[kathryn]

Ok, so its a movie title.

But I feel like its me.

Such a huge part of my life dedicated to gambling.

I missed so much, heard so little, saw nothing in that time.

A chunk of my life I can never get back.

I can, however make the most of my life now. And that is exactly what I am going to do……..

It may be totally boring to some.

It is something I longed for during my action days. That feeling of normalcy. That feeling of calm. I yearned for it. And now, I have it. (mostly)

Life sure isn’t perfect. Its nothing like I thought it would be once I stopped gambling. Its been hard to deal with at times. I have worked so hard to change. Everyone else remains the same. People aren’t who I thought they were once I stopped gambling.

In truth, they were always themselves, it was me that changed. ME!!!!

Its been over 7 years since I found this site. I took every single word of advice, pretty much followed them to the letter, I was so desperate to stop. It has worked so far. (well, there was that one time…….)

I am excluded still, and will be until the day I die. I still have thoughts, but not the painful desire I used to have, that would send me running to the venue and spend every cent I had.

I am grateful.

So, this is my now thread, this is my new place to share my news, whatever that may be. The next chapter.

Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[charles]

Well done on starting a new thread Kathryn, I like the send off you gave to your previous one.
Maybe think of it as Girl, Restarted 🙂 Hope to see you in a group again soon. Keep posting.

[Pea]

Hey great idea on the new thread, new thread for a new life and you are a new woman. You’ve done so so well and I hope you realise what a huge thing it is to achieve recovery. I admire you for it and anyone who strives for recovery. You’ve done it K and you are an inspiration for others here. Never give it up..

Pea

[kathryn]

Pea and Charles, thanks for your posts, Charles, I think I like the name of my thread better!!!!!
So its my day off today. As I work very long hours I only work 4 days instead of 5.
Back in my action days I would have relished in this free time. Straight to a venue.
I’m happy to say, that wasn’t my day today.
Instead I went for a little shop to Kmart with my best friend. We wandered the aisles for hours, I bought a few things for myself and a few things for the kids. It was lovely.
Afterwards Jode and I went for lunch, delish!!! A day off well spent I say!!!!! I have an hour before I pick up Harry from school, aside from a little washing I’m going to make a coffee and relax.

I’m heading over to perth in a week or so. My sisters sons wedding. 5 days, no kids, no responsibilities…..bliss!!!!! I cant wait to see my sister, I haven’t seen her since November last year so it will be great to catch up. We have hired a car so we can zoom around and have a look at the place. The wedding itself is on a big property about 3 hours from perth. We are camping there for 2 nights so that should be interesting.

So that’s about me for now.
I’m off to make that coffee.
Have a good day everyone!!!
Love K xxxxx

[vera]

Congrats. on your new thread, Kathryn and thanks for your posts to mine.
Watching your mother “slipping away” is heart breaking. I worked in Dementia Care and I always thought it was harder on the relatives than the patients. More difficult again, when it was a spouse. I saw lots of worn out elderly men/women who finally gave up trying to care for their spouses at home and it sure took it’s toll on them. It would be my greatest dread. The standard of care has a lot to do with it though. If you can walk out happy after a visit, knowing that your loved one is in safe hands, it a bonus. Is there any solution to this condition? Any better way to deliver care in the community? Any better support systems for families? I think it’s an issue that needs worldwide addressment. I know there are lots of studies being carried out but we may not see changes for years to come.
There are things in Life, that are worse than death!
In the meantime, Kathryn, focussing on your own family, spending time with friends, living a “normal” life and not gambling are the best that you can do, and you seem to be doing well on that score.
LIFE IS A MYSTERY!

