shows that I can forget when the condition change.

[kin]

Dear dairy
2 days after I gamble, I can still felt the urge to place the next gamble.
It was only on the fourth day that the reality really sank in, and I was finally able to feel what is really going on.
It felt exactly like hitting a rock bottom. It hurt very badly, I didn’t wish to gamble. I felt so helpless, shock, disappointed and tears.
I don’t like the feeling of the gamble at all now.
The winning gamble feeling and in control feeling was a lie and not real, the true feeling or truth was really one that is powerless, shocking and helpless in this self-harm behavior.
I isolated myself in my room today and slept it off. When I woke up, I tell myself there are things I need to do for the rest of my 12 months in year 2017.
I need to strengthen the crack on me.
It is so hard to swallow, accept and live life on life ‘s term. When my hot button was press, I crack!
I pray that this is just another turning point. A lesson to change my direction.
It hurts, it really does.
I am not going to walk around the hole, I am going to walk down a different street.
Living life on life’s term is painful for me now.

[kin]

Dear diary
I don’t trust myself now, I was not following my thought.
I am following my feeling; my feeling and action is not in line with my thought.
I am acting out my self-will, I was not able to practice self-restraint.
Seeing where I am right now after all the serious effort put into recovery is painful, I feel helpless and sad after what has taken place.
Changes that is taking place is affecting me very badly.
This time of the year could have been a period of celebration for me in recovery, I would have cleared some personal loan that I was servicing and I can continue contributing to my home.
Instead what I get now and felt was disappointment and cheated, I was force to wait for the company to pay me my money. Nothing can be done without the money and everything come to a stand-still.
I could not function normally and multi task, I am back to the survival mode of staying patient and doing first thing first.
It was so bad I woke up today and the first thing I thought was “first thing first.”

[kin]

“Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.” Jack Ma

Dear dairy
There is light at the end of the tunnel. Never give up.

[kin]

Dear diary
In the last 3 years, I have relapsed 3 times in 3 separate events for the below reasons.
1. Feeling painful, stressful and pressurize with living life on life’s term (2014)
2. Having an uncomfortable amount of saving. (2016)
3. Disappointment, anger, discourage and stressed with living life on life’s term. (2017)

[vera]

Being aware of the reasons for your relapse is the key to prevention , Kin.
Don’t surrender.
You are not powerless over every aspect of your life. You are only powerless over gambling.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…….”

[kin]

Hi Vera

Thank you for being there always. I have received your message well.

“I am not powerless over every aspect of my life. I am only powerless over gambling.”

[vera]

Its been over a week since you posted, Kin.
Give us an update when you are ready.
I hope you got your job sorted out and your salary paid?
I know money is not everything but we need it to survive.
The ONE thing we DO NOT need is GAMBLING!!!

[kin]

Hi Vera,

Recovery was not ok. I was fearful of the new changes in my life and I have return to my old ways, I wanted a quick fix and took over the control of the steering wheel. I stop giving up my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways; my self-will.

When my mind is more settled, I will put my thought to words in here. It is not flowing right now, I did not want to glorify gambling.

It is 25th Jan and my company has not paid me my salary for the month of December 2016 and my final salary on 18 Jan 2017. They are breaking every employment acts.

I have already given money and made amend to my mum, sis, an elderly man, cleared all my bills and pass my blessing to people who needs it more than me, it was more than the amount of money if I was paid by my company.

I don’t have money but I had the money.

I just wanted to let you know, everything is not ok in recovery but I am ok.

I did not obey God but God did not abandon me, I am sure God has help me to do what I cannot do for myself.

I will update in detail soon…

[maverick.]

Kin, stay strong my friend and as we both well know God will always look after us and show us the way, he has shown me the way many times in my life and I have ignored him so many times…..that is my sin, I will try to listen and move my life forward but I wanted to share with you and also wish you well, you are a very good person with a good heart, all we can ever do is keep trying to improve our lives, take care my friend and hope this finds you well, life is like a roller coaster with all the ups and downs…….I am afraid to say for us compulsive gamblers the downs far outweigh the ups!

