[nicky1995]

Well after 30 days free of gambling, I busted on Thursday.  I just feel so down.  I have sabotaged myself.  Everything was going ok until I had to go to the Financial Advisor.  I had just received money and had it all planned out.  On the morning I felt overwelmed with all the debt I am in.  Then the compulsive thoughts kicked in and I went to and fro for hours.  I got a lift to my appointment and waited for the Advisor to come.  Time ticked on and the compulsions were strong.  There was a venue for gambling about two minutes walk away.  So I went, cancelled my appointment and lied to my parents about where I was.  I won then of course I lost on the poker machines.  I rang and asked an aunt to put money into my account, again I lied.  She put the money in but luckily (I did not think so at the time)  I did not have my bank card, it is with my mother.  So I went home.  I could not look at myself, could not come on here or even faced that I had gambled again.  The feelings that I had about recovery were gone.  Replaced by anxiety and despair once again.  I think that anxiety and despair is all I know and when faced with feeling good about myself and hope for the future, I do not know what to do.  I am so accostomed to the other.  Fighting each day to exist.  I am being careful now because I suffer badly with depression and have come on here to expose myself and face my actions.  It is easy to talk the talk but not walk the walk.  I have two appointments next week one with my psychologist and the other my doctor.  I shall hang on to those like it is a life jacket.

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