[stephenm]

Hi. I have lived a long life of gambling. I started gambling at the age 16. I’m 45 years old and have being gambling ever since. My family have helped me out during my years of gambling 

but i have always gone back gambling.My savings gone and i have huge big debts. Every month my wages gone,asking for loans etc.My family had to help me out several times. This month has being the hardest for me because i have gambled away my wages,borrowed money from work

and friends.Sold my sons ps4 etc. I’m already in financial difficulty. My mother passed way due to cancer IN FEB JUST GONE.Two years she tried to fight cancer. My father needs my support and i cant even give him support. its sad. 

A father and mother gave everything to help their  sons addiction and i cant even give something back to help my father.I have a young son and I only see my son a few times a week but latley I havent seen him. I have let 

ganbling take over. I know if i keep gambling i will end up dead or in prison. I know i will never win the money back. I’m on holidays for a week. I only 230 euro left for the month that i borrowed. 

Work gave me 300 euro. I gambled 50 euro last night out of the 300. I gambled 800 euro out of wages. 300 euro i borrowed from my father i gambled I sold sons ps4 and gambled the 200 euro.This is not life.

I dont have any money for anything…………….I feel worthless…….I dont want to end up in prison or on the streets or even dead….I need help…..

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen
Well done on seeking help.
Have you considered getting residential help – if you check this site there is a residential at Gordon Moody which could’ve just what you need to press reset .
It is difficult for you right now while grieving your mother but gambling only makes things worse.

It there anyone who could handle your remaining cash -no money means no gambling.

Keep posting -you can recover from this.

[finding_laura]

Hi Stephen. You were able to say the problem straight out. You are addicted to gambling. Your behaviour is that of an addict. Gambling is a terrible addiction as we can hide it for so long. We get up and go to work and no one smells last nights gambling on us. Other than our moods maybe. I think IDI has some good advice for you. In the mean time it sounds like you have hit bottom and had a good look at where the next stop is. This will keep going and end in jail or death. You will leave your son without his father. Where you are now sucks. But you can still live a good life. One year from now could bring change you can’t imagine. And your son deserves to have THAT person in his life. Take a snapshot of where you are now. Your post above summarized it pretty good. And know, you can go up from here. A long long way up. And it is up to you to want it and to go after it.
When I hit my rock rock bottom, cause I had a few thumpers on the way down, I decided I didn’t want to be someone who wastes and wasted their life shoving her hard earned money into a machine for the rest of my life. I had almost completely destroyed my family relationships. We were going to lose our home and everything basically. So what I did was turn over all control of my money. I lived on a small allowance. I started gambling addictions counseling. I attended regular meetings at my local Gamblers Anonymous. I told my family members abut my problems. And if you can’t tell your dad I understand. So then you figure out other ways to stop yourself. You put as much effort into not gambling as you did into gambling. Ban from local casinos and bookies. If in the UK register for GAMSTOP. Ask work to stop advancing you money. Whatever the reason you give. Install gambling blockers on your devices. Anything that helps you to stop and look at the snap shop you posted above. Play the tape to the end. With you selling your son’s PS4. Look at the first post on my thread. Talk to your doctor for any support he can give you. And please keep posting. Being around people in recovery can rub off. It did on me. It can on you too. Take care,
Laura

[J1dawgg]

That’s hard to read mate. I’m in a bad situation but I’m lucky in it’s mostly me it’s hurting. You sound like if you could slow down or stop your gambling you would bounce back. You have a good family. If you can go gamblers anonymous you should go. I’ve heard for some thats life changing.

[stephenm]

Hi. I hope your well. No I havent seeked residential help. My partner lives with me but had enough of my gambling and wont take control of my money. I will keep posting until i can fight this. Thanks 

[stephenm]

Yeap. Hurting everyone around me. I have gone to GA Meetings over the years but i have never really being there. I mean my head wasnt there. I dont think i really wanted to let go for some reason. I had enough after gambling my lost 230 yesturday. Maybe having nothing will give some time to think and stay away from gambling. I have just posted what i did yesturday. Thanks again for your support. Please dont end up like me…..Mate…dont hurt yourself thats how it all starts…I feel worthless and very down….I feel im not god enough…I need help with this also……Your not lucky if you are hurting yourself. Hurting yourself is the worst thing you can do…

[stephenm]

Laura. Thanks for your post. It means alot to me. Im just feel totally broken at the moment. I will read your first posts I promise. 

[stephenm]

Hi. I think they only work through the uk. I live in Ireland. Thank you for  trying to help me. My mother tried to help me even before his past away. My problem with gambling has gone on for years and to be truthful the passsing of mother should have made me stronger. Stonger by staying way from gambling.That was my mother wishes but i didnt have the will power to do it. I’m tried of it all. Im tried of the worry, shame,lies and having no money…….I know if i gamble again ill end with no home,job, etc  Today im so down because i cant even buy milk…….My brother phoned and i couldnt even speak to him…He kept asking me whats up…What did i say…Im ok..just down…He said hell phone me back tonight. I look out my window and everybody seems to be living normally. I need to stop gambling i know this but how to get through the next weeks is going to be very hard. Its my own fault i Know. Thanks for reading. Talk soon

[charles]

OHi Stephen, well done on looking for help.

So, I am assuming you do want to let go of gambling this time? If so maybe try GA again, you might be ready for it now.

Your brother could help with accountability, with internet banking we can be accountable to someone even if we don’t leve in the same area.

Where do you normally gamble? Get yourself banned.

You are on holiday for a week – plan that week. Fill your time and thoughts with thigns away from gambling. Only carry the money you need on a daily basis.

Keep posting.

