[lisal69]

Hello everyone,
I came over to this side of the fence because I am looking from a different point of view, maybe some insight as to how my boyfriend, a cg of over 20 years, could possibly be thinking right now as he is somewhat in denial, after he had already admiitted he had a problem some years ago. 
If you had time, you could take a look at my thread in the family & friends forum, to see what we both have been through, for it is too much to put in this thread.  I guess what I’m looking for is some sort of understanding, how he may feel, what he may mean.  I know you are not him, but he is in a place that some or most of you were at at some time throughout your own ordeal or fight with this illness.
I do understand that there is no way to control the addiction to gamble, which is what my bf was telling me he could do by buying a lttery ticket a week for a dollar. But it is more that that.  He is keeping his addiction active not only by a simple lottery ticket, but now he is playing in more pool tournaments than he was before he walked out on me.  I was ok with the pool tournaments (once a week), but I now understand that is enabling the addiction, so he is still lying about trivial things to major things, and does things behind my back without talking it over with me first.  He left a little over a month ago now, because he needed to "think" about what is right and wrong, mind you, he still hasn’t figured that out as of yet, so he says. 
He self banned from all the state’s casinos, which was a step in the right direction for him, and he did this last year, but no outside help whatsoever.  He told me that before I met him, he did go to GA, but stopped.  I am in his corner, always have been and always will be, but I don’t understand why he can’t see this.  Now, he will visit me maybe once a week, tells me he loves me, leaves, and ignores me or picks fights and calls me names, for the next few days, and it happens usually day before or day of a pool tournament.  He has put me second best I suppose.  So, my question, Is he happier being able to go shoot pool whenever he wants, rather than being here, and am I just "nagging" him as he says I am, and why can’t I trust him like he says he wants me to, but without any proof provided to show he did what he said he did?  I know, that was more than one question, but I really can’t get an answer from him when I ask, not a straight answer.  And I believe I’m losing a battle that was never meant for me to win.  I want to support him in his right decisions, but find myself less than good for him at times, as he makes me feel.
Thank you for reading my post, and I appreciate any feedback.  And I am proud of all of you who are here wanting help in getting your own lives and happiness back.
Lisa

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