[akuma]

I am ruining everything. I dont know why. I cant stop. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am, I am doing more than great, I am only 24 and I just throw everything away to this bullshit. I dont know why I feel the need to do it. I guess that I’ve lost so much that I just try to “win it back” even though I know I won’t. I stop for some time, then the thought comes “Cmon now 30 bucks is nothing let’s have some “fun”. And I lose. And I have to win it back. Then win this back. Then win that back. And all of a sudden I’ve just spent my whole salary that I’ve worked my ass off to get, literally equivalent to just throwing the money out the window. WHY MAN, WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS I DONT UNDERSTAND MYSELF ANYMORE IM GOING NUTS OVER THIS. I CANT STOP MYSELF AND ITS MAKING ME HATE MYSELF AND EVERYTHING AROUND ME WHILE I HAVE A GREAT LIFE AND IVE WORKED SO HARD TO BUILD ALL THIS… WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS.. There’s no way I’m talking about this with my family, I’ve done more than enough to lose their trust already. My friends are not able to help me out, it’s pointless to share, no one will understand, because they’re not fucking dumb like me. I dont know what to do, this has gotten way out of hand. Dont know why I’m writing this either, I guess that someone might feel the same even though I doubt someone can throw so much away in such a short amount of time, for nothing. I will ready anything you guys say though, is there a way out, why am I doing this in the first place? Im losing my mind.

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