Wish you well Kin.

Maverick

[kin]

Unexpected things were always going to happen in life.
The only control I have was how I chose to handle them.
I can gamble or I can learn to use courage, humor and grace.

My biggest lesson
No matter what types of trial ~ no matter what types of hardships, difficulties, pain and suffering ; they are not a good reason to gamble.

[lizbeth4]

Kin, Life is made up of unexpected things and changes. One of the biggest lessons that I have ever learned is that the only control I have is over myself and how I react to things and people in my life. This addiction is horrid. We can just keep trying and trying. Take care

[maverick.]

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

There is always hope Kin as we both well know, look after and be kind to yourself!

Take care my friend and speak soon.

Maverick

[kin]

Dear diary
Is it important to prove to myself and others that I was right? Is it worth it? Can I let go and walk away?
What makes me different from all the other normal people was my impulsive and compulsive character.
Sometime I could not walk away or let go of doing something despite knowing the risk, bad consequences and harm that would happen to me.
I found out from my recent experiences that I was still very stubborn, I will still follow my self-will, and I will not walk away.
I was still very irresponsible and will not consider putting the interest of others ahead of me when I was gambling.
It was still very important for me to go ahead to feed my desires to prove myself right but unfortunately, many times it turn out I was wrong every time.
It made no sense that I still continue to engage in self destructive behaviors after all these years as a result of strong self belief, false hope and slow to change.
I need to stay mindful at all times and be highly aware of this weakness to keep my well being in check, I can still be very selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.
When I am physically and mentally tired, these problems will run riot and destroy me in the shortest time.
When I am impulsive and compulsive, everything happen so fast, I cannot remember and don’t have the time to consider taking the safest and longer road.
Keeping myself safe should have been more important than proving myself right.
Sacrificing the decision to prove myself right to protect the family should have been more important.
Sadly and unfortunately when I was tired or distracted by problem, I lost my priority and sight.
There are many more important things than the satisfaction of being proven right.
I was a fool!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kin, Remember self care. Take care of yourself first.

[kin]

Dear diary

I was unprepared for what happen after the winning.
I saw how I wasted my winning on other form of gamble that I would not normally do.
I become greedy, careless and unappreciative of what I had.

[kin]

Dear diary
Today was the first time I saw these lyric by chance, I never listen to metallica song, it says:
“Trust I seek and I find in you”
“Open mind for a different view”
I don’t know why but I feel comforted and it inspire the thought below.

It is back to the drawing board in 2017.
A different job, different salary, different budget from now on walking down the different street.
I shall continue to love God, the family and nothing else matters to me.

[kin]

to be updated.

[kin]

Dear diary
I read today.
Walking away doesn’t determine that you’re a coward;
It determines that you’re mature and thinking responsibly,
about not just yourself but about all the other person too, and families and friends
–who will be affected by the repercussions.
–Above all, remind yourself the alternatives could be much worse:
Remember what’s important to you and how a fight could impact your life.
Look for potential escape route and do not turn back.
When all else fails. There is no shame in running away––you did your best.

[kin]

Dear diary
Anger, panic, fear, and frustration are all emotions
–guaranteed to cause you to fall apart and see red
–rather than think clearly about what is happening.
This is all the more reasons walking away is the best option often, to create the distance needed to cool down.
It’s highly recommended that you learn to avoid getting yourself into situations that threaten fights as an inevitable outcome.
Keep an eye out for danger signs, like the building up of high tension, and stay away.
Attempt to defuse the situation as soon as it arises. By stepping back or standing away — YOU MAKE THE FIRST CALL TO NOT ENGAGE ANY FURTHER..
Keep your distance––move away again.
You might hear yourself being called a loser, coward, weak.
Recognize them for what they are and don’t personalize them. let it roll like water off the duck’s back.
The casino is trying all sorts of tactics, but no damage was done because the mind say ridiculous things.
Don’t look at it as an issue of pride––look at it as an issue of the casino trying to trick and provoke us.
Accept that I have made a mistake and walk away even if I think I am right.
It helps me keep my cool and peace.
The important thing is avoiding a fight, just stay calm and do your best to convince yourself that a fight is a bad idea. Even if you’re seemingly in the right.
The rights and wrongs of the matter can be untangled and resolve later.