[kathryn]

Thanks Vera,

I dropped the boys off this morning to the movies. They are going to catch the bus home, when they are getting along its just beautiful to watch. Mind you, they get along most of the time but sometimes they love each other so much its just a joy!!!!
I dropped them off and went into the shopping centre and got myself a lovely top to wear to my wedding in a couple of weeks. It was only $10 which is even better!!!!
I’m having a very quiet weekend. Dames is working today and I think I’m going to do a bit of cooking. I’m not very good at it and I don’t really enjoy it but ill do it anyway!!!
Not much else to report I’m afraid. I’m only working 2 days next week and although I love having the time off and have filled the 3 days to the brim with appointments, lunch dates and dinner dates, I do miss the money on pay day. When the doctors are away there’s not much I can do except make the most of it.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn, thank you for your post on my thread. I like your thread too. I love to bag a bargain so your top sounds great . I love that feeling of normality too. I loved how you signed off your old thread. I tended to always sign mine of in a huff lol

Being gamble free is amazing and I love how you are really LIVING a gamble free life

[kathryn]

Hiya!
So, ive been away, to the other side of the country for a wedding, my nephews wedding. I have never been to Perth before, it is so much like where I live it was uncanny!!

The wedding was AMAZING!!! I could go on and on but ill just say that we had a brilliant time, flew in this morning, walked through the door at 2am, needless to say I’m a bit weary!

It was great catching up with my sister and her family, it has been 9 months since I have seen her, so we made the most of it.

Back to work tomorrow, it almost feels like it never happened at all, thank goodness for photos!!!!

I am not excluded in Perth, and I didn’t think of gambling until I came home and realised I could have done it any time I want. Its nice to know that those nagging thoughts didn’t enter my mind. Being super busy was helpful!!!

Anyway, just thought id check in, ill have a quick read before bed.

Take care my friends,

K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, Glad that you had a great time at the wedding and with your Sister! And that you didn’t think of gambling. Have a great day!

[Pea]

The wedding sounded fun. Im such a hermit lol.
Good to see you were not tempted and i am so glad it didnt even cross your mind how good a sign is that that your recovery is strong.

Pea

[kathryn]

Thanks Lisbeth and Pea for your posts.
Ive been busy working. Not a lot of time for anything else. Time seems to move so quickly these days.
We have had an unusually large amount of rain here the last few weeks.
It hasn’t motivated me to do anything!!!
My days off are spent keeping up with the house and preparing for the following week.
I have started my New York account with Jode. We are putting a small amount into it every week. Small steps. The dates are set so now its just a matter of waiting until we have enough deposit to book.
Apart from that it is a quiet life. I am waiting for daylight saving to start again so that I can go for my walks. Ive missed them, its a great way to spend time with my bestie and vent out the day.
Well, theres washing to be done! ( always!!!!)
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Hi all,
I’m feeling pretty sad today, its a long story, but it has left me feeling unwanted and unloved. Dames has been great, very supportive.
Perhaps I don’t give that man enough credit, I don’t lean on him enough, sure he drives me mad, but I’m sure I drive him mad too.
He has understood, let me cry, be angry. In the grand scheme of life its not a major incident, but I’m hurt and I feel like some things aren’t going to be the same anymore.
Upside…..we have just completed our tax return and are actually receiving some money this year (not a lot), but…..
my gambling caused us to be tens of thousands of dollars in debt. It took us 5 years to pay it off and it is soooo lovely to be receiving some money from them instead of giving. That put a smile on my face today!!!
The silver lining, its always there, somewhere!!!!
Ive been fighting a pretty strong headache today, I think from the stress ive been feeling. I think a lovely cup of tea and an early night is in order.
I hope you are all well and happy,
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Katherine , im sorry to hear you are upset but I know only too well that upset is easier to deal with when our minds are not frantic trying to survive after gambling .
Life has really fallen into place for you and I love the Positive vibe of your thread .
Hope the tea and early night helps!
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Hi K, I hope that your headache is gone. Sorry that you are feeling sad but the great news is that you don’t have gambling in your life. Your post gives me hope that one day I will be out of debt also! Have a great day!

