[halofan77]

My name is Chris and Im a compulsive gambler.
My life is completely unmanageable and out of control. I am so lost that I can’t even think straight. Trying to put my thoughts onto paper is a challenge. I am a compulsive gambler and this addiction has once again taken over my life. I have an addition to sports betting. My days and nights are consumed with the decisions of who am I taking on the next game, how am I going to get the money to pay off my weekly balance, or how much longer until someone once again finds out I gambling my life away. The decision to gamble has caused me to make decisions that could cost me all the good things in my life. My wife, my son, my family, my career. This is not the first time I have put myself into this position. This is the 3rd time over the last 12 years that I have had an episode where I get myself in deep, get help,and over years end up going back out. And as the story goes, each time gets even worse than the last. The first time I went into ga, I went because I thought they would tell me how I could get a loan to pay off my $50k debt I owed my bookie (kind of ridiculous, I know.)  But going to that meeting worked, I heard stories; meet others that shared my addiction, and it lead to me working the program for almost 2 years. I remember how great it felt celebrating my first year and hearing all the great stories about how far I had come and what an inspiration I was to so many people.  It wasn’t common to see someone my age (at the time 21) actually work the program and take such an active role. In time, I reached a point where I began to feel disconnected in meetings and lost the urge to attend my regular meetings. Now that I began to once again have a life and be present at events, going to meetings didn’t seem as interesting. In time I stopped going to meetings all together. 3 years passes and then one day I get that urge and before I know it I have another account opened up and the disease takes over. This episode goes on for 6 months, along the way I manage to steal $30k from my wife (then fiancé) thru credit cards on cash advances and $10k for my company at the time by falsifying expense reports (was never caught). All that plus the personal debt I had accumulated lead to me contemplating suicide and eventually a trip to a 12 step rehabilitation center. Once I got out, I felt new again. I felt lucky to have come out of that episode losing nothing but time. My friends and family were completely behind my recovery. I lost nothing. If anything, I gained more love and respect for wanting to turn my life around and I did. I was promoted at my job, which then lead to me being recruited by another company who doubled my salary. Life couldn’t have been better. I now had a wife and soon came my beautiful son.
Now it brings me to my latest episode. Almost a year ago, I found myself board at home one weekend. Whenever I become board, is when I become weak. I then fought the urge to call my old reliable bookie. He of course is always there ready to take my money. Once I was opened back up, I battled my internal self for a good hour before finally placing my first bet. I know as you read this, you are screaming at the screen telling me to call my sponsor, call someone on the list, tell someone in my support system. But I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t. Once that first bet was placed, I knew that admitting that I placed a bet would cost me more than any dollar amount I could possibly lose that day. My wife would never forgive me again; my friends and family would be devastated.  All of this and yet I still choose to continue gambling. As I said, every time I’ve went back, things have always gotten worse. I now find myself in situations that I have no idea to get out of.  I feel like I have nowhere to go and have no one that I can go to.  I find myself waking up several times at night. It’s hard to sleep at night when you are hiding so many secrets, holding so much guilt, and fearful of what’s going to happen when this all comes crashing down.
 I’m not suicidal, but I do have days where I pray that I don’t wake up so that I won’t have to deal what is going on.  The only thing that stops me from running from this all is my son! Seeing him every morning gives me inspiration to somehow make it through the day. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together at work. I am a director of a large organization and barley holding it together. Unfortunately years of manipulation and deception has made me a pro at playing the role of being in control. I play the role of a compulsive gambler that is working the program very well. I have made everyone in my life aware that I am a compulsive gambler and do not gamble on anything. I am never suspected of gambling at the office, because I won’t even participate in company raffles or office pools. The truth is, most days I am in my office, with the door closed watching a game, with of course a wager on it. Projects get completed, but not as fast as they should be. At home, I am in another world and my wife just thinks that I am a stress case because of all that’s going on at work. I’m always on my laptop watching game, but she thinks I’m working on work. I really hate who I’ve become. I hate the father, the husband, and all in all the person I am today. My internal battle is what is going to fill this void and rush I get from gambling. I do realize that gambling is not my problem, gambling is what I do to escape whatever problems I am dealing with, real or imaginary. But what is it that keeps leading me to destroy my life, every time I build it up. That’s the million dollar question. I’m hoping in writing this, it will finally lead me in a better direction.  Ill close with what I’ve been taught…..
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

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