[vera]

I wrote a little poem for you in the Poetry Section, Kin. Have a look.

[kin]

Dear diary,
When I gamble, I become Greedy and Impatience, Stubborn and Foolish, Careless and Ungrateful, Irresponsible and Selfish.
It was shocking for me to find so many character defects.
Previously I wouldn’t be able to identify and describe them.
These character defects was kept in check, quiet and under control in recovery.
Financially insecure, broke and indebt was the symptom and the result of gambling
FEAR was my excuse to gamble.

[kin]

Dear diary
1.WALKING AWAY so that my family, friends and me will not suffer any repercussions is mature and thinking responsibly.
2.Taking up the fight and gamble could make matter worst and impact my life.
3.Avoid getting into situation that threaten fights as an evitable outcome; the anger, frustration, fear and panic will make me see red and cannot think clearly about what is happening.
4.This is all the more reasons WALKING AWAY is the best option, TO CREATE THE DISTANCE needed to COOL DOWN.
5.Keep an eye out for danger signs, like the building up of high tension and stay away.
6. Attempt to defuse the situation as soon as it arises . By stepping back and walking away – you make the FIRST CALL to NOT ENGAGE any further.
7. I will feel like a loser, desperate, helpless, weak, coward and beaten. Recognize these feeling, don’t personalize them, don’t look at it as an issue of pride, let it pass.
8.The casino and betting house is trying all sort of tactics to trick and provoke the compulsive gamblers to place the bet.
9.The important thing is avoiding the gamble, just stay calm and do your best to convince yourself that a gamble is a bad idea even if it seem in the right.
10. Look for potential escape route.

The rights and wrongs of the matter can be resolve later.

[kin]

Dear diary
Self-righteousness is “confidence in one’s own righteousness
Self-righteousness is a very difficult sin to get me to see.
It is always a constant temptation to all of us to believe we are right.
14 each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. ~ James 1:14(NIV)
When I lost my job, I was wrong to focus on all the difficulties instead of God and recovery, I ended up replacing honest hard work with gambling for money.
Self-righteousness was a serious problem for me, it keeps me from doing the right thing. It makes me believe in MY LIES.
I listen to the truth but did not choose to obey because all I see was my problem and I could not see a solution. At this point of time, temptation appears so attractive, it appears to be my solution when it is not.
29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” ~John 20:29(NIV)
If you do not repent of your self-righteous hypocrisy, you are storing up wrath for the day of judgment. ~ Roman 2:5
I was wrong.

[kin]

Dear diary
What did I learn this time?
“I” was not walking on a different street, I was still walking around the hole on the same street.
Problem can comes in all form and ways, it could have been the loss of a job, lack of money, sickness, relationship issues etc.
I should have rest on God. I should not focus on my problem, it can only get me into more trouble.
I should not be listening to my lies and false hope, they sounded very attractive and real, the immediate answer looks good but it was wrong, it was not the truth and the long-term solution I need, the repercussion and consequences is very real and heavy in the end.
For the umpteen times, I have disobeyed the truth during difficult times and complicate matters.
It exposes my weakness, character defects and my foolishness. I will be using this new information to do a fearless moral inventory.
When times is good, it was easy for me to give up my self-will but when times are bad, I become unsure, it was easy for me to take back the steering wheel from God and disobeyed the truth.
I have made a very dishonest mistake, I didn’t want to take up immediate temporary employment as a security guard because I did not want to eat humble pie and take hardship. My high pride and proud self become my obstacle.
It was another painful lesson, my flesh was weak, the good times did not last.
What would I have done differently this time if I was given a second chance?
I shall not gamble.
The reality of the discomfort and the uncertainty from losing my job, the fear and insecurity of losing my income and the retirement of the sole breadwinner at home at the same time make me afraid and anxious.
When I was afraid and anxious, I should have rested on my Higher Power and God.
My way is not God’s way.
My emotion during tough time can impaired my judgement.
When all else fail, follow directions ~ AA recovery slogan.
I should take up immediate temporary employment as a security guard.
I must walk down a different street
– during difficult times, gambling must not be an option.

