[p]

Well, another day another thread! I like starting new threads, they are like new chapters. I am likely to close one as soon as i open it. But thats ok, Its my thread, its my story and these are my chapters of my life. I change my thread as i change my life. Its just what I like to do. (if i could figure out how to get a smiley in this space i would).. So hello again friends and on with another chapter.
P

[Anonymous]

Hi P:  I hope that the shocker isn’t that you’ve gambled. I’m praying that is the case.  Please come back and let us know what is happening with you.  Love, RG"I ***** him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” – Aristotle

[cat438]

(((P))) where are you? We want to know you are okay?  If the shocker is that you gambled then don’t stay away as this is when you need to be posting. One day at a time my sweet lord…

[kathryn]

Thinking about you this morning P, it’s 6.30am here and I’m having my coffee with you, it’s actually a bit cold (the coffee) so if you’re making I’ll have a fresh one! Your friends are waiting for you when you are ready…. Love K ***

[p]

Hi thank you friends for your posts… I have had a really bad few days and I am still not there yet but I have a counselling session soon which i am hoping will help me. I have had really really bad anxiety, panic attacks, sadness. Its just an accumulative thing after dealing with some stress for a little while and its built up and built up. I did drive to a venue 3 days in a row. In a total frenzy i went there and i was absolutely unstoppable till i went to get out of the car and each time i got so angry then burst into tears and drove away. It was actually like being pulled toward a magnet and fighting to get away but I did. It was a very strange thing that happened. I feel like a total lunatic actually that i did that, but i did not gamble, i used a **** of a lot of petrol driving round the place though. I just felt crazy and i can see that when stressful things happen and especially when it involves finances too i react that way. it must be inbuilt in my memory that this is the solution to my problems. I know its not. The solution to any of my problems will never be gambling it will only give me more problems. My family are all scattered all arguing because there are financial things going on. it will effect my future too. but i just have to hang in there each day and stop projecting forward, what happens happens and i will just have to accept that and face what comes each day. One day at a time. I felt like i couldnt breathe for a while. I am trying to stop worrying. All i can do is live in this day as best i can. Deal with only what happens today with everything not just with gambling. I cant stop worrying about things lately so thats what i have to do. It has triggered the panic and anxiety and depression in me again and i was doing so well. It just disappoints me how quickly i have gone backward but just like everything i gotta keep trying, i have to move forward and i have to just stay in today. phew… off to work i go.– 7/2/2013 9:21:45 PM: post edited by P.

[Anonymous]

YAY P!!!  No gambling for you — I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!  I was so worried that my stupidity got you in gear and off you went.  It doesn’t matter that you drove there — it matters that you drove away.  Good girl!!!  One day at a time.  It’s all we can do.  I AM back P — with a vengeance — right here beside you.  I grabbed on to your hand and I will not let go until you pry me off with a sharp object (kinda like a leach !)
When you have those sad/worried/anxious moments P, try to stop for a minute.  Sit down and acknowledge that you’re feeling bad.  Scan your body and notice where the tension is, how your stomach feels, if your jaw is clenched and just let go.  And then start to make a mental list of all that is good in your life — you’ll be shocked at how lucky you are.
I did this when I woke up today, because I was heading for a sorry-for-me kinda funk.  I got into the shower and just let myself feel ******.  Then I did my list, said a little prayer and concentrated on enjoying my shower.  I know my day would have been a wreck if I had not taken those small actions. 
I’m heading out now to take my dog for a walk on the beach for 30 minutes.  That’s my workout for today.  Didn’t hit the gym but will definitely tomorrow.  Kids and husband off to gym then cheap Tuesday movies to see the Lone Ranger — not my scene today. 
Keep moving forward as you are P.  You are rocking this thing.
RG"I ***** him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” – Aristotle

[p]

Aww thanks RG sometimes i am just gobsmacked at the support i receive its just so nice. The urges are with me a lot, i am sick of them but i am still moving forward and just doing what i have to do. I dont knwo the desire is ever going to not be there to tell you the truth. I loved gambling but its something i know i cant do. I know it in my heart this time that if i go back i am gone.. I will not be able to go once. If the urge are bad for me now after some time up and i am having trouble fighting them i know only too well that if i go back once, if i put one dollar in a machine there will be no one day of gambling for me, there will be an all out frenzy and i do not know if i would find my way back here, in my heart i just know it.. it is all or nothing for me and with gambling it has to be nothing. I want to go so badly some days that it makes me cry.. its something i cant do, i have to let it go. Goodbye gambling.
P

[p]

