[dixie47]

my name is Terri and I am a compulsive gambler , most of you know me from the other compulsive gambling site as Dixie Here I will be using the screen name of Dixie 47 … but when I say that I am a compulsive gambler I need to say my real name so that my mind will hear it … and remember it… I was not always a compulsive gambler . at one point in my life I was a “normal” gambler .. I could go and gamble (play bingo at the time ) and have fun and socialize with my mom and friends it was great , At some point in my life while I was a single mom with only two babies at that time …I gambled almost every payday and I would win sometimes doubling my pay check .. I would think what a blessing I would proudly put the monies in my pocket and know that because I had won that me and my babies would be okay until the next payday … Yes life did not seem that hard for me then, and gambling was a way to make my paycheck last a little longer …. I was married at the time but my husband a bad man .. hardly ever worked, most the time was never home .. and when he was he would find a reason to beat on me…. so that is why I thought of myself as a single mom at the time … after years of living that way I finally found the courage to leave him … And looking back now I think that I can see how the gambling was starting to become an escape for me as well .. Then by the time I was 31 yrs of age with a new husband and two more little ones … I really thought that life was good I was a stay at home mom with four kids and a good husband that worked everyday .. No need to gamble just to survive .. I could enjoy my gambling habits while my good husband watched over our two babies and my two older older kids as well .. and all he asked of me was to let him drink as much alcohol as he wanted … some how in my mind this was okay with me … Looking back now I realize that I was still in the escape mode .. but at the time I told my self { you only get out of the house maybe three nights a week , go a head you deserve it after all it is only bingo } but then one day I walked into a conventiont store and there was this machine there with all these furits and 8 s on it the man that ran this store said it was just like the furit machines at the casinos …. put your dollar in I will show you how to play ….. I had just went to the store for something little maybe a pack of cigs or something early in the morning and by the time I left it was dinner time …. I had offcialy became an compulvise gambler that day .. how do I know ? because for the next 4yrs i never left that store … the more my husband drank the more I went and played that game … I started stealing and lying and writing bad checks ..what ever it took to play that game I did it …. about 4 yrs in to it and no telling how many dollars later .. I finally told my good husband .. that this just was not working for me any more that there had to be more to life than him drinking and me putting all of his money into that darn fruit game….. He did not understand he just thought as long as I was happy that things were great…. but I was so unhappy I hated who I had become … I hated the fact that I needed to play that machine everyday…. at what ever cost …. so I left my husband and moved away from my mom and dad .. and every thing that I had ever really known as “normal” fresh start on life …. I was 34 by this time … I got a job and swore I would never let a fruit machine take over my life again …. by this time my high school sweetheart had came back into my life ..with an horrible drug addiction .. he had always been an drug addict as long as I could remember … when we had our first date after we had not seen each other for over 15 yrs he told me of his addiction …. and I told him about mine … was not the same addiction but was the same in our minds…. …. me and my high school sweetheart ended up getting married after 4 long yrs of fighting our addictions and giving into them as well … after we married I stopped gambling I had became gamble free and at this time and he was doing pretty good with his addiction ..no real bad drugs.. nothing that either one of us could not live with … life was good again … and another 4 yrs went bye … then one day out of the blue .. no other reason other than I thought that I was cured of my horrible addiction .. thought I could handle one little lotto ticket after all it was not that darn fruit machine …. so I bought that one dollar lotto ticket and yes I won one hundred dollars on one dollar … wow how good I felt how deserving I felt .. well in my compulsive gambling mind anyway … and then before I knew what had hit me there I was in front of that darn machine again …. putting more monies in it than ever before …because you see at this time I had more monies I also had more to lose than money…. I had myself to lose…. here I was caught back in this horrible addiction stealing… lying … anything it took to play that stupid game and now these gambling machines were in just about every little store on every corner … after five very long yrs of being back in action…. I was just about to lose every thing up to and including my life .. yes I thought about just ending it all a few times .. just to make the madness STOP! I once again moved away from every thing and everyone except for my husband and my two youngest kids and I brought them with me … I am so grateful that they would even come with me I was in a very bad place in my life .. so I picked up the phone and made the call to the GA hotline and this guy on the phone was telling me every thing I want to say but could not get the words out because of the tears … at last I had someone that knew just how I felt inside and better yet he knew a way to make the madness stop without ending my life .. in fact he knew of away that I might be able to live a better life … it was called (recovery) that was on july the 30th of 2010 the last day I placed a bet was just 2 days before I made that call… today I have found away to live without a bet in my life ..no it was not easy .. no I don’t know if it will ever be easy … and yes I still have bad days with urges…. all that I do know is today I am not stealing and I am not the lire I was … today I love who I am ……. you out there that are still struggling with this addiction if I can find my way back to me … then I truly believe any of you can find your true self back as well …. thanks for listening..
Dixie47

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