[lizbeth4]

Kin, Gambling should never be a option with us but we all human and make mistakes. Give yourself a break. Dust yourself off and start again. Take care friend.

[kin]

Dear Lizbeth , Vera and Maverick

I have realized that it was easier said than done for me when it comes to surrendering my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways; my self-will during difficult times.

When good times turn bad, I was fearful of the hardships, I was looking for a quick fix. I didn’t want to endure what I felt was undeserved suffering and difficulties so I stop obeying

Temptation itself is not a problem ( if I did not act it out, for real or in the mind. )

It only become a problem when I give in to the temptation; when I made the decision to gamble when things is not going well.

Whenever I try to take control, I lose the control.

It was disappointing and painful to know that this continue to happen, I may be able to resist many temptations but not all the temptations, “I” still allow myself to do wrong for some temptation , I still have reservation to gamble when times is difficult, I kept these excuses to gamble. I don’t like to acknowledge this dishonesty but this relapse highlight the truth about me.

It make me doubt myself more now as there will surely be and always be stormy and difficult times ahead in my life.

It was nothing to be proud if I was more mindful in recovery when my wound was still fresh and life was an uphill climb. Now I doubt and question my faith when times are turning from good to bad and life starts to become unmanageable.

It was easy to obey when time is good, but when times change for the worst, help me God, please grant and bless me with the wisdom, and peace of mind to adapt quickly in good orderly direction.

This brings to my mind something I read about God sending my enemies to take care of me every time when I do not obey.

[kin]

Temptation is not the result of God’s work. God is separated from everything that is evil. God cannot be tempted by evil and He will not tempt others with evil.

Temptation is a trial or test between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. Temptation is not the same as sin. Sin is actually doing wrong. Temptation result in an internal struggle between good and wrong.

During temptation, you are entice to do what is wrong.
Temptation is the tool that the devil uses to lure you away from God.
It is possible to resist temptation.

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. ~ Hebrew 4:15

12 Blessed is the man who endures temptation and will receive the crown of life~ James 1:12

13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God~ James 1:13

Matthew 4:1-11(NIV) Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness
4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2 AFTER FASTING FORTY DAYS AND FORTY NIGHTS, HE WAS HUNGRY. 3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” 4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘MAN SHALL not LIVE on bread alone, but ON EVERY WORD THAT COMES FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD.”

8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all THE KINGDOM OF THE WORLD AND THEIR SPLENDOR. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “IF YOU WILL BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME.” 10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘WORSHIP THE LORD YOUR GOD AND SERVE HIM ONLY.”
11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

Galatians 5:17 (NIV)
17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do the things you wish.
Romans 3:23
23For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

[kin]

6 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must ENDURE MANY TRIALS for a little while.
7 These trials will show that your FAITH is genuine. It is being tested AS FIRE TEST AND PURIFIED GOLD—though your FAITH is far more precious than mere gold.
So when your FAITH remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. ~ Peter 1:6-7(NLT)

[kin]

8 Be alert and of sober mind.
Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith,
because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ~ Peter 5:8-9(NIV)

[kin]

18 Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. ~ Hebrews 2:18 (NIV)

[kin]

15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been TEMPTED IN EVERY WAY, just as we are—yet HE DID NOT SIN. ~ Hebrew 4:15

