[neeuq]

Im happy I found this site and especially this forum to be able to finally feel for one second that I am not alone. I have felt completely alone for some time now and have even isolated myself leaving me more alone. I never thought any kind of addiction could happen to me. I always thought “im smarter than that” as if i wouldn’t come to a point where I would make the stupidest decisions I have ever made in my life. I didn’t think gambling addiction was real. I never understood it. I’ve seen other people here and there complain about losing and I woukd say why wouldn’t you just stop? I didn’t understand until I understood, right in the middle of it. It seemed so harmless at first and started out slowly then before I knew it, it was completely controlling my life. It has changed who I was to the core. I’ve done some things I am so ashamed of and never thought in a hundred years I woukd ever do. And the whole time I knew I didn’t want to do it and knew I was sick about it and disgusted, but I did them anyways. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t walk away. One thing I have always stood strong on and hated was lying. Hate it so much. I hate being lied to and I hate lying. And I’ve turned into the biggest liar to loved ones. Avoiding them because I can only come up with so many reasons why I am so broke. Where have I been for hours etc. Why can’t you pay your bills? I’ve been hiding in my dark secret that has been destroying me inside and out. I have ADHD so it is already so hard controlling impulsivity. I didn’t even start until a little over a year ago, I never liked gambling before I hated losing even $20 it wasn’t for me. Then I was introduced to online casinos. It was super easy and I feel like they preyed on me giving me decent wins to get me hooked. And pretty soon I sure was. I started making stupid decisions chasing losses left and right putting myself in debt outside my means. Then one day at my lowest of lows my last $5 I remembered I had on my credit card “saved me” how desperate is that? Making a $5 deposit, crying in desperation and fear praying thats somehow going to help me. Looking back at that as some kind of fix makes me sick. It all makes me so sick. But I deposited it, and I hit big. Really big. More money at one time than I had ever seen, I hit a mega jackpot on a multiplier. I cried and thanked God I just couldn’t believe it. I said to myself “I dont have to gamble anymore” and I was only lying to myself. I immediately cashed out. Thought and dreamed of all the thingd I would be able to do that I never thought I could. I paid my debts. Gave out money. Made sure everyone had a good Christmas. But spending the money made me anxious. Having all the miney I had and seeing it slowly get lower and lower, I didn’t like that. I also got greedy and thought well if I hit something like this off that bet imagine what I could hit off an even higher bet, I’ve never bet high before. So I tried it. Lost and lost but wouldn’t let myself keep losing too much because I woukd get scared and anxious. Put the phone down. Say, no I have to win that back I’ll be fine I have plenty to fall back on. And I would play and play. I lost a lot but then I got desperate again one day about a month later. Couldn’t believe all that money I knew I woukd never habe the chance at making again was almost all gone and I didn’t know what to do. I made so many stupid decisions getting hooked on high, super high, bets. Then it happened again. Hit another jackpot, for double what I hit before and I was in shock couldn’t believe it I was saved again. This made me believe somehow I was always just going to get lucky of thingd ever got low. I actually hit multiple different jackpots, 2 in the same day, and other times down the road huge hits for thousands on whatever game I was playing. I made a plan to be smart with my money, opened up a high yield savings, was going to hire an advisor all the smart stuff. But after putting most of it in the savings I did nothing else. Nothing I should have. I took care of anything that needed taken care of, made some much needed purchases, took a couple small trips with my family but they were nothing big nothing too far. Fixed my credit so I could buy a house. Well I’ve been in my house 2 months now amd I have nothing. Im back in debt. Credit is crashed. I have no borrowing power. Im behind on my mortgage, I haven’t even made the first payment. I moved in in May, first payment was due June 1st. Couldn’t make it. I haven’t paid any of my bills. Im at risk with my house amd my vehicle right now as well as my electric, auto insurance, I already just got a letter saying my home insurance was canceled. Im terrified. Im a single parent. Im all my child has and I have failed her. And that kills me the most. Not being able to give her the things she deserves. Support her the way she deserves. I hate myself. The past couple months I have somehow made it through and I dont even know how. I hate that she hasn’t been able to enjoy her summer, go to water parks, beach vacation which she loves and was excited about. I hate myself. I can’t talk to my family about it, my parents and others because im so scared of how they will judge me. I’ve always been the responsible one in the family. The one they could count on and who makes the good decisions. Who am I now?? I dont recognize myself anymore. I live in a constant state of fear, anxiety, doom, everything is so heavy I need so much help right now to catch up and not lose everything and I don’t even know how to get it. I have deep anxiety when it comes to asking for help I’ve never been good at it. Especially when its something I feel so shameful for. I feel like why would anyone want to help me? They won’t help someone who just carelessly threw away all their money. That’s what I did. I threw it all away like it was nothing. How do I survive? How does my child survive? Im a Veteran and I get VA disability benefits. I have a job and sure enough all at the same time everything cane crashing down that basically went out the windows, there’s no more availability for me to work shifts so I haven’t been and won’t be bringing in any extra money to sustain us from there. Am in the middle of the interview process for another one but doesn’t start until August. What do I do in the meantime? I have no money and no access to money, no incoming for a whole month, trying to find help and resources to make it through. Im going to have to file bankruptcy. I made sure to give my child such a beautiful life and now im about to take it all away from her I fear. Did I say I hate myself? I dont know how to forgive myself and I do not feel that I deserve it. I hate being alone in this I want to come clean and open so bad but im still so afraid. I also really do not want to disappoint my family. I dont come from a family of money. Growing up we always struggled to make ends meet. I worked hard when I got older to make sure I wasn’t living like that and when I had my child she wasn’t either and now this. Money isn’t something that has ever came easy to them, my dad broke his whole body basically, to the point he isn’t able to work anymore and isn’t allowed to carry more than a grocery bag. The way they would react to me having all that money nad just throwing it away? Im so full of shame. I want to stop living in anxiety, darkness, shame. I have been physically sick because of how much stress I have been under trying to figure all this out and what I am going to do. And what I hate the most is even tho I truly do not want to do it, and doing it makes me feel sick to my stomach, I feel like the only way out is to gamble. To win and make money. How do I get out of this I know this can’t be true. I hope.

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