[stephenm]

I can go for walks etc. Thats all I can do at the moment. I dont have any money for anything else.I understand that my time needs to be filled. I fully understand where you are coming from.I do need to take my mind of thinking about gambling. I cant stop thinking of how im going to get in and out of work with no money. How i can buy food until the 25 of this month.To be honest i  cant stop thinking about what ive done. I really do need to stop. Needing to stop and wanting to stop or two different things.This time i want to stop.I will try 100 per cent. My debts will always be there until im able to work on them. The first thing i need to do is to stop gambling. You are right I know i cant carry money. Its something i need to work at or with someone.My partner wont. Before my mother passed away she tryed to help me with this but i got aggressive in my behaviour – it was wrong. In the middle of addiction and couldnt think.My mother had cancer. she was fighting her own battle but still had time for me. What human being would do that…I did…it hurts. Maybe this is the wake up call what has happened to me this week or im very burnt out with gambling…..just to let you know i get a self exclusion form filled out a year ago in paddy power and they stilll let gamble in there shops for the year. On friday night when i lost my lost  230 euro a girl in paddy power told me she couldnt serve me. I asked why of course and she said i had filled out a self exclusion form. I said i filled the form out a year ago and why have paddy power  let me gamble in here for the past two weeks and in a different shop for nearly one year since i filled out the form. She told me to contact there head office. so I did  today. I spoke to regional branch manager and explained what happened. He asked me what do i want from this…..What a question …I wanted not to be let in or to loss my money. I told him i wanted some money back to start fresh.He said hell speak to the people where i gambled and get back to me. Thats my true story of getting yourself an Self Excluded from a bookies…Will talk soon. Thanks for nice comments and support. 

[Monica1]

I was also in the same position as you. Destitute with a home repossession order, jobless, suicidal and Ill because of the damage gambling had done, every last penny went on it. It was hard but I am now 11 months in recovery. The fallout lasts a long time, and there are still massive debt issues to confront but I have just been on holiday and my health is improving. I have also just finished the gma programme. There are good days still to be had. Gambling will take everything from us, everything. I had to rely on others for food right at the start. Get support. GA were helpful at the beginning and paid my fares to get there, that’s how bad it was. There is a way out of this though and life can get better.

[stephenm]

Hi Monica, Well done. You have done brilliant in the last 11 months.. I hope you had a great time on your holidays. For the amount of work you put in you deserved it. Monica, I’m really in a bad place at the moment. I know it will take a lot of time and effort. Some one once told me- the way out is always the hardest road but the most rewarding- Your right Monica in your comments….I need to fight every inch of the way to get out of this dark hole…..

[Monica1]

Hi, it is so important to get support Stephen and the phrase one day at a time is so apt. For me things were awful for a long while, around 9 months but gradually life shifted. The holiday wasn’t great incidentally.
Let the losses go, accept that we can never win because of how compulsive this is and understand why we have become addicted is the key. This is an emotional addiction. There are reasons we escape through gambling. Good luck and keep posting. It helps a lot.

[K-Man]

Stephen, I hope what I’m about to say will offer you some comfort. You’re not alone. The pain that both you and I are experiencing now is the first step to recovery. Stay focussed on your goal. That goal is to never gamble again. Let’s do it one day at a time. Thanks for your post. It made me realise a ton of things. Stay positive. Know that you’ve made a difference in someone’s life (mine and many others here) by sharing your story, even when you’re at your lowest. Like I said in my thread, I will keep you in my prayers.

[finding_laura]

Glad to see you made it through another day. The beginning of recovery can be a very painful time where each breath feels as though it is covered in sharp edges and I know I wanted darkness and oblivion. No more pain. You and I had talked in another post about why your GF didn’t want to take over finances and I see you probably answered the why in your post about your mother. She probably didn’t want to stand between you and an addiction you weren’t ready to give up yet. As Charles suggests perhaps your brother could take care of your finances and help keep you safe. But in the end that is only a tool that you can use. The actual recovery is up to the person using a tool. Please reach out to any support system you can find in your location. More tools in your tool box. One on one addictions counseling can be very helpful. Talk to your doc about the desparate place you find yourself and that you are ready to make a change and that you need support! Please hang in there Stephen. Just a little change can lead to big changes. Praying for you.
Laura

[stephenm]

Hi Laura. good to hear from you. Hope your good. Ill talk soon in a bad place today

[Monica1]

Let us know how u r feeling, if you are able to. I was in such a bad place when I stopped gambling and it helps to share it cos we have all been there. Much love to you.

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen ,
This is my third time attempting this post – it keeps disappearing. .
Firstly I am Irish too so I know how impossible it is to self ban there ! I know that gambling is really poorly regulated .

I understand that you and your brother are grieving your mum but I think you could work together to achieve her dying wish – to see you stop gambling .

Open up to your brother , ask him to take full control of your money . He might be able to help you get a loan so you can press reset on your debts. There are many way around this – you will be helping your brother with his grief also.

Also I think you should consider residential at the following

http://www.aiseiri.ie/treatment/admission

You can pay off the fees over a long time if you need to – this is a non- profit organisation.

You can beat this Stephen- and the time to do it is now .

I know how close Irish families are (even when we fall out). We would move mountains for each other- talk to your brother .

[stephenm]

Hi Moncia. I just feel ashamed and worthless today. Just thinking of the past and it hurts so bad.Started crying once or Twice. I’ll be ok. Just in a very bad place today. Just going for a walk. Talk soon xxx

[stephenm]

Hi. Thanks so much for the post. Just going for a walk. Will post later.

[Monica1]

Hi Stephen, it is very normal to feel this way. Crying is ok and completely, normal. I was like this for a while but went to my gp eventually. It helped to tell a professional although I went without the antidepressants. There is also nothing to be ashamed about. None of us asked for this addiction, we just ended up and got caught by it. But we are not defined by it. When I say I lost six figures over five years I am not joking, I played to destitution. But I am alive and ok, I have friends on here who have supported and helped me. If you are able to join the groups where we often are on at the 10pm or 11pm ones. Go to charles facilitated groups for new members, next on Thursday. Take all the help that is there as we need the support. There are two things we need to accept. The first is that the money is gone, and the second is that we cannot gamble. It is a beast that will destroy us. When we accept that we can begin the process of recovery which is not easy but so worth it. I am praying for you.