[Pea]

Im so sorry to hear of your sadness.. i hope that whatever it is it gets sorted out soon.. you are a good person it has always shone through in your posts and everyone here will know that. Whatever it is know that nothing is permanent and things are temporary, there is always a solution somewhere.. the serenity prayer is good in times of trouble i find.. i say it a lot!!

Pea

[vera]

“things aren’t going to be the same anymore”…I know that feeling Kathryn and it’s often true. Sometimes we can’t undo situations. We just have to learn to adapt. I hope whatever caused your sadness, headache and stress has subsided and that you find a way to cope. Having a supportive husband is a help. Be grateful for that. As you know, I felt let down in many areas of my life but what do you know, things have changed of late. Maybe I have changed! He was always there on a practical level. I accept now that this is as far as our relationship will ever go. Some people just can’t support us emotionally and psychologically . I guess your husband is a bit like that too. Actions speak louder than words Kathryn. If we get the “hurdle” help when we need it, that is something to be grateful for.
Glad to hear the Revenue are giving instead of taking this time.
Life goes on. Everything changes. Thanks for posting to my thread.

[maverick.]

Kathryn I hope this finds you well, sorry to hear you have been feeling down and I hope just for today you are feeling a little better. Life can be very tough at times but as we both well know when we choose to gamble it just becomes unmanagable, great news on the tax front……it may not be alot but at least it is money going in the right direction, hope you managed to shake off that headache at it is amazing how stress can effect us.

Always good to read you posts and follow your support, look after yourself and take care.

Maverick

[kathryn]

Hi Everyone,
Its been a few weeks, wow that’s flown by!
I’m feeling much better, I have a hard time finding my own happiness, I tend to rely too much on others for it and then end up disappointed…..so in terms of my last post I have settled and realised (again) that I can only control me.

So life is pretty good, the 4 of us went away camping last weekend, it was lovely, the weather here has been atrocious, raining non stop, floods, wind that would knock you over but we were blessed with lovely sunny days that I spent reading and watching the flow of the river……divine!

I am saving hard for my trip next year, its a driving force that makes me feel somewhat ill every time I think of it. This trip to New York is something I have only ever dreamed of doing, 10 glorious days there, followed by 4 or so nights in New Orleans with my very best friend. Never could I have imagined in my action days that I would be planning this trip. I cant quite believe it happening, I have been googling like a crazy woman trying to find accommodation, New York is certainly not cheap!!!!
So we are planning to book around the start of next month, we can pay off the flights which is great and relieves a lot of pressure only having to find little amounts each week as opposed to one big lump sum!
Work has been a bit quiet at the moment, doctors are away so there’s no work for the nurses. I thought I only had 7 shifts for the whole month, thankfully I’ve ended up only losing a few and Dames’ work is picking up well so that’s less pressure on us, we usually only tend to fight over money and its a pretty harmonious household when the bills are being paid!!!
I have today off and am going to get my grey hair fixed, or at least covered! Daylight savings has started here which I absolutely love, its not getting dark until well after 8pm meaning I can get a lot done in the evenings. Jode and I are starting up our walking again, we have been very lazy over winter, so time to get moving once more. I look forward to the walks, its a great chance to vent, have a laugh and work off some energy (and calories!) all at once. Although I have a feeling we are going to be very sad and sorry tomorrow when we wake up.
Well, I guess that’s all for now. Its almost time to go get the hair do!!!!!
Have a great week my lovely friends,
Love K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Hey K, Glad to hear things are going well for you. Your camping trip sounded like fun. Your future trip to New York sounds awesome! I have struggled with finding my happiness sometimes also. I seem to place my happiness in others hands instead of putting in my hands where it belongs. Live and learn! Have a great week yourself . Take care.

[vera]

New York is on my Bucket List too, Kathryn…….

