[Clarity]

Hello all,

This evening is the time i start a true battle with my demon gambling.

i have fought gambling for over 20years. ive never won or even never came close. but tonight it begins.
Im on this site for one reason to stop. ive tried everything from G.a, valium, shrinks, drink, isolation in middle of no mans land away from everything. ive done full circles of every treatment and have l have failed everytime. TIME???
To be true to myself ive always carried the dream with me that il still win the motherload. tonight i give the dream up. It is the hardest thing to do give my dream up, but im nearly 40 years old.
Ive wasted everything threw gambling. I have cried so much ive run dry there is no where else to turn. Im living a lie im living in hell. My friends have grown up travelled the world im still here waiting to live.
I have commited many crimes to support my living hell. Ive missed out on so much i dont have a career i neglected my friends. im a loner living in a dream world made from my addiction to try balance the madness in my head and try justify why ive done what i have done, why i have lived the way i have lived.
how can i justify going to a food bank and donate my money to the rich bookmakers. im like scrooge without the money. i scrimp everything so i can give any money i have to a bookmakers.
I walk home in the rain with tears down my cheeks nobody can see. ive sat there praying for answers praying for just one more chance il never do it again. ive being dug out of so many holes ive no shame any more. no self respect, made promises i never keep. stolen from my children.
ive sat up so many times seeing suicide as the only option to end my pain. tonight it ends im fighting back.
ive told nobody i dont see the point they wont believe me and i dont think they care anymore let everyone down 99% of the time. im a loner pushed everyone away.
i know ive no control but i think if i finally let my dream go i can tackle this once and for all. its not a well planned dream just a basic dream of hitting it big everytime sharing my spoils being fucking bob geldof to everyone. showing hey look im retired im loaded and u all worked for it . i done it by time i was 40.

Its a dream thats all truth im broke holes shoes, charity clothes, no friends anymore, eat cheap food. never being away, cant keep a job. im a crook, scammer you name it. health has taking a battering, suffer major depression anxiety panic attacks. WHY because i let gambling become me i let it control my every meal i ate, my clothes i wore ,my friends, how i slept. my mood it brought anger sadness. very seldom joy.
IT TOOK AWAY TIME I CANNOT REPLACE .
Time i could of spent with my children laughing with family friends, travelling. i spent most of my time awake on the move, But i spent that time scamming trying keep wolf from door, sleepless nights planning, crying worrying frightened.
running A to B selling stealing. what have i not done to feed my habit? not what have i done?
now im going to bed alone afraid worried. il drop some valium to try calm me. shut my over active brain down tell myself it is over. This is going to be a long journey. by time im 40 i never want to gamble again. My biggest regret is TIME
i gave gambling all my TIME. im going to try treasure my TIME left on this earth you dont see it until its gone.
I cant change the past but i can change the future.
MY FAVORITE QUOTE.

[Anonymous]

We-are-all-in-the-gutter-but-some-of-us-are-looking-at-the-stars

[Anonymous]

Hi Ray,
Welcome !! You are describing how many of us on here think. The dream ranges from all the people we will make rich , to the people we can’t wait to let see we have done well…yet while these people are doing just fine I am mending my old clothes and using black marker to cover the scuff on my boots!! Besides I have been so busy gambling for years i have lost touch with most of r them! When they met up I could never afford to go!!

The good news Ray is that once you have been gamble free for even a short while your self respect returns! You start to become interested in in other things! The wasted time cannot be returned but the lessons learned from it can enhance the time we have left and give us a real appreciation for the little things others take for granted!

Look up the support groups Ray and try to get to some of them. They are really helpful!!

Well done on writing your first post !I look forward to many more!!

[janey1]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hi Ray and welcome to the forum. I’m sure you will be reading the other threads here and I’m sure you will be reading stories that you can relate to. You will also be reading the success stories – what are they doing that you can apply to your own situation?

It sounds as if when you previously went around those circles of support you were, as you say, still holding on to the gambling dream. Don’t rule out revisiting some of those other support options now that you have decided to let that dream go.

Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking.

[micky]

Hi Ray your not alone were all in the same boat here at G.T. I’m so pleased you have found us , you will get lots of support and advice from fellow compulsive gamblers. Keep posting and just take one day at a time (O.D.A.AT) like sad says even after a short while without gambling your self respect soon starts to return. Micky.

[Author]

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