[stephenm]

Hi. I know its late but i wanted to reply to your post. With all my heart thanks for attempting to post me 3 times. This time last year i ended up in Cuan Mhuaire treatment centre in Athy. My mother and father was so proud of me for going into a treatment centre.At this stage my family.partner or people who supported me in work couldnt do anymore. I was in a very bad way. My mother had throat cancer at the time but she came to see me. 

The treatment she had to go through was horrific. She still had time for me and so did my family. They came all the way from bettystown to Athy to see me even when my mother was very sick.  When i came out of Cuan Mhuaire I stopped gambling for a few weeks but ended up back gambling. My family where trying to support my mother and i had the ddiction. The addiction of gambling. My addiction took my time with my mother away from me. Its taken time away from going down to see my family. Its taken time away from my son. It has taken time way from my partner. When you say the time is Now…Yoy are 100 per cent right. Time is everything when you love someone so much but addiction took that away from me.

You told me i can beat gambling……Your right. I cant make excuses about my mother passing away etc. I’m NOT trying to make excuses. I finally understand the amount of time a gambler spends gambling.I have gambled since i was 16 years old. Can i go into a treatment centre again…Not at the moment. I wouldnt be able. I do need help. When i went for a walk today I ended up in mountmellick church. I asked god to let me back in his heart. 

My brother phoned me on the way into the church. I told him Im in a bad place because of gambling and ill phone him later because im  just on my way into the church. I didnt phone him back. Ill phone him tomm and have long chat. 

[stephenm]

Monica. I put up a post tonite to I-did -it. I didnt read much posts today. I’ll chat soon.

[i-did-it]

Stephen For many people (including me ) grief / shock etc what what triggered gambling addiction. In truth , it would be next to impossible for treatment to succeed while your mother was going through treatment – because it would be the wrong time to give up your escape . It is still a difficult time for you because you are grieving . For too long we (yes all of us compulsive gamblers ) have gambled to escape feeling what we found too hard to feel. Guilt is often a part of grief – if you had visited your mother every day you would still feel guilty. If you had been by her bedside night and day you would still feel guilty. Grief is horrible and losing a parent feels like we are having our guts wrenched from our bodies – it hurts too much . Perhaps pick up the phone to Cuan Mhuire and see if here is any follow up you can do . I feel you are ready to stop . I feel you are dealing with so much right now it will be good for you to get help. Your brother has reached out to you but he is grieving too . You will get there Stephen . You will do it this time . GOd will help you .

[kathryn]

My sister was dying of brain cancer when I was at the height of my addiction.
In the last week of her life the family spent the week with her at home. She didn’t want to leave and fought with every breath in her body. On the day, the last day of her life, I went to see her. I spent a measly 30 minutes with her because I had been gambling beforehand and of course I didn’t want to stop. I stayed until there was nothing left and then went to see my dying biggest sister (I have 3 sisters).
I had to be home to pick up my daughter from school. It was a 30 minute drive from my sisters house to mine.
So, my sister, on her last day got 30 minutes of my time.
This is my biggest gambling regret. I cannot change what happened. It didn’t mean I didn’t love her any less. I was out of control with an addiction that was soul destroying.
I have forgiven myself. I know that if I had been ‘normal’ this wouldn’t have happened.
You can change what happens today Stephen.
You can change what happens right now.
You are not a bad person. You are not responsible for your addiction, but you are responsible for your recovery.
I wish you all the very best, You can live a life gamble free.
Love K xx

[stephenm]

Hello Kathryn, You are so right. I’m responsible for own recovery. What you have posted has opened up a huge question- What have I done to help myself -Thanks so much for
sending me this post. I really hope you are in a better place and your doing great. xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen
In response to your recent post

What can you do right now to help yourself ?
What small step can you take ?

Now do it !

Xx

[stephenm]

Hello I-did-it

I’m watching the semi final of the world cup. I know i have to help myself . They are good questions . How are you

xx

[i-did-it]

All good here – getting ready for a family hol- which is easier because I have been gamble free! Things are still tight and will be for some time but it’s amazing how quickly things improve once we stop gambling.

You will find that too- perhaps it might be an idea to visit your son this week- you don’t have to give him anything except your time .!

Keep strong – things will get better – that’s an absolute promise !

[stephenm]

Hi. have a fantastic holiday with your family xxx.

[stephenm]

https://www.problemgambling.ie/

Hi all. I came across some good stories online. One of wich a man worked in a bookies. Its in this link. Hope some people might get something from it. Sorry just to let people know click on blog on the top of the page. Its the last storey on the page. steve

[stephenm]

Hi All. I’m back to work this Saturday and my week off has being nothing but a nightmare. No Money, My partner wont even talk to me. What a week. . Don’t know how I’m getting to work. I will not ask my family for anymore money. They have given me enough. This situation has happened because I put myself here. So I must think of a way to solve the situation.I’m getting 150 euro from a company i sold there product. I applied for the money before i left work last week.They give me the money on a master card. It normally takes a week or some times two. I really hope it is in work on Saturday…….It would mean so much to me at stage.Money for petrol….O please be there god. I have not gambled since Friday gone…..Its a big step forward in the right direction. Everybody has said put tools in place. So there are tools that I’m gonna use…..Thanks for everybody support and advice…..Ps if the money is not there just cry and think of something else….thats life i guess.

[finding_laura]

Hey Stephen, well done on drawing the line. No more asking family. Next time you see them tell them NOT to lend you money. That you are in recovery and need to face the financial consequences on your own. I pray that the card is there for you for gas and food. Onward and Upward. Take the next little step. Make the next right choice. That’s how we get there. Try to relax.Try some relaxation techniques as you are likely extremely stressed in yourself. Deep breaths. Face the mirror. Be honest with yourself but do not punish yourself with words. You can over come this addiction. Laura

[stephenm]

Hi Laura. It is so good to hear from you. Your right I’m completely stressed with worry. A gambler mind runs 24/7. I have looked in the mirror and I didn’t like the person in the mirror one bit.. A man who looks burnt out from gambling,A man who is completely stressed.A man who has no money and in bad debt with all the years he has worked very hard for. A man who has lied to cover gambling and to get money. The list goes on. I tell the person in the mirror that by gambling you hurt yourself and everybody else around you. Each day is hard at the moment because its such an early stage for me. Each day is painful and hurtful. Things will get better for the person in the mirror once he stays clean. Laura it would be haven if i got the money on Saturday……how are you doing…..Did you read the story about the person who works in the bookies…..

