[roddy]

hi i have been a compulsive gambler since i was 15 years of age i am now 32

i have been aware i am compulsive gambler for most of that time

i just have not been able to quit

i started gambling when i used to go to the bookmakers with my uncle and wait out side for him that was my introduction to gambling in fact gambling was common place in my family environment

i have to admit i was a problem child i did not really fit in at school and as a consequence i got the absolute crXXp kicked out of me on a daily basis

my family had very Little money when i was growing up so money was always a huge issue to me we were poor my mother reminded us of that on a daily basis she used to tell me that when i grew up i was going to get rich and then i could look after her when she was old

so i started gambling because i didn’t have money since then gambling has become the tool i use to stay that poor person who is in a continuous crisis because he has no money or and is unable to look after himself

as i have stated already I’ve have been aware of my problem for some time i have consistently struggled with it for 15 years

as a result i have no respect for my self as i have broken every promise i have made to my self and others for 15 years

the worst thing is i actually don’t trust any person i come across as a result.
 
as a compulsive gambler i am of course a master manipulator and people reader which is a huge problem when it comes to making new Friends because i sense peoples emotions too much and have become something of a hermit because i know that any one i get involved with will suffer the consequences of my gambling

in my head i used to think of my self as a nice guy but when i look at my actions over the last years i am not

i do not currently have the ability to see value in anything i am unable to enjoy any moment or situation because i am in constant Battle with the consequences of my addiction

i live one hundred percent in my head and am totally detached from reality and society,,, although i have always been aware on my addiction the last two years have been drastic

my mother died about two years ago before that i used to be able the contain my activities enough to survive,, that means paying rent and buying food

Since then my addiction has changed from a powerful mental addiction to a physical addiction if i have one Penny in my hand i have to put it in the machines i have basically gambled every pay packet for the last 18 months on the day i received it and we are talking two grand plus a month

on several occasions over the last year i have spent several days in the bath tub with a razor blade trying to build up the courage to top myself the only reason it didn’t happen was because being a coward i was sacred of the pain and how it would make other people feel

i am a fake person nothing about me is real for example i don’t have showers or clean my house because i want to be clean i would only have a shower if i knew i was going to have to spend time with some one so that they would think i was normal  but if i am alone i could go any thing from 4 to 6 weeks with out a shower the same with house cleaning

my understanding is that normal people have showers because they like being clean i have never felt like that or understood that

i have now got to the point that i don’t think i can be helped and have also began to realize that i don’t have an understanding of how every day people feel so i don’t really know how to become one i know how to pretend to be one so it looks good but actually being one,, or being anything for real is something i don’t know if i am capable of as i have never experienced such a thing

Ive been pretending for my hole life!

as such i don’t truly believe in anything

so today i sit here homeless for the second time in my life due to gambling i want to change i want to stop but i don’t know how to with out pretending!

OK thanks for reading

[Author]

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