[healthyrisk]

So just reading my title. Did it stir up something inside you?
So the next night after I posted here, I gambled again. And I think I put something together. I thought about why I did it. And I realized that I couldn’t accept that I had lost again. I was ashamed and angry. That I had been up, twice in the same week, over $1100, and given it back. And I asked myself why I had done that. And it was b/c I’m always conscious of the fact that I have lost over $33K. In other words, in one form or another, I am ALWAYS chasing my losses. B/c I was feeling so bad about losing the money, that the only way that I could think to get it back, was to gamble more! B/c a few times, that had somewhat worked in the past, plus $5000 month, plus $6000 month.
But if the game is infinite, and I’m an addict, then the reality of “gambler’s ruin” will play out. And eventually, I will lose it all, plus more, etc. Actually there is no eventually, it is now more or less immediately!
So here was my moment of clarity, and forgive me if it is too obvious.
I am giving myself a pass. Now I realize that this may feel like heresy to many of my shame-based fellow addicts, especially the more hardcore GA members. Politely, I don’t really care. I AM FORGIVING MYSELF. I went home and shredded all my records. Yes I kept records. So I knew how much I had to win back. And yet nothing was ever going to give me back the countless hours, wasted. The precious time of my life gone.
I am saying to myself. I forgive you for losing all of that money. Your debt has been paid. You don’t need to pay, or chase anymore. I am forgiven. Self-forgiveness is a monumentally difficult thing for us addicts.
I am a very rigid person. This has a bit to do with a very restrictive upbringing, as well as some OCD issues. (Which is one reason why 12-meetings, and a certain strain of 12-step inhabitant cause me great problems. Because there is an overlap of some of my destructive internal tendencies. Rigid insistence on being right. Difficulty with complexity. Because this type of AA Nazi as we used to call them, or Bible thumper in religion, is more comfortable with a shame-based mode of being. You see these types in any meeting, seeking out newcomers and trying to assert some form of control, rather than attraction.)
Anyway, I digress. The point is that I am simply giving myself a break. Because if I don’t have to chase my losses, then the desire to gamble is lessened enormously. So what’s at the root of chasing our losses. I’ll speak for myself. Shame, frustration. B/c honestly, gambling hasn’t been fun in a long, long time. I lost a bunch of money. I don’t care anymore. I’m off the hook. Resume life.

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