[Monica1]

Nice to meet you in charles group. It will feel like that for a while but I remember how it felt very well and don’t want to go back, just move forward. There are no magic wands but one thing going for you is that you have a job. Regardless of the debts and I still have huge ones, things can improve financially when u next get paid. Did you speak to your brother?
When we pray to God for help and start to get in touch with our higher power, things do happen over time, maybe not immediately but he can transform us from the inside out. This has been my experience. Use all the support you can ge5 Stephen. Early recovery isn’t an easy process but it is worth it. Recoveryis different from abstinence, as you probably know already. It is a process. Hope we speak in groups soon.

[stephenm]

Hi Ya Monica, You couldn’t have said it better. The early stages of recovery is definitely the toughest with out question. When we stop ,we have to deal with the consequences and emotional ones too. I really don’t know what is going to happen in my relationship with my partner. Things are bad. I told her that i joined a Gambling therapy site, just to start with and she cut me off by saying ” the only person you need is to help yourself”. We have not spoken properly in a week. I know its all my fault. The only person to blame is myself. She is going out and not telling me anything. I cant control what she thinks or as you said wave a magic wand to make things better. All i can do at this point is make myself better. People here have always said get all help you can to make things better. Getting support from someone you love means so much when you are in dark place. Anyway I will let her make up her own mind. Maybe all the years of gambling have caught up with us in our relationship. I just hope things will get better overtime. Only time will tell. Look on bright side , I’m nearly one week gambling free and more to come. I didn’t know anything about the group Chat. I just clicked on the group chat icon on the top of the page and bingo there it was.The time and the red light…fellow the light…Only joking….So i just clicked on the group chat…I didn’t know what to expect and there i was in the group chat…The first thing that want through my head was ‘ O MY GOD’. where I’am I……I’m here say something…… How are you

[Monica1]

I wonder if your partner would join the forum on here run by velvet for the family and friends of addicted gamblers. She is right in that it has to come from you but also not right in that we cannot do it without support. The emotional fallout when we stop gambling shouldn’t be underestimated. Glad you could join the group. We all need ongoing support to remain in recovery. This is an emotional illness and we need to express our emotions and how we r feeling to deal with them hence the groups and the forum. Gotta go out now but hope we can speak later.

[Monica1]

Blame never solves anything and that includes the self blame as well.
Forgive yourself, quite a big thing.

[stephenm]

No Prob. Chat later

[finding_laura]

Hey Stephen, good to see you found the chat and that you have met Monica. A great lady with a really good mind. Right now I think your girlfriend is tired of words. She wants to see actions. Like finding someone else to help with your finances. Going to GA meetings regularly. Not gambling. Going to counseling? I think they even offer email counseling on this site. They used to anyway. Click on the link for one on one help and ask a facilitator. They are open business hours. Change yourself. If she doesn’t think you should need her help well than show her that you were right in that another person can help. It may take some time but if she sees these actions it may make a difference. Not to mention that if you work on your issues, the things that make you feel like gambling, then you will likely be a better person. I will try and go back and read the story. Been busy tackling over due paperwork. But that is another thing about GA. You get to hear real peoples stories. We need to keep an open mind and heart. Hope you had an ok night. Laura

[stephenm]

Laura. Great to hear from you. What ever happens in my relationship will happen. I dont think its going to last much longer. There is no point going into to much detail. Anyway no matter if my relationship works or does’nt work – I still have a problem which is gambling. No matter if my partner does’nt stay or I meet someone else or I live on my own I still have the problem of being a compulsive gambler. This is MY main concern. Who gives me support or who does’nt – I will keep looking for support. Its being one hell of ride this week without question but I’m still here counting the chickens….how are you

Your right…Monica is a really great person with a grat mind but so are you. xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen
Well said !
Whatever happens with your relationship will happen.
Seek recovery for you – because you deserve a happy and free life .

Gambling helps us escape all kinds of issues and puts us off making hard choices .

You will not be successful if you stop gambling for someone else – do it for you !

Really start to believe that Stephen deserves this – no more worry , heartache and shame !

Keep strong !

[stephenm]

Hello I did it………thanks so much fro the post. Going to bed. Ill talk to you tomm. lol xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen
How’s are things ?
Did U manage to get sorted out for money to travel to work?
Gambling brings sommuch stress it makes you wonder why we do it ?
Keep strong!

[finding_laura]

Hey Stephen,
your post said it all. You need to do this for you regardless. That was when I truly started to recover. The moment I realized I didn’t want a life full of gambling and gambling chaos. And that no matter what happened with my marriage I didn’t want to be a gambler anymore. Period. Please hold on. How are you making out now that back to work? Laura

[stephenm]

Hi Laura, I’m just back to work today. Thought i was back yesturday but I didnt read the roaster properly. The money was there. Thanks be to God. Your right Laura, No Matter what happens I have to do this fror myself. I just in so Ill talk soon. 

[stephenm]

Hi I -did -it. The money was in work. I so stressed thinhig about it. Thanks be to god the money was there. I felt so dirty and ashamed going to work. Normally I have to wear black shoes. I could’nt wear my black shoes to  today because they where ripped at the side. I had to wear brown. I badly need a hair cut. I look very run down.I havent slept much etc.On my way into work my mind was racing like a race car.. What if the money wasnt there..What will people think of me….so many thoughts……

Things worked out good in the end. My money was there and my son phoned me. Of course I still feel ashamed but thats good. If I didnt feel ashamed means I wouldnt care. Yes My beautiful son. I will see him tuesday. I cant wait. I will him the truth about the ps4. No more lies right. Thats the start of My Journey. To be honest to my self. My partner has applied for social housing. She doesnt think Ill stop. I dont really care if she believes me but as we have all said i need to stop for me. We have started talking a little bit. what will be will be. xxx 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Stephen, I hope you had a good day! I just relapsed in my recovery but I’m going to get help through GA,meetings and counseling. Many times we get complacent in our recovery. Do this for you first! You are worthy of gamble free life! It’s always easier getting in the hole instead of getting our. All the feelings you’ve been feeling are normal. It’s the addition talking. Keep posting and get some outside help. Keep posting here. There are a lot of good people here and support! Take care.

