[Malkie1981]

Diary day 1.

It is now 6 days since everything about my gambling and debt came to light. I have hurt and dissapointed people so badly and the person that I have done the most damage to is the woman that I love and I know she is questioning that and finding that hard to belief and I can’t blame Kate for that. I do really love her though and the kids. I know that I have gambled a lot of money and it is going to take a lot to get it sorted but I will do anything I can to do this. I could try and blame others like the website I used for example, but it isn’t there fault they are a business at the end of the Day and people like me help them. This addiction is threatening everything I know and care about. I still don’t know why I choose gambling as my tool to escape over anything else. I am battling with that thought in my head everyday and have done since I started. To start with it would be fun and it was a welcome escape from the amount of time I spent away which was causing problems in its own. Since coming back from Cyprus things have been tough. However our little miracle that is Lachlan brought light into our life’s.  Over the last few months things have been so much better. We were really looking forward to seeing each other and being a family again until everything came out. I am glad it did as I should of done something about this so much sooner. However I hate the way it came out and the fact I never did it face to face. I know that I have been a good husband through out our relationship. I have been there during tough times and I ave been a good dad and if I get the chance I will prove I can be both again and better. I need to set myself goals and look to achieve them. I need to set out a plan and act on it. I know Kate is good at setting routines so with her help I could do so much more. But instead of watching TV I need to be more active more involved. 

I will be 4 months free of gambling when I leave here and the next big push is to hit 6. The 8. 10 a year and so on. I will do this and I will beat. I had no idea how much harm I was causing before it came out. It could be sorted before anyone found out in my eyes which was a lie I told myself.  I can now see what I have potential lost. An amazing wife we I do love so much and 3 wonderful kids we I also adore. I know me and Ben have had a couple rough patches but I and we have worked so much harder to improve that and we were also. He not be my son by blood but I love him as if he was.

I plan to

Become more involved in homework instead of assuming Kate will do it.

Take the kids to the park instead of putting the TV on or tun it off if they do and say we are going out. Whether it is to play on the swings. Kick a ball with Ben or jump in puddles If the weather is rubbish.

Cook more from scratch and cook more in general.

Tidy up more. I can do it when I am away so I can do it at home.

These are just a few things I need to try and I will do. From alot I have read it says setting myself little goals helps me to retrain my brain and control and get over this addiction. With the support of my family the people I love I will prove to you all that I can and I will definitely prove to myself that things can get better.

I have never been abusive or violent towards any of my family. Until I read all the things I have read about gambling I didn’t realise just how many people it has affected. I know that I will never be able to not see gambling around me but if I so choose to ever do it again I would without a doubt be using to live a very lonely and unhappy life.

I can’t say sorry enough to everyone but especially Kate and the kids. I hope you allow me to be a part of your future and make it up to you all.

[monique]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[monique]

Well done for telling your story. It sounds like you have begun to make some important decisions to change things in your life. It can be tough to stick with your good intentions – it takes a lot of courage, determination etc. So it’s great you have come here to find others who can help you know that you are not alone, who can give you useful information and support to keep going. I hope you get replies soon and you’ll find that helpful. Do take a look at the Support Groups, too, and join in.
Wishing you well.

Monique

[Malkie1981]

Thank you for your comments and that is exactly what I am trying to do. It has almost totally destroyed my life but I have 3 beautiful kids that I need to choose over anything now. I also hope that i can save my marriage as I love my wife so much but have hurt her badly too. I was blind to exactly what I had when I was gambling. It just took over and before I knew it I was so far in. The thing that is hurting people the most is the fact I never told anyone. I was ashamed of myself. I just hope in time things will get better.

[Malkie1981]

Diary day 2

I am trying to take each day as it comes and look forward. At the end of today it will be another day that I can mark off as not having gambled. I don’t feel the urge or want to gamble anymore. It has been so destructive in such a short space of time. You tell yourself that it won’t affect you like it has other people. However that was clearly not the case. I feel stronger towards defeating this and I will. It will always be there but I have to continue to change the way I think. Looking at my wife and the kids shows me what I have and I would be making a huge mistake again to choose gambling over them. I know that I haven’t thought like that in the past but I didn’t realise it was a problem until it was too late. I now know that I have a problem and it will be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life, but there is absolutely no reason why I can’t. Lots of people learn to control their addictions whether it’s gambling, smoking, or drugs, and I have seen people do this and read about it too. If they can do it and move on and be happy again I can and will be one of those people too. I will do it for myself and also for my wife and the kids. I want them to grow up and look at me and say my dad made a mistake and was in a bad place but he proved to us that he could turn it around and is a great dad. I don’t want them to think that I am a loser or a waste of space.