16Let us then APPROACH GOD’s throne of grace with confidence, SO THAT WE MAY RECEIVE MERCY AND FIND GRACE TO HELP US IN OUR TIME OF NEED. ~ Hebrew 4:16

[kin]

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ~ John 1:9

[kin]

12 Blessed is the man who endures temptation and will receive the crown of life~ James 1:12

[kin]

13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.
God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
And when you are tempted, he will also provide a way to escape so that you can endure it. ~ Corinthians 10:13(NIV)

For sin shall not master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.~ Roman 6:14

[kin]

Dear diary

I didn’t understand why I should flee from temptation. Many times I have stay a little longer to see whether I can beat the temptation.

The truth was many times I have look hard at all my options in hard times and ended up in the wrong place, with the wrong people, doing the wrong things.

I cannot see this until now:

Man was not tempted in real life like Christ in the bible.
Man have the vulnerability to give in to sin because they have a sinful nature. Christ did not have the same vulnerability and a sinful nature.

This explain why I should flee away and not entertain those tempting thoughts.

I should not test myself.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am still nursing my wound, I feel sad and disappointed now but I cannot afford to sit still and do nothing, I need to find any employment for the money immediately.
Every update in the journal has become my lesson.
Right from the beginning, when I lost my job, found out the sole bread winner at home has retired at the same time, lunar new year was around the corner and there will be heavy spending, I should have been more matured and responsible. I should have done the same thing that I was doing right now, find any employment for the money to cover immediate living expenses but I did not.
I did not have a sense of urgency, I was complacent, I had a false sense of security and safety when times was still good (…slowly turning bad). I waited and waited to do the right thing.
My sponsor has the foresight, he told me to get immediate employment during lunar new year. This is one of the very few times I didn’t listen to him.
Sometime things can change overnight, it can happen very fast. My sponsor understands me and know my weakness, this time has proven him right again.
I am feeling depress and not in the right frame of mind to do anything else right now except to do what I know has help me immediately.
Firstly, I am going to seek a closer relationship with God. Secondly to work the recovery program. Thirdly to find immediate employment. Fourthly gambling must not be an option regardless of situations and change.
I do all these because I love my family, otherwise recovery become meaningless. Other things can wait right now.
Everything will be fine by the grace of God.
I have experience worst, I will walk out of this, I just need to be discipline, focus and persevere, one day at a time. Over time, things will improve.

[Jonny123987]

Good luck finding a job Kin.

[kin]

Dear diary
I thought that my faith has grown over the days but I didn’t know that my faith was still small.
The fear that I experiences recently shows my lack of faith
Fear is a denial of the hope that God will take care of us no matter what trials we come up against—especially those that draw out our deepest terrors.
I am really very ashamed about this lack of faith.

~ Isaiah 41:10 ~
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life,
what you will eat or what you will drink,
nor about your body, what you will put on.
~ Mathew 6:25-34 ~
Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
And why are you anxious about clothing?
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
.~ Hebrew 11:1 ~
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
Faith is having the COURAGE to let God have the control ~ anonymous

[kin]

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18 (NIV)

[kin]

Dear diary
Every time it happen, the change was a painful process. It seem to be more painful when good things was given and taken away suddenly. One has already got used to the life, the comfort, stability, peace and joy.

When the material comfort was lost and taken away, and replace by the discomfort of poverty and debt. Life takes a drastic turn.

After a few turning point in my life, I am still not used to it. When I was hit the first time, I was diagnosed to suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Fast forward 25 years later, life has improved, and I have more experiences and confident but I am still a product of work under construction, I was still very affected when the hard trial in life come.
This time I was caught unprepared, I did not expected the good weather to turn bad, at least I never thought it can and will happen to me, not again.

The pain did not come from the seriousness of the problem, it come from my lack of preparation and readiness when it arrive, I did not anticipate this situation and cannot see it coming, it hit me hard.