Well, got through the day, it wasn’t hard today to get through, had those urges in the morning, went to work, ate lots of food which i am not posting on the feel good thread because i ate way too much, did not fulfill my exercise promise and saying i will start it tomorrow.. haha.. yes, procrastinating big time as usual but you know what. I’m ok with it just now because i am not gambling. I feel i have got through a very very trying time and i am hoping the waters will be much smoother from here on in.
I am feeling renewed in my recovery all of a sudden. I actually feel quite content at the minute. Its amazing how things can change when i just focus on the good stuff. I couldnt do that last week but today i can. So maybe tomorrow wont be ok maybe it will but what i can do is focus on now and now feels actually pretty good, a very welcome change. My ***** are so up and down arent they. Oh well.
P

[cat438]

((((P)))) YEAH SO GLAD YOU DID NOT GAMBLE!!!!  YOU GO GIRL, I AM SO PLEASED FOR YOU THAT I DID ALL THE SMILEY FACES FOR YOU, THAT YOU CANT DO!!!  IT’S ALL IN CAPITALS AS I AM SHOUTING FROMT HE ROOF TOP THAT YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[p]

Hey Cat thanks for all those smileys, why dont mind do that.. here is mine 🙂
**** it doesn’t look nearly as good as those happy yellow ones. But there is a smile there and that’s that main thing, thanks for sending them to me Cat.
P

[Anonymous]

I see you tried to join session today P, we are experiencing issue at the moment however I will continue and hopefully will clear. Sorry for the issue, hope to be able to chat soon.
Cathie

[p]

Well i got my head back on the right way round again yippee.. went to a meeting again and feel i am back in recovery again, so looking forward to seeing my counsellor this week.. I didn’t realize i would miss it so much so it shows me that it is doing me good. I feel relief after i go there and chat. I always think i won’t have anything to say yet i don’t seem to shut up the whole time i am there. Today i am happy to wake and know i can have a gamble free day today, my head along this journey kept saying you won’t make it, you can’t do it, look at your history, what’s the point you will fall eventually. Today i am going to work on changing those thoughts once more to you know what, i can do this, i am doing this and i am now living a gamble free life.. have been for some time now so it is possible, and if i can do it for the last time ive been doing it for i can also do it for today… I think that i was being tested last week.. I think that it was temptation and somehow getting through those tests and being so close to gambling and feeling like its impossible to coming out without gambling has made me stronger today. Maybe it was me finally letting go. Maybe its just what will happen through recovery and i have to deal with it each time it does.. No matter what happens today, i dont have to gamble. No matter what. I feel things changing, i feel i am changing. Its been a very slow long drawn out process of four years trying to stop. It has taken the full four years of relapsing and being knocked down and getting back up time after time after time to get to a point today where i feel i can actually do this. I think it is different too when you have someone asking you to go get help or being found out. I was not found out or busted, or was not accountable to anyone. I chose to go get help, but it has taken this amount of time for me to actually feel that i am at a place that i can do it. I cant ban, i handle my own finances and no one is checking up on me. However with the help of here and GA and a higher power of my own understanding and counselling. I believe today i can live a gamble free life. That week of close calls has actually been part of the process of me letting go i think. However, i am aware of what addiction is, i am fully aware of it now. It is very very powerful and very sneaky. I know one thing, addiction is out to kill. It wants to take me down, the aim of addiction is to ruin me. it will if i let it. Today after years of help i can say, i will not let it.
This is how i feel today! Tomorrows another story but i will face that when its today hahaha..
P

[p]

Wow another session with Cathie and i feel even stronger again.. today will be a good day
P

[p]

I am so tired.. dont think ive ever felt this tired wow yawn yawn.. night

[cat438]

P I am so glad to read your post about getting help again!!!  You are doing so great and your posts are sounding more positive again.  We are funny creatures, how one day we feel great and other days we feel overwhelmed.  I am slowly working through the issue that was bothering me.  I am going to see a counselor on Friday so I am looking forward to that.  It just helps me clear my head as I find when I talk to a counselor I never know what is going to come up.  It is a new counselor so we will see how it goes.  I had a really good counselor when I first went to Addictions Foundation and unfortunately she retired and the second one I went to through Addictions Foundations was not the same.  I am going to a different one, but not through Addictions Foundation.  I hope that she is good!!!  Keep on doing what you are doing P as you are doing awesome!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[p]

Thanks Cat
Not sure what is going on think i have a virus or bug of some sort because i am soooooo tired, not normal tired but tired where i feel i havent slept when i wake up and tired so its an effort to move my arms and legs, how weird. I do have sore throat with it so here goes, getting stuck into the vit c etc…. Im very impatient when i get sick.
Yesterday i got home and flopped on the lounge and watched a movie with my boy.. from there on it was pretty much me not moving at all. So much for me committing to exercise boy oh boy.
Well, there is always today.. i am such a procrastinator. How hard can it be to do 20 mins a day even 10.. ok so today i will endeavour to do that. Surely it cant be that hard. I think i comfort eat, certainly going to have to address these things just don’t know if its right now.
I am still thinking of gambling, i think of it a lot, it is always in my mind. I really look forward to a time when i dont constantly think of it. I have small patches, like at work or if i see a movie etc but a lot of the time those **** machines are in the back of my mind. I thought by now they would disappear but haven’t. I am determined though. One day at a time is all i need think of. Sticking to my GA meetings and going to counselling. Not long left of the school holidays, hopefully on the days i don’t work we can fit in some more fun things
P

