[stormmoma]

Sure, I’m "broke" right now.  I lost all my money last night.  It’s easy to talk about having a problem when you’re broke, right?
A few weeks ago I told my husband I felt I had a problem.  At first, he was compassionate, but not "strict" like I needed him to be.
So, last night, he gives me the debit card to get gas (so I told him) and thought "I know I have a problem, so I’ll have control".  Well, control went out the window.
Today, though broke, I have resolved to make my life gambling free.  While I have probably not even touched the depths of despair that many of you have due to my income level, it is still a problem, and I am not going to rob my kids of another Christmas.
Right now, our water is off, as is our gas.  I did a 6 month projection on my Money program, and IF I didn’t gamble, by year’s end, we could have $4,000 in our bank account, AFTER Christmas and Daughter’s birthday (just 4 days apart).
So, that tells me how much I am losing to gambling.  I am so desperate to get back on an even keel with the bills, that I am losing paychecks to hopefully win just enough to have "one extra" paycheck amount.  Of course, that doesn’t work…you lose the paycheck.  I mean, even if we win, it’s not enough, is it?
Patience and learning to cope with my own issues of why I am gambling and being an active member here, I believe, will be the keys to keeping me in check.  I am hearing impaired, so I am delighted to find an alternative to actually going to a GA meeting.
What scares me the most is will I have these same feelings the next paycheck?  Thinking "will I be able to get lucky…maybe $20 or $40 won’t hurt".  I don’t think that I could even gamble $5.00 at a nickel a play anymore…I am freakishly lucky at times, and I fear winning more than losing.
As I start my path, I give a (((HUG))) to all of you who are thinking about starting the path, or are on the path and going through struggles to stay there. 
I never thought that this problem would be bigger than my love for my family.  I don’t think it is, but by the way I act, you sure wouldn’t realize it.  You would think I was the most selfish, childish person in the world by my actions.
Today, my husband will no longer work for free at his job.  I owe it to him and my children to get myself back in line and to take care of them.  With patience, we could have $4000 left over at Christmas.  That is my goal.  And the $4000 will go into savings, NOT into a casino!
 

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