[andigirl]

Today is day 13 since I last gambled.  This is the longest I’ve made it for over 3 years.  Typically I would be at the casino 2-4 times per week.  I made a plan to quit last month after my husband came to the casino to drag me out at 3 in the morning after I had been there for 8 hours.  I had won a large amount of money in a drawing the night before so he knew I would be back out there playing.  When he showed up I had already lost it all plus more.  We needed that money to pay bills and buy presents for our kids Christmas.  I was disgusted with myself and knew how disappointed he was in me.  I expected him to be furious but instead he told me that he was no longer going to watch me self destruct and did what I consider a mini intervention.  At first I was mad that he interrupted my gambling binge but then I realized how much I had hurt him and my kids over the years and I knew I needed help.  I made a plan to quit on New Years Day but I didn’t follow through until a couple days later.  It has been difficult at times but I attended my first GA meeting and that helped.  My husband and I have been seperated for over a year and I don’t know if we can repair the damage my gambling did to our marriage but I know I need to be in recovery to get healthy and believe in myself again.  This addiction has taken so much from me and I know it will take time to rebuild and repair.  I’ve tried to quit in the past but this time I’m actually taking action and getting the help I need.  I feel stronger this time but dealing with all the guilt and confronting how out of control I was is overwhelming at times.  I know I can’t change the past but it haunts me all the time. My husband told me he was proud of me last night and that meant a lot to me.  I pray that God will give us the strength to heal and trust again.  Gambling turned me into someone I never want to be again.  I lied and hurt so many people that I love.  The time I wasted sitting in front of a slot machine disgusts me. I want to be in control of my life again and be healthy and strong. I just wish all this hurt would go away but I know I need to focus on one day at a time so that’s how I’m living right now. Just for today I will not gamble!

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