[edwardsk]

I have never posted here before, words of any sort of everyone would be much appreciated.

My gambling Journey begun over 10 years ago now, I wasn’t even of legal age to gamble but that never stopped me from getting started online. My situation is that casinos aren’t the problem and never really have been. My gambling takes place on a computer and is accessible any day, any time and at the drop of a hat. In the beginning it started out smaller and was a manageable situation that didn’t truly effect my life all that negatively. But like a drug addict you need to increase the dosage in order to keep getting the same high. over the last 10 years I have for all intensive purposes ceased to be apart of life. In a sense of irony I am as frugal and tight with money in every area of my life, only to reserve every cent I can for gambling. The hardest part is staring down at having nothing, less than nothing and being in a positon that is so far behind anyone else my age.

I could write a hundred different stories about my gambling experiences. Unlike some I have seen a great deal of winnings over my time, but in some sick way I actually don’t even enjoy the winning, it’s the losing that get’s me the gambling high. The thing with me is my gambling is always and forever for my entire worth, no matter what. If I have $5,000 to my name than I will gamble to that full amount and if that amount is $50,000 than I will gamble that full amount. Part of it is the need to have everything on the line, having a fraction just does nothing.

I will touch on my most recent story, something that just happened and something I need your help with if you are reading this right now. I am currently in a position in life where I need to acquire money in order to basically start a new life. I have been struggling for the last few months, just making it by, throwing whatever I get towards gambling. 2 weeks ago I deposited $500 into my online account where I bet sports and play blackjack, I am actually a skilled poker player but the game doesn’t get me high because of it’s slow pace and lowered risk. It’s not uncommon for me to have a miracle type run here and there where an initial deposit turns into a great deal of money. In this case, that $500 turned into an excess of $30,000. By the end of it I was betting thousands upon thousands on a single sporting event or playing black jack at $500/hand. As you can imagine, instead of taking that $30,000 and starting a new life for myself in being able to change all the things relying upon money, I instead lost it all in a matter of a few hours. By the end of it I had one longer standing bet that won and paid out $3,200 and I saw myself as being down so much that it was like $20 to me and I put it on the first “live bet” I could see, a bet I knew nothing about but I had to do it.

My first and only instinct In this situation is wanting and needing to be dead. The pain of it is overwhelming, not just losing out on all the money I had but in that my life would have been completely different if I would have just walked away with it. I don’t know how to move forward, I don’t know how to go to work a job that I hate more than words can describe to make a couple thousand dollars a month. When I just had an amount of money that would take me years of working at this job to ever save and have in my possession. I feel like I have no way out of this and it’s painful just to be alive and thinking about. When you gambling for these types of stakes and have that type of money, how can you go back to caring about grinding out a month of hell to get the smallest fraction of that? This felt like my last chance, and several times before I have been in these types of situations but this is the biggest and at this point it feels like I can’t recover or go on. If I go to work next month and at the end of it can save a few hundred dollars or maybe $1,000 what does that mean to me? what does it mean on the scale of the type of money I just had and was dealing with. How do you go on or motivate yourself when you have done what I have done.

[Coaster76]

It’s never too late to stop , everything you say I’ve felt , let’s save £100 pound this month, that’s a whole month of watching what I spend to put such little away. I can win that on one game of t20 cricket and then go again ! That’s the problem , I call it a numbers game, what gets me going is that knot in your stomach when a bet is on, the feeling when you win is what I strive , the number is irrelevant as we’ll give it back again with interest . One great phrase I read on here, once you have decided to gamble that money has gone and it’s so true. I feel sad that I can’t enjoy a bet like my friends, and I hate the fact that I can’t stop an urge once I start . We must do all we can to stop , what matters is you have made a step and posted, just like I did yesterday. I can’t tell my wife as she just doesn’t get gambling and I feel ashamed of not only the money but time I’ve spent on it. To me it’s about step at a time, and I want this to be last day 1. You’ve made a start, the motivation you have is to bear this . I’ve gone weeks without gambling before and in doing so felt so much better, for me I need to control those urges, i think we need to take away every tool to bet which is hard.

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