[kathryn]

Hi folks,
So much has been happening, the build up to Christmas is insane as we all know.
So heres my update.
Work, well, its work, but the next few weeks are pretty horrific. We are closed for 2.5 weeks over Christmas which I love, and have planned a camping trip…..Christmas on the river, Brea and Cam are coming as well as our brother and sister in law and whoever else wants to rock up! I’m so looking forward to it, I need this break and we always have a wonderful time.
There is however, so much to organise before we leave and I always seem to procrastinate (out of sheer panic I’m sure!)
My youngest, Harry is starting high school next year, and the cost is phenomenal. Its a state school, and I cant quite believe what I have to pay. I am heading over there this morning to make arrangements for that so hopefully we can come to a mutual agreement as Dames work is still not solid but we are doing ok!
Christmas has always been a time for me to reflect on what is, what was and hopefully what will be. The years of no money, gambling escalating out of panic and worry, the barest of presents for the kids, and everyone else. What a terrible time it was.
Its a relief to know that my shopping is done, there is money away for our trip the bills will be paid and I can truly enjoy a relaxing holiday.
My last and absolute best news I have saved for last. As you know my daughter was married 2 years ago. She is now going to be a mother!!!!! I cant believe I’m going to be a Granny!!!!! I have been already buying things online like a crazy woman, I am so so so so so excited I can hardly contain myself. Her due date is 14th June, 2017. What a blessing!!!!! That baby is not going to know what hit it when it arrives, lol.
So, in ending, life is pretty good, Lots to look forward to, lots of reasons to keep my resolve, to stay strong and fight for this life that I am finally starting to truly enjoy.
I wish you all a happy holiday season.
Merry Christmas my friends.
Love K xxxxx

[vera]

WOW!, Kathryn!
What a Christmas gift! News of a new baby on the way!
You will be the youngest granny in the world.
I don’t feel as if it’s Christmas yet.
I think it doesn’t start for me until the second week in December, although I have done a bit of shopping and made 4 Christmas cakes and three puddings.
I can’t imagine Christmas on the river, camping.
In Ireland we think of heat and indoor comforts and food (although the weather has been very mild the last few days-13 degrees)
It will be wonderful to be with your family for the Christmas holiday and being off work makes such a difference. I hear you on the skimping and panic that we all experienced in the past. I always BORROWED on the double to make sure I would get the presents etc to make everything appear normal but of course I would lose at least half of what I borrowed…then real panic would set in.
Thank God those days are over, Kathryn.
A Christmas free from self destruction is the best present we can give ourselves.
Imagine your baby is going to be a mother!
The best reason you ever had to kiss gambling goodbye, forever. X

[icandothis]

Hi Kathryn, I don’t know if you remember me, but I just wanted to say congratulations. You stuck up for me on this site a long time ago. I never forgot it, and it meant a lot to me.
It’s the little things in life that make the greatest impact. You will be a wonderful grandmother!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kathryn, Congrats on a new grandchild. My Granddaughter will be born in April. So excited also! Have fun on your camping trip. Have a Merry Christmas!

[p]

I am so happy to hear you are going to be a grandma.. how exciting for you and your family.. im so pleased.. i miss the days of chat.. im still in chat groups i just dont want a thread here anymore

P

[kathryn]

Hi!
So I just booked my flights to New York and New Orleans. It was the most stressful couple of hours ever…….no accommodation yet, waiting for specials, if there are any!!!
I feel like I have finally truly started to live. Not just because of the trip, my children are so happy, all of them, and of course the baby. I feel so absolutely blessed, that finally, while it will never be gone (always on guard of course), I have left that part of me behind and truly moved forward with my life. Hey, I know that I could relapse at any time…..this feeling of pure joy I am feeling in my heart right now is all I need to shake off that gambling voice whispering in my ear (yes, the monster rears on occasion)
I am happy.
What an amazing feeling.
Something I thought I would never have.
7 1/2 years clean (almost)
I know what can happen. I will do everything I can to ensure it never happens to me again.
Love to you all, thank you so much for all your lovely replies.
Take care, K xxxxxx

[Author]

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