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A typical payday!
It’s pushing midnight, and I’ve had 8 or 10 stiff drinks. My small kitchen & dining room area are filled with friends and my hubby; laughter is in the air! I haven’t gambled much money in the past two weeks, only because I blew through my paycheck last month and have been penny pinching in anticipation of payday, which was today!
I have had ten thousand conversations with myself in the last two weeks, and I’ve set a budget that I WILL stick to for my gambling. I have made charts, graphs, started a journal, prayed to God, and talked to myself endlessly about how I’m going to STICK TO THIS…..this time!
I came home earlier in the evening, and on the drive home I was so anxious (happy excitement in my veins) because I am going to get to gamble. I got PAID today, and can afford to stop and buy some things that I have denied myself, due to being broke! However, the best part is, I can GAMBLE a little! I’m on a budget and my gambling is going to be fun, because I won’t go over my budget. I will succeed in making gambling just a fun part of my life, NO STRESS because I have this covered, THE BUDGET…and preparation, right? WRONG!!!!!!!
I’ve put away my computer, to have fun with my friends, but it’s pushing midnight and I’m buzzed. THE ITCH has set in. When I first arrived home, I opened my Online Casino and purchased my “budgeted” amount. I played through that rather quickly and felt it didn’t last as long as it should have and I was disappointed to say the least. As midnight approached and friends started to leave, that little voice came into my head, and said, “If you just purchase a little more, you can win back the Budget and start new.” I HATE that VOICE with all I am!! My judgement is impaired due to alcohol consumption and that little voice knows it.
I slip into my office, fire up the computer and purchase a small amount to WIN back my earlier purchase, and then I’m going to bed! Famous last words of a FOOL!
It’s 6AM and I have managed to blow through HALF or more of my paycheck, I feel disgusted, alone, and defeated. I crawl in bed, completely wasted by now, and fall asleep. I wake up a few hours later with my heart racing a hundred miles an hour! WHAT DID I DO? OH MY GOSH! WHAT DID I DO? I can barely remember what I did, but I know I spent too much. Did I spend it all?? I