This problem is real. At this point of my life, this problem has stand out in my recovery.

No matter what type of trial that comes, and the changes, pain and suffering that it brings.
Gambling must never be an option and must not be used for the escape route and for quick relief. The repercussion is heavy.
I am sure this a small trial for me, it is a test, a learning lesson, a wake up call for me to prepare for the bigger storms that will come later in my life.
I will grow old, jobless, lonely, broke and sick one day. I am a man of small faith, if that happen, it will be very hard for me to survive.
This experience has open up my eyes, it has shown me the urgency to prepare and be ready for the rainy days, tsunami and storm ahead in my life.
I cannot do this on my own, I would need the strength and help of God to survive the storms ahead in my life.
I would have to persevere right to my last day – to stay total abstinent one day at a time, to the best of my ability.
Thank you God for everything.

[kin]

Dear dairy

In recovery, we see the quality of our life improves and turn from bad to good after some time.

But are we ready for the real thing – living life on life ‘s term, not our term.
1Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble. ~Job14:1
At some point of time in our life, we may not have gamble but we will see things turning from good to bad.
Are we very bother by unfair and undeserved suffering? Do we feel betrayed by the God of our own understanding? Do we feel disappointed with recovery? Are we going to lose faith, turn back, rebel against the teaching by gambling?

Have I remove every or all my reservations and excuses to gamble ? When living our life start to feel tough and difficult, disappointing, frustrating, painful, stressful, anxious, broke, dark, helpless and hopeless.

Am I going to allow myself to gamble? Am I telling myself it is ok to gamble now? Is this an excuse to gamble? Am I going to turn back and gamble?

2 Peter 2:22

According to the true proverb, the dog has gone back to its own vomit again and the pig which had been washed gone back to rolling in the dirty earth.

Under all the appearances of reformation, still the evil nature remained, as that of the dog or the swine, and that nature finally prevailed. There was no thorough internal change, any more than there is in the swine when it is washed, or in the dog.

Or

Persevere harder and finish stronger!

21and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” ~ Job1:21

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; ~ Proverb 3:5

Bad things can happen to good people.
In Job 3-7 Instead of being supportive and telling Job that God is helping him to grow, Job’s friend, Eliphaz blame his tribulation on his own sins.
They refuse to believe God will allow the innocent to suffer, so they encourage him to repent and beg God for forgiveness. They feel that is the only way God will offer mercy and relief from Job’s trials. Again Job does not turn away from God.
Eliphaz
4 Then Eliphaz the Temanite replied:
3 Think how you have instructed many, how you have strengthened feeble hands.
4 Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees.
5 But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged; it strikes you, and you are dismayed.
6 Should not your piety be your confidence and your blameless ways your hope?
7 “Consider now: Who, being innocent, has ever perished?
Where were the upright ever destroyed?

Don’t quit recovery until the miracle happen!

[kin]

The strong do what they can, the weak suffer what they must.

~ Thucydides in the Melian Dialogue

[kin]

Dear diary
When I was gambling or taking alcohol, my life was like a speeding car running out of control, the scary part was reliving and watching the part where everything in my life start falling apart once again, it was also like a roller coaster at the top coming down very fast and there was little I can do to stop it unless I give up alcohol and gambling totally for good.

[kin]

Dear diary

In recovery, life will slowly turn from bad to good. However sometime in life, we may not do anything wrong but things can also turn from good to bad, this is very real because life do not always turn out according to our term, this is call living life on life’s term.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to learn this important lesson in recovery; just because life did not turn out according to my term, it was no excuse for me to suddenly break my walk in recovery and gamble.

The fear can be real and frightening, it can get very uncomfortable and painful at times but gambling should not be my option.
The ability to adapt quickly and change has been my weakness and is very vital to me staying gamble free.
Take one baby step at a time forward, one day at a time. cheers!