I am continuing to read a lot of information and talk to people. I know that I need to stand in front of so many people when I come home but I won’t back down I will stand there and admit I have made a mistake and continue with fighting my addiction.

I need to look at doing more to change the way my brain works. I need to continue with the training and diet to keep the weight off giving me much more positive thoughts about myself. Which also means I can do more with the kids. Like the TV I need to stay off Facebook and stuff like that I should start to read more. So I engage my brain in a better way. These are all things that will help me become stronger.

I read something yesterday that I will use to help me defeat this too

It describes your life in chapters and how in each chapter you walk down a street and you see a black hole and you fall in. if you choose help you manage to get out. If you don’t you managed to get out yourself. However in the next chapter if you haven’t got help you fall in again but you can’t get out. If you got help after falling in the first time the black hole is still there but you walk around it. In the next chapter the hole is still there but it is smaller and you choose to walk round it again. In the next chapter you know that it is there but you can’t see it until in the final chapter it has gone and you have used the correct support and help to overcome the addiction.

I found these simple words and steps very positive and I will apply them to what I am doing. I am in the chapter where I fell in the hole but I have admitted to myself and others that I now have a problem and I have also ask for and am actively looking for support both by myself and support from others.

I appreciate people reading this.

I promise myself I will overcome this and I promise the kids and my wife and all my family and friends that I will do it too.

[Malkie1981]

Diary day 3

Today is another day that I can mark off as a day free from gambling. It may only be one day but in the weeks, months and years to come these single days will mean so much. I am continuing to prove to myself that I can overcome this and this will then give me the power and belief to prove to my wife and the kids that I can do it too.

I am proud of something that I achieved yesterday and it may only seem small to people but for me it was a positive step towards the future and I proved to myself that I can do this and pick my family over this horrible addiction.
I was offered a horse in the grand national sweepstake!! I said no, no one would of known if I did but I said no. I know that it is such a small thing but it has proved to me that I can do it.

I can’t say thank you enough for all the people who are supporting my wife and the kids and me. It really means the world to me.

I am continuing looking for support and reading so much advice. I have found a book that a man wrote about how he recovered from his addiction while spending a lot of time abroad. Hopefully it will arrive soon and give me some more tools to help me defeat this.

I also received a video in a msg today! The words that are said in it are incredibly emotional and motivational and I will watch it a lot I am sure of that.

From now on I will live everyday like it is my last!! I want to make my loved ones happy again and that is what I want to be remembered for, not my addiction.

If people tell me I can’t do it well I sorry but I can and will beat this!!! My competitive nature isn’t always my best characteristic but it will help me to win this battle.

I have a lot to give in the future I know that and I will be there to help my kids learn from my mistakes and hope for them not to make the same ones. No matter what happens in there life’s I will be there for them.

I know that these are only words, but I am continuing to look for support and read and get help. I know that everyone at home can’t see what I do but I have now heard what words can do if said in the right way. I will come through and I will prove I can do it.

My future is not written yet so it’s up to me to write it and it is going to be a much better future with my mind in the right place controlling it. I will connect the dots that held my happy past together again and bring them in to the future.

Fear of this not working could destroy me before I start but I won’t allow fear to do this. Fear may make other people decide things too but we should try and not let fear pick our future our heart should do that.

Thank you all for your support and continually help without you all this journey would be so much harder.

[Malkie1981]

Diary day 4

I am lying on my bed looking at all the pictures of my wife and the kids I have on my wall. Looking at us all happy. I want to be able to make them smile like that again with me. I believe that I can in time.

Watching some of the golf last night I didn’t realise until now just how many gambling adverts come on in the breaks. I felt myself getting annoyed by them and using them as a tool to get over this. I won’t let them ruin my future. I have been through a lot in my life so far and been through a lot with my wife.

I really miss my wife and the kids and want to be there with them instead of being here.

It is another day that I can mark off as not having gambled. Lots of people talk about gambling here and I am being strong and either walking away or thinking to myself I can’t always walk away from it so I need to be strong. So anytime I see it on tv or someone mentions it, it makes me more determined never to do it again.