[p]

Hi again.. another post. I have a cuppa in hand, its all that will fit in after an indulging lunch today but it was so worth it, took my mum and boy out to lunch and we had a great day full of food and chatter. Flopping on the lounge now and cant move again. I have bought a trial period for a gym so my lazy behind is going to have to use it and i start it next week. My body i am sure will be in the shock of its life. haha. I feel ok at the moment tired, full, kind of lazy and sunshiny today. Pretty good for the middle of winter. Im feeling relaxed and happy that gambling isnt part of my life today. I am making plans in my diary to go to a certain amount of meetings a week. I need to slot things into that diary because after work all i want to do is flop.. i think i need to avoid the lounge all together. I might need to say i wont sit on the lounge till a certain time because boy is it hard to get up once i sit down.. feeling really really tired but pleasantly happy right now. Going to go have a little read and relax. Worked really hard this week so i am enjoying this time. Taking my boy to the movies again soon. We have already been twice this holidays hehe..
I have to say its taken me a little while to adjust to not wanting to jump out of my skin all the time.. i was a bit like a caged tiger to begin with this post relapse.. not been able to settle and generally restless restless restless. I feel this afternoon the change is coming, im adapting to the gamble free life, its taken me a long time to let go of chasing that feeling.. i chased the feeling gambling gave me, the environment, just being there, but i dont chase the feeling of absolute disgust i have in myself afterward, i dont chase the pain and the mental unrest that i feel from it, i dont chase the absolute desperation that i felt with my last relapse. I dont chase the feeling of wanting to die.
P

[p]

Strange I went to bed so tired but couldnt sleep. Morning now and time for another day. I will make it a good one.
P

[p]

Strange I went to bed so tired but couldnt sleep. Morning now and time for another day. I will make it a good one.
P

[kathryn]

Hiya P,
I was up with the birds too…..ugh, Saturday morning and no sleep in!!!!!!!
Going to do the grocery shopping today, I might go to Kmart and see if I can get a few things for Fiji.  Then im planning a very lazy weekend, this time in 3 weeks ill be packing to go…..woohoo!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, hope to see you around,
Love K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi again. Thanks K. I am noticing I am coming to life. Am thinking of what other interests I could have. Small pieces of who I used to be coming back. The me without addiction. I am actually getting excited about the possibilities. Other things. New experiences. I think recovery will make my life better than it could have been without it. Never thought that would be a thought I would have. My life is really changing…
P

[finding_laura]

Good morning P,
sorry I missed you earlier, would have loved a catch up. Reading your post made my heart light up 🙂 Thinking of you getting excited about the possibilities of life. My life is so full now that I only wish I had more time to fit more in! The good thing is that I’m living it. I’m connected to it. Not every day is a good day or a glamorous day, far from it. But I can find the blessings in everything, in this every day life. And I can thank recovery for that. Thank you for being the kind supportive loving person that you are. Life can be tough on tender hearted souls but don’t let that keep you from knowing you are someone special. Sleep well and have a lovely day my friend 🙂
Laura

[p]

Laura i am so excited to see you post.. I was starting to worry about you but there is no need you are just living life wahooo pretty good reason not to have seen you in a while. I do want to thank you for over the years you supported me many many ***** when i was at my lowest points.. I am finally putting one foot in front of the other and it was an absolute pleasure to wake up today to a new morning that i can choose to do something good with.
Today i woke full of gratitude for my life and for my recovery. I am far from the sad hermit that i once was. Life is beautiful when i choose to see it that way.
P

[p]

Come and chat Vera i know you are out there.. come back come back i miss talking to you
P

[p]

Well… I am learning things. I am learning boundaries. I am learning not to be a people pleaser. Have been that for a very long time. Lightbulb moments lately. Wow. This iz good.

[finding_laura]

Good morning miss P (for me),
seems i missed you again! People pleaser, yep I’m one of those too. I also tend to worry alot about what people think. Not sure why but I do. Try not to. I love the expression “what other people think of me is none of my business” That’s the one I have to keep reminding myself of. Wish the light bulb would go on for me. I’m going to be on a long leave from work soon so hopefully we can connect. We’ll just have to make a “date”. Hope you find the beauty in tomorrow. Sweet dreams P.
Laura

[p]

Hi thanks Laura, lovely to see you again, i have missed you here…
Well, i am being tested, feeling good but being tested with boundaries and they are just coming up more and more.. i can get through them, just learning to be true to myself its a good feeling
P

[p]

Well i am lost for words today
P

[cat438]

(((P))) what is wrong????  Please post and let me know that you are okay girl!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[Author]

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