[vera]

Think of the 12 Steps, Kin.
We don’t stroll or walk up steps.
We have to CLIMB!
Climbing will strengthen us.
We all need to climb.
And if you look back, you will see a fellow climber struggling and you will reach out your hand to pull him up.
Likewise, the climber on the higher step will reach his hand for you to grasp.
It’s Life’s Chain, Kin.
We are all on the stairway together.
You are not alone.
There is Someone greater than the climbers in charge.
One day we will all reach the summit.
Keep climbing!

[kin]

Hi Vera

I have heard this saying… recovery from addiction is like climbing up an escalator moving downward, when I stop climbing, the addiction will bring me down.

[Paul2017]

thank you for all your posts in my journal – as a fellow CG I want to tell you that YOU have helped me, you have given me inspiration and YOU have motivated me that I can climb….

we all have challenges , we all have moments to wanting to gamble and I haven’t yet been able to hold onto that ladder or rope to pull me up but I am not falling deeper and that’s important – its slow , its really hard but I am not falling deeper… I know that I wont be cured but I can change ….

you may find it hard but I will say a prayer for you, so you can continue your journey of climbing …

bw
Paul

[kin]

Dear dairy

New day one starts today dated 19 Feb 2016.

To stay total abstinent one day at a time.

[kin]

Let the truth be told, everything in recovery start with HONESTY.
What is my damage?
Maybe or possibly one year worth of my earning in financial damage.
What happen and how it all started?
It started with irrational and distorted thinking. This incident has proven once more that I should not depend on or listen to or trust myself.
My FEAR started to snowball in the month of Jan, with the financial commitments and lunar new year celebration in the month and delayed payment of my salary by the company.
I am facing a small crisis and inconveniences for 2 upcoming months in Jan and Feb after my company delay payment of my salary for Dec and Jan. I would need to borrow to service my financial commitments and stay gamble free.
BORROWING was something I do when I was GAMBLING, I did not want to BORROW money to remain GAMBLE FREE.
I did not have the WISDOM and SERENTIY to be CALM and BE STILL, and I did not have COURAGE to BORROW MONEY to remain GAMBLE FREE, I could have stay gamble free and waited for 2 uncomfortable months until this problem pass.
Instead I felt more and more pressurize as time passes and did not want to disappoint the family about my helplessness.
I started to lose my HONESTY in RECOVERY. I was not truthful about needing temporary financial help to stay gamble free, I started to entertain gamble thoughts to resolve temporary problem.
I never thought this short-term problem can be long term. I turn it into a long-term problem when I gamble, I did not expect this to happen.
The truth and honesty
Drinking and Gambling is not a problem for most people, but it was a problem for an alcoholic and problem gambler like myself.
The experience – losing control
Whether I am gambling on bacarrat or on football matches, it was just too tiring and exhausting for me doing it long hours and it does not offer me the RISK-FREE and STABLE INCOME I get working for long hours.
In gambling, I need to be at my best, when I am tired, my impatient grow, I will gamble everything and risk everything I had. This never happen when I am working, I continue to earn an income even when my condition was not at its best.
My debt continues to grow when I borrow to gamble every time and losing, whereas my debt reduces every time I repay regardless the amount or size of my income.

I have experience attractive winning especially gambling on bacarrat but watching myself lose control of myself and my life in gambling is very discouraging. The winning I had in the morning maybe lost in the evening on gambling days but those earning I made working honestly for the month remains and I was able to use them responsibly in gambling free days.
Honest Hard Work
I did not want to work very hard for very small salary, there are immediate available daily paid jobs. I could be writing about the satisfaction and joy from honest hard work and how my problem resolve over time, and staying gamble free the easy way but I have chose to learn this valuable lesson the hard way.
I was responsible for my action and facing my consequences now. I will have to work hard for the next 10 months to recover the peace, satisfaction and joy in my life.
The repercussion of my wrong action has now brought me inconveniences for the next 10 months from March to December.

[kin]

I am ending this thread and starting a new one as I was not walking down a different street.

[Author]

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