Anyone can be happy when things go easy or right what is important is how we move forward when things go wrong. Life will never be smooth but if I don’t give up it can be good again. I will not give up and I won’t give up. I may need help along the way from people I love and that are being supportive I don’t doubt that for 1minute. I will have ups ad downs but what is important is how I deal with them. I don’t look back at what was done I look forward to what is in my life. 3 beautiful kids who I will help when things are hard. Being supportive to them in things they do. Watching them grow and go on to lead there life’s. Hopefully see them get married and have kids too. A wonderful wife also that i want to mke happy and show that i meant it when i took those vows on that wonderful day. There is so much in the future that can change but I need to take a grip of my future and make it how I want it and take my family forward to lead a happy future again. It can be done.

It is going to take courage to fight this but I am I control again and will stay in control!

I won’t give up and I won’t give in. There is always an answer to everything. Such an amazing statement from a man that went through so much. I will take that statement and make it my own.

Please continue to support me you are helping me with this road to recovery so much.

[Malkie1981]

Diary day

Yesterday was a day when things could of gone wrong for me in my recovery if I wasn’t committed to change. The Grand national was on and people were constantly talking about it and it was all over Facebook. These are challenges that I will face throughout the rest of my life. I took myself away from it and just thought about different things. It made me feel better about myself as well. Just before the race one of the lads in my room started to stream it so again I just took myself away and called my wife after she had offered me the support if I was struggling with the day. A familiar voice that I love made such a difference.

I am another day into my count of no gambling and I am so glad I have stopped. I feel stronger and better for it. I just need to work hard to repair all the damage I have caused.

No one is to blame for what happened except me and I have to live with that. It’s how I decide which way I live with it that’s is important. I can feel sorry for myself and not do anything and constantly look back at what I did or I look forward and stay positive and strong and say I beat this I recovered and I don’t look back. I will and must not ever forget what I have done though as this will help me make sure I never do it again. I know that I can and will beat this.

I am constantly looking online for information and story’s so I can kind of explain what happened and why I didn’t say anything and I know that is hurting my wife a lot. It wasn’t because I didn’t love her. It was a small problem to start and before I knew it I was out of control and none of it ever felt real. All the time I spent with my family was true and I wanted to be there. I picked the worst way I could to cope with the time I was spending away and like I said it was just small to start with a bit of a release and before I knew it I was chasing my losses.

I hate myself for what I have done and I am truly sorry.

I will also hate myself if I don’t do everything I can to fix it or at least try to fix it.

I love my family and you all so deary even if you can’t see that because of what I did that is true.

I always thought I could fix it.

I’m sorry

[Malkie1981]

Diary day 6

I can say that I am another day free from gambling and I have no urges or wants to ever go back to it. I want to be free from it for the rest of my life and I will.

I have a lot to make up for what I have done and I know that isn’t and won’t be easy to do. However it shouldn’t be easy either because of what has happened. I don’t expect anything to be a quick fix because it won’t. I will forever continue to try and put it right.

I spoke to my son yesterday and he gave me even more reasons to be positive and beat this. People are being so supportive and I can only continue to say thank you to you all and that I won’t let my wife and the kids down again.

I will protect my family from here on in and do what I should be doing. I will make sure I work extremely hard to give them my all and make things better. It isn’t going to be easy but I refuse to accept defeat with this. I want to prove that despite what I was doing my family did mean something to me. I was lost and I didn’t know what I was doing until it was too late.

I will continue to look forward and treat each day as if it’s my last. Nothing is impossible but it requires me to work hard and be that success story!! I have been a failed my family but with every breath I have left I will not fail again. I am the only one to blame and I am the only one that can make it better again.

I will be remembered as the man that made a difference again and my family will be proud of me again.

[Malkie1981]

Diary day 7.

I feel stronger towards defeating this addiction with every day that goes by. I know that it is only a short time since it came out about my gambling however I have stopped for longer. I stopped because I finally realised what I was doing was destroying me and breaking me. It wasn’t just hurting me but it was hurting my family too. This isn’t just about me, it’s about the people I love too. I wasn’t forced to stop by anyone else which is another reason why I will prove that I can beat this.

I believe that pain is temporary and it might last for a short time or a while, but while I work hard to prove that I am a better person the pain will slowly pass. The Pain will then have to be replaced by something and I hope that it is replaced by love. I will make sure I devote my time to my family and make them as happy as I  can.

I’m not a coward and I will show how brave I am and overcome this and I know that People will talk about me but I will take it all and hold my head high and prove why my family decided to stand by me and come to Cyprus with me.

Our future has a really good chance of being good again. But it needs me to work really hard at being a good husband and dad.

I will make a difference with the rest of my life

[Author]

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