[stephenm]

Hi Lizbeth4. I have relapsed so many times over the years. Yoy wouldnt believe how many times I have relapsed. It has been a very hard week since i stopped gambling. When I got the 150 euro today I thought about gambling but I didnt. I have been in the dark place all week. I’m in a dark hole looking for a way out. There is a way out for you too. The way out is You Have to Fight Every Inch of the way. The biggest battle starts today. Do it for you. Fight your way back into the light…..Play the speech from any given sunday….I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT…..

[vera]

where is that €150 now, Steve and who knows you have it?????

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen Just stay strong – every time you feel an urge write on here. Maybe hide some money at work so you can’t be tempted after work. I have in the past taped all my cards to the underside  of my desk at work! You can do this Stephen- we are all rooting for you! Keep us posted !

[stephenm]

Hi I did it,  I’m going to work and going straight home. I have not gambled. The damage that my gambling has done will take a long time to repair. I not going to gamble any of the 150. I’m only using the card for petrol and food. I have only used 25 from the card. This 25 euro was for petrol to get home from work on sunday and 10 euro for petrol today. The card stays at home. I dont take the card to work which means I have to go straight home. All my gambling was done straight after work. If I dont carry cash or card I cant gamble which means I have to go straight home. You see before I would carry cash and card to work and gamble after work. I’m trying something different that I didnt do before.

Thanks for your support….

[stephenm]

Hi Vera, The 150 is 125. I put petrol in the car on sunday to get home and petrol in the car to get to work today. I told my partner I have the card. I fill the car with petrol and dont bring the card to work. I used to gamble after work.That was my thing.Gmbling after work. IIf i dont carry cash or card I cant. 

Thanks for your concern

[i-did-it]

Yippee!
Well done Stephen !
Proud of u !
Keep strong!

[stephenm]

Hi I-did-it. Thanks so much. I’v just being with my son and just home. I’m so Happy. I finished work today at 6.45. I started at 9.15. As soon as i finished work I want straight to see my son. Before I would have left work and gone gambling and only see my for 40 mins. Tonight I spend 2.30 hours with him…..Amazing.
I told my son about the ps4. I told him the truth. I told him I need help again with the gambling addiction. I also told him it will take time to get it back. His answer was – you know I LOVE you SO SO MUCH AND IM HERE FOR YOU. The tears started rolling down my face and he put his arms around me and said it will be ok. I have a very long way to go in recovery. I know its not even the start because I need to face the urges and the debt. Relationships have to be rebuild with family and loved ones.I have to work harder because I have to show I’m focused again…Its certainly not easy by any means. All I can to his my best.

[lizbeth4]

Your post made me cry-happy tears! To hear your Son say that he loved you and was there for you. I’m so happy that you refrained from gambling and spent time with him.

[stephenm]

Hi. Thanks for your post. Its wasnt easy just leaving work and going straight to see my son. Im doing something to try and change the cycle of gambling. There is a question I asked myself tonight…….What if my son was down over selling the ps4 and he didnt want to talk to me….What would i have done or how would I react to it. I need to think of all possabilties and react in postive way….That is something I must also learn.

[i-did-it]

Stephen
That is absolutely fantastic that you spent time with your son .
Our kids prefer time with us to any play station or toy.
U are doing so well in resisting gambling- It really hard at the start .

There was a discussion on my thread about the difference between absintence and recovery . I didn’t quite understand myself . Perhaps you could read everyone’s comments.

Gambling leaves us with so many issues to sort out – so I would advise you for now to just concentrate on abstinence – the other stuff will fall into place – look at today – abstaining from gambling turned into quaility time with your son.

Keep strong Stephen – your life will get better and better !

You are really doing well –

[stephenm]

Thanks so much for support. Working six days this week. Burnt out. Cant sleep with worry over all the bills . I’m so stressed out. I working very hard to earn extra money because on the 25th of this month I get paid. Work will take the 300 euro out of my wages. 

No matter what money I got on the 25th I will only pay the important bills. Each month will get better once I stay clean. It is very hard when you start recovery.. No questions asked. 29 years of gambling can not be fixed in sort period of time. I know this. I need to take each day at a time and work hard in recovery. 

My son phoned me and asked me to see him tomm. I said I cant wait. I will phone him from the work number and tell him when I will arrive. This way he knows im just finished work and on my way. I did the same with my partner today,just to show a change can be made if you want it bad enough. 

lol xxx how are you doing yourself……..

[lizbeth4]

Stephen, I’ve been gambling manby years, on and off. My last recent relapse has put me in the position that next month all bills can’t be paid. Important ones first! If we keep gamble free it will get easier in many ways including financially. Stay present like you are for your Son. You can’t make up for the past but you can create a better future. My biggest regret isn’t losing money but losing time with my children who are now grown. I am now present in their lifes and my Grandchildren. Life is short and time flies by so fast. I think you are doing great. Keep going.

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen
I have been away – I hope all is going well with you but whatever is happening please update us with a post .

It is a hard addiction to kick – and most of us take several attempts and even after years of recovery are vulnerable to relapse .

You are among people here who will support you whatever is happening –
Keep strong
Xx

[stephenm]

Hello i-did -it. I have not gambled since the 7th of this month. I’m still clean. I just had a conversation with my father. My father told me he will not give me any money. He is very worried about me but he will support me with love and emotional feelings. He said the door will always be opening. Its time to stop turning to people looking for money. 

