[mg81]

Hi Everyone.

I can’t really believe I’m here, but yes, it’s true, that is a fact that I have to face – I’m a compulsive gambler…I thought I was better or stronger. I thought I have control of what is going on inside me…but even just 3 hours ago I was stuffing $ into slot machines, hoping to break the bank…
In the past month my gambling has gotten progressively worse. I always considered myself a “casual” player. I would walk in with my limit for that night, if I won I would cash out and always just return what my limit was. If I zero’d out with that then I would walk away…
In the past 2 months a loneliness and depression has settled on me and it has manifested itself in gambling addiction.
My husband is away for extended periods of time and when my child is with his father I felt the need to seek out crowds – unfortunately the place with crowds closest to me is the casino – literally 2 bus stops away.
I walked in one afternoon, thinking I’d play a few bucks. I hit ok ($150-200)…then tried a week later again…broke even.
I had to spend my birthday all alone (no hubs, no child around) and thought I’d try my luck. I hit big compared to how much I usually win (won$1250+500). I sat on the large ticket for a few days and figured I’ll go back to cash it. The night I walked in to do so, one thought kept drumming in my head “can you make lightening strike twice?”. I cashed it and on my way out I stopped here and there and two hours later I was grasping at my empty wallet. I literally have no fluid memory of where it all went. All I remember is the panic that set in, getting off the bus, rushing home and falling into bed…I felt sick to my stomach for a week. Kept telling myself how I should forgive myself for this mistake and it won’t happen again….
I went a week later, in hopes of winning back some of what i had lost – stupid me! Of course at that time I didn’t think how I have to feed the monster fresh currency!!! I lost $400 that night within 3 hours…then I withdrew from my checking another $160 in 3 smaller installments (the atm had a 5$ fee every time plus my bank tacked on some more dollars!) And I just did not get it.
Lost all. Then again that week, another trip…about $500 lost, and on top of that the cash advance fee on my credit card and the atm and bank fees…then just yesterday, another trip. I want to cry – lost $300 within an hour on slots. Then ran home, grabbed my emergency cash $200, caught the bus back and was home within 45 min door-to-door after suffering that loss. (today i had someone try and deposit a $25 check I wrote a while ago and thought they already cashed it…the check bounced and I got hit with a $35 fee! All because of my cash withdrawls and I haven’t gotten checks in yet….
Which led me to tonight. Walked in with $520. Came home with $100 – and that after literally forcing myself to walk out; all the other nights that I lost I walked out without a red cent in my wallet.
First machine I sat down to tonight spit out $320, I should have grabbed that ticket and walked out happily but I couldn’t…I ended up walking around from machine to machine, an ever growing sense of dread and panic, just feeding $ to the machines and waiting for a big win. Of course it never happened…
It’s like when I walk in there’s something guiding me, I can not get up, walk away, quit. I know the place is designed for just that. The lights, the sounds, the fact that you are set up to lose! …I can’t go back there anymore. I feel so low right now. I’ve been depressed because of my weight (2 abdominal/vaginal operations in the past year made me sedentary and gain 35-40 lbs after having been fit and active. Marital problems – I can’t admit my gambling to my husband, he thinks I’m a constant winner and I’ve kept my losing trips deeply concealed. Family strife with my siblings has been on the menu lately.

I need help. I need motivation. I keep telling myself “please just stop, you have a good life, you’ll lose everything if you continue like this”. I try and forgive myself. But I know I need help. Every friggin’ bet/hit I stare at the machine and can feel my chest thumping “this is it, now it’ll give you the big win”. This is no way to live. This is false hope. The promise of easy $. The “please buy me a burger and I will gladly pay you back next Tuesday” for adults. I don’t feel like an adult, I feel like a gullible child who has been taken, multiple times even. Each time it just gets worse…
I know there are others here who’ve lost literally everything, my loss is just peanuts compared to having to file for bankruptcy. But please, send me a few kind words or guidance.

Thank you

[i-did-it]

Hi Mg,
Welcome to the site and well done on recognising that you have a gambling addiction . I think it would be a good idea for you to leave your money at home and walk to the casino and ask them to ban you . It will be a little embarrassing but it will also mean that you cannot go there so conveniently .
The second thing is maybe you should have someone else control your access to cash for the inmediate future .
Finally is there a branch of AA near you where u could go for support .

It is a horrible addiction which leave us feeling very depressed but taking action sooner rather than later can save you a lot of pain. Keep posting and also maybe you could visit some of the groups on here .hope this helps

[mg81]

Thanks I-did-it, I’ve thought myself of self-banning. It was in my head even last night. I think that will be the way to go. at this point i don’t think i have another option because I’m so close to the place. As for the $, i can’t have anyone else control them. My husband is in debt (i have maybe just 1k on my credit card, nothing else), and really have no one to give it to.
I’ll self-ban tonight and let you know how it goes.
What are the groups?
Thank you.

[mg81]

I’ve been reading story after story on the forum btw. I feel sad and sort of shocked that there are so many of us out there…and at the same time hopeful that I’ll be able to kick this monster square in the teeth like others have. Thank you all for sharing your experiences on here.
Admission time: right after saying this morning that i will self ban this evening after work, on my way yo my bus my first thought was: “but really, you should just try your luck one last time”. At this point I’m scared to even go in there but i feel like i have no other choice at this point…i need the $ in my account more than the envious looks of people sitting next to me and feeling them salivate when the machine kicks the music on and the credits start rolling

[i-did-it]

Rem to bring no money – not even a fiver to try just in case !!
Hope it goes well!

[mg81]

Thank you. Yes, no $$ taken with me for sure….good luck to me and us all. Tonight is the night – to get banned

[velvet]

Hello Mg and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[mg81]

Thank you, Velvet!!

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