I got paid on saturday. I owe 300 euro and they never took the 300 euro out of my wages. Kate from our accounts department said she put the wages through but forgot to deduct the 300 euro. The 300 euro will be deducted next month. I will work out which bills are important to pay. I cant pay everything. Its impossiable to pay off huge debts when you have only started in recovery. Each month will get better but Its a long road ahead. Its only the start of a new journey. 

29 years of gambling has caused so much pain in mylife. Sometimes I feel great in myself and other times I feel Worthless.I think when a a compulsive gambler stops,Our feelings and thoughts are all over the place. No matter how much we try and relax our thoughts just keep racing. It will take time I suppose.

[i-did-it]

Well done Stephen !

[finding_laura]

Hi Stephen, I’m glad to see you doing so well and am grateful the community has been supporting you. I’m still healing from a big surgery and sometimes when I am increasing activity and rehab exercises I can be wiped out for a while. So sorry I haven’t posted in a bit.

You are right when you say this will take time to sort out. We can’t undo the mess in a day. The anxiety and racing thoughts can be terrible and difficult. I just reminded myself that my loved ones wanted me to be with them and well. That gambling or suicide wasn’t an answer. And as I was reminded by the good people here all I needed to focus on was the next task, or the next right choice. One step at a time can be the beginning of an amazing journey. Deep breathing, meditation if possible, practicing self care, all these things can help with the anxiety. The bills can feel overwhelming. Focus on paying for the necessities. Roof over head, food on the table, petrol in the car for work. And of course quality time with your son can help ease the ill feelings. I’m sure he’s thrilled to kick around a ball or watch his favourite show with you. Take care and keep us posted.
Laura

[stephenm]

Laura, great to hear from you. Don’t worry about posting. Post when your able. May gods hands shower you with blessings and health for a speedy recovery from your surgery. ….. Let me know how things are going for you from time to time.
xxx
Going down to see my dad tomm. I will take my son with me. I will collect my son after work tomm at 6.30. I will stay until sunday. On sunday I have to work at one so ill drive my son home and than head into work. I dont feel good in myself. I feel really down but I have to make an effort to keep going….
lol xxx

[kathryn]

Looks like you have your weekend full up with your son so that’s brilliant!
You are right about feelings and thoughts being all over the place. Think about it, for so long your head has been full of nothing but gambling…..how, where, when! Once you stop actively gambling you actually get the opportunity to think about other things.
Its great to read you are doing well.
The bills will get paid in time. It took me 5 years to pay off my debts, most places will let you organise a payment plan. Slow and steady.
Enjoy your weekend, Love K xx

[stephenm]

I just had a relapse today. All my money is gone. No money to get to work. My partner is holidays. dont know what to do….

[charles]

Hi Stephen,

You need to get support, you need to keep posting. if we need help to stop gambling then it is important to keep using support to maintain abstinence and recovery. Did you get back to GA? During your gamble free tiem what were you able to do differently?

Keep posting

[stephenm]

Hi Charles, Your right. Nn questions asked. I need all the support I can get. I phoned my manager in work. I asked my manager if its possiable to borrow 250 until 24th of the month because I dont have money for petrol etc. He will go for a coffee and talk with me on saturday. More debt….

To be honest I was fighting not gambling but it was always there….I thought I could fight it alone. How wrong was I.. What have I done. Gambled on wednesday and today.

[stephenm]

My dad just phoned me. I explained what I did. He told me to go to the petrol station and put 50 euro in the car. He will give them his card details but he wont give me money. Thanks be to god for a loving father. Im able to get to work.  I feel sick having to do this…..

[finding_laura]

You manager will likely grow tired of advances? Most would. I hope gambling won’t cost you this job. It takes everything that is important to us. As your son grows older and he sees you repeating the same hurtful behaviour it may cost you him as well. Can you reach out for mental health support through your doctor? This is a serious addiction as I don’t have to tell you. I’m afraid what this may cost you. When you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired I believe is the expression. Please get more help.
Laura

[Monica1]

This is a very serious addiction that destroys us. We have to take that fact seriously. I hope all goes well with your manager. But you cannot expect sympathy for your plight unless you take some serious measures to get support and stop for good. I have been to wanting to commit suicide and destitution so know full well where this takes us. I so glad your dad helped you out and isn’t enabling you.

[stephenm]

I’m fully aware of what the addiction takes and destroys in a gamblers life. I’m living it. I’m not looking for sympaty. My manager in work wants me to give up 8 days of my holidays for a 200 euro loan and a ps4 for my son. The ps4 is only worth 299. The loan of 200 has to be paid back at the end of the month. 8 days holidays is worth over 900 euro.  So who wins….They have me working plus paying back the loan. Its only me who put me here. My manager will confirm  his  decision on monday with the general manager. I need to stop for good but ill get there…..I have asked my assistant manger to go to a ga meeting with me because he has been in recovery for 15 years due to drugs and drink. He is clean 15 years. My partner is back from her holidays on monday and I know what wil happen. My son,My father and failmy cant give anymore. I know all this.

[Monica1]

I am sorry if I came across a bit harsh. I am just concerned for you as I have been there. I am pleased it went ok with your manager. You clearly have a supportive work environment, more so than most. GA helps a lot of people and I am sure you will benefit from it. When we make the decision to stop hurting ourselves through gambling, slowly things will improve.

[stephenm]

Monica…Dont be sorry for being a bit harsh. lol steve. Say what you want.  Laura is right and so are you. Im going to get very sick from my addiction. Will talk soon….. ps An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

[finding_laura]

I’ve always loved that fable so wise in it’s words of wisdom. I hope the GA meeting goes well! The costs of this addiction are so high when the things in your life it can take are so valuable. You still have so much left to lose and I know Monica and I wish to save you that hurt. Work shouldn’t be taking advantage of your addiction either but it’s great that you are going to be able to replace your son’s Playstation. His respect will mean the world to you. More valuable than a win. Keep going Steve. So much good left ahead. Thanks for the update. Nice to know you are still with us 🙂
Laura

[stephenm]

Laura,I have to start all over again. I will post everyday. My manager gave 100 euro plus the ps4. He gave me 100 euro out of his own pocket until the 25 of the month.This wont get me through until payday but its a start. Work has taken advantage of me. I know.  Laura and monica…today is the day I stop feeding the wolfe that eats inside of me.. Im geting tried of fighting the wolfe inside me. Each day i will post.. I will ask you monica for support each day.Thank you so much xx

ps. My partner has arrived home from her holidays. I told her the truth. 

[stephenm]

Today I feel really tried. I’m tried worrying about bills, work and
the car. Gambling has taken everything from my life. My car has to many problems and i don’t have the money to fix it. So do i sale the car and start getting the bus. I will only get 200 euro for the car due to the miles and problems with the car. scrap. The bus will take 2 hrs to get to work from where i live. Its difficult to get a bus home. what to do…….I cant afford to pay tax, insurance , repairs etc. Maybe when I’m in a better position I can get a car again…..What do people think. Remember I need money for the month lol steve

[Monica1]

Only sell the car as a last resort particularly If it is functioning and getting you to work. You answer your own question when u say u might not even be able to get home. R u sure that a two hour bus route is the only way, what about a train? Your work is your help and support right now and will stop u focussing on all your problems. I would look at selling anything I owned, in my case I own hardly anything except clothes and books and I got a few bob from selling books, particularly text books. Do you have friends you can borrow from. You can get through this temporary patch.

[stephenm]

Hello Monica. Good to hear from you. There is a grinding noise coming from the front of the car. The front brake discs are damaged. The car also needs brake pads and a timing belt. If the timing belt is changed, than the water pump has to be changed the same time. The tax is also up on the car at the end of the month. It is dangerous to drive at the moment with the discs and brakes. If the timing belt snaps the pines go through the car. I have the mortage and back bills to pay at the end of this month.If i borrow more Im getting more and more into debt.The train station is in the next town. The bus  only runs  a limited service. Its a nightmare. 

I just thinking if I sale the car for scrap and get the bus,I dont have to worry about the car. I can work on clearing my debt and when Im ready get a car. I will never be able to get oi for heating,,pay the mortage,pay

loans,child maintance and loans….. I dont know anymore.

Dont know who even to ask for a loan anymore -. hope your well 

how to see my son if i sale the car…..

[vera]

You will get penalty points and a fine if the cops stop you, Steve.
OR
God forbid, you could be killed!!!
Can you share a lift or get a bike?
Gambling comes with a high price tag, doesn’t it.

[stephenm]

Hi Vera, Your right. My mind is made up. I cant drive the car much longer. Its too dangerous. Ill sale the car for scrap.Ill work on clearing debt. I need to get my life back on track. Its only a car. I can always get a car. Ill have to get the bus. Ill try and find out if I can get a lift but I dont think so. 

Your right. Gambling has took alot of things way from me. Its time to rebuild my life..I feel so ashamed and worthless today………

[Monica1]

Sounds like you need to get rid of the car then! I too have a long journey to work, it can be done for short periods. The feelings you express will steadily pass as we get more gf days under our belt. Numero uno thing to do is forgive yourself, really it is. Your worth is not tied in to where u r at in life, your worth comes from remaining gf and taking the steps in recovery. It is worth it. Get in touch with your higher power. Let go to that and go with the flow one day at a time.

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen
I know how poor the transport services are in Ireland – a car is such a priority for many people. Any chance you could get a cheap one on credit? Getting to work is so important but I think you are wise to let a death trap go .

If you can manage with the bus that is great – I often think people who use public transport are more disciplined – they don’t have the choice to sit and have “one more cup of tea “ because the bus won’t wait in the way your car will!

This is a blip – a little bit of penance I guess – I hope to read you are back in the driving seat in no time at all ! Well done on making a very hard decision .

[stephenm]

Hi I-did-it. Im so low. My car has to go. I need the money and cant afford  to fix the car. Im really in a bad place. Talk soon….x

[Monica1]

You can come through this. I have been where u r. I read through all your thread today and you have to get support through counselling, you have a lot to work through. Sell the car, go back to where u had treatment previously. The good thing about gma is that it doesn’t end and we have Charles and peer groups to help us through. The best friends I have never met r on here. You must keep the job going if you can. I have massive debts but they have been there for a long time.wd tackle one thing at a time. For me it was saving the roof over my head. That is done. Next, and that will be the case for years. But recovery has bought happier times but the b3dt is finding ourselves again. Reach out stephen, dont keep it all inside as sitting alone dwelling on things doesn’t help. You can do this.

[stephenm]

Hi Monica. Thanks. Ill chat soon

[stephenm]

Hi. My car has been sold for scrap….Only got 130.00. They gave me a Cheque. I hope work will change the cheque for me in the morning. I phoned a car dealer about a car today. Hell keep the car until I get paid on the 25th. The car is 750 but he will give it to me for 600. Ill have to pay the mortgage, electricity bill,internet bill,insurance. I wont be able to pay child support. Ill phone my ex and tell her to claim through the social. I havent made a payment on my credit cardt for months. I have a loan but wont pay it this month. I also owe house hold tax which I wont pay. My credit card has been sold to a debt collection agency a long time ago and i havent paid payments for months.I need to focus on getting the car,work,mortgage etc. My heart was broken today because of my gambling. Me. It was all me who did this…..I hope with all my heart things get better. It will only get better if I stop gambling. I need all the help I can get. ps….I bought a Renault Laguna 2006 with only 150000km – 93205 miles.very low mileage. Nct. full cream leather interior and new tyres. I hope this car is ok. as i said the dealer will keep the car until I get paid. I going to call this day one of my journey because my car is gone and its a fresh start….to all that reads this…..Gambling has started to take things from me….DONT LET THE SAME THING HAPPEN TO YOU…..ITS A HORRIBLE PLACE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY…….

[lizbeth4]

The answer for US is to not gamble! I understand your situation. Some of my credit cards have been turned over to collection agencies. I can’t pay all of my bills this month due to my gambling relapses. Prioritize your bills! Pay what you can. Keep going! We have to keep trying. Through all of this, forgive yourself so you can move forward. It’s sometimes hard for us to do!! Today think of one positive person or thing in your life. It will help!!

[stephenm]

Hi Liz. Today I thought of One Positive person who I let down. My son.

[stephenm]

Hi Liz. Today I thought of One Positive person who I let down. My son.

[stephenm]

Hi Liz. Today I thought of One Positive person who I let down. My son.

[lizbeth4]

Stephen, you love your Son and,he loves you! That is a big positive!!! When we stop gambling, we don’t let anyone down. Everyday is a new beginning, a new start. That’s how I plan to look at life! Its so easy (from my experience) to focus on negatives. Stay strong!!!

[stephenm]

Liz. I just had a huge fight with my partner.Things are bad between us. Over the car and and gambling. The ps4 also came into it. She said, nearly every month I buy and sale the fucking ps4. It costs me money. Why didnt I get something for the house.. I think I will give my son the playstation to keep at his mothers. I cant sell it for cash and he will always have it. Maybe I kept it in my house because I know if I gambled I could get quick cash. I need to think on changing a few small things to help me with gambling. 

Liz. I also know Im not happy in this house. Sometimes I dont want to come home. My next neighbour is mentlally ill. He keeps banging on the walls and screaming.This happens night and day.  I cant do anything about it. I have reported it to the police etc but they said there is nothing I can do. I have let things build up inside me and used gambling as means to escape. I have to learn to deal with problems like any normal person. I used gambling as a means of escape for years and this is wrong.   I need to learn  to stop and think that gambling doesnt solve any suituation. It makes matters worse. I honestly think gambling was my way of hurting myself. and why …because I never liked me.

Each person has a wish to stop gambling….My wish is to be a little bit stonger each month so i can resist gambling………goodnite. 6.30 bus here I go

[lizbeth4]

Stephen, It’s hard on our partners to understand our gambling addiction. Do you think she would join the family and friends support forum here? It might give her a better insight . I’ think letting your Son take home the ps4 would be a great idea. Then you wouldn t be tempted to sell it if you had gambling urges. Gambling doesn’t solve anything. I think that most CGs have low self esteem and don’t like themselves. Just my thoughts! Eample: I have good qualities but seem to focus on the not so good qualities. We can change that!! You will get stronger everyday you don’t gamble. Keep going!

[Monica1]

About the PS4. Glad you have a car coming. Positive. My debts have sat in limbo since I started recovery 13 months ago. When you tell them your story they ha e some sympathy. Your priority debts will always be the roof over your head and utilities, taxes. Loans, credit can all wait for a very long time. Your neighbour sounds in great distress, why has t he been sectioned? How has your week been?

[stephenm]

Hello Monica…..Great to hear from you. My week has been awful. I’m really down in myself. I’m getting up at 5.30 in the morning to get the bus.I’m arriving into work at 8.45 am.  I have to get two buses.In the evening is worse going home. I get the bus from work to portlaois in the evening but there is no townlink bus in the evening to bring me home. 

One night I got the bus from work to portlaois and it started raining heavy. I waited at the bus stop for one hour but no townlink bus showed,  This was at 8.00 o clock in the evening. I gambled that evening. I lost the 120 I borrowed from work. I had no money left so I started to walk in the heavy rain home. 2 hrs walk along the dark roads. My partner phoned me at 11.00 o clock that night and I was still walking in the rain. My partner  came and collected me. I was nearly home at this stage. In the car I just broke down in tears and couldnt talk. When we got home she said Im suffering from depression and need to go to the doctor. I told her to sale the ps4 so I could get in and out to work.She sold the ps4 and she only gives me money for the bus. My partner is trying to collect me in the evening after work but its hard on her. Some nights I have to wait 2 hours for her to collect me. I honestly dont know whats going to happen with all the debt im in. I cant think straight anymore. The most important thing is to go to the doctor and get antidepression tablets..I can never have money again. I just cant. Its  like a loaded gun waiting to go off. Hope your doing good….

I will get the car and go the doctor. 

[vera]

Steve, why not go to the GP. Lay your cards on the table. Tell him everything and ask for a sick cert.
You can’t work under those conditions.
you need HELP!

[Monica1]

Antidepressants can help with the depression but more importantly please ask for talking therapies. You need to talk this out. You partner does sound like she is trying to support You as best as she can. But you need to help you. The bus situation is awful and I hve been in similar situationsit is tiring and takes up all our time. But it is temporary. That’s the good thing.
If your doctor can sign you off for a while great, but you may want to continue working. It is a godsend when we are anxious but also there are times we hit in early recovery when we have to admit we can’t work until we deal with this monster which is where I was. I was to sick, physically and mental,y from this addiction that I had to give myself the space to get well. I am praying for you stephen in mighty Jesus name that you get the help and support From your higher power. It can lead u to recovery. For me it did take time and at times felt like nothing would ever get better. But it did.

[stephenm]

Hello Vera. I’m in a very bad way at the moment. I’m off tomm. I need just to rest and sleep. I need major help…..I need medical help at this stage……..will talk to tomm. Im so tried. Im going to bed. 

[i-did-it]

Hi Stephen
You are got lots of good advice on here – I am sorry things have gotten so bad – perhaps a little time out of work would help- you seem to be under tremendous pressure right now .

Debts will wait – they can’t get water out of a stone !
Mine have waited years !

Just look after yourself Stephen – you are more important than any money !

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry that you are going through this difficult time. You are your first priority. Take care of yourself first! I’m going to my GP for my yearly physical this coming Tuesday. I’m talking to her about antidepressants. I think I would benefit from them. It doesn’t take much for me to get into a depression. Talk to your DR! Get some help. This addiction and everything that goes with it is so overwhelming at times and takes a lot from us. Concentrate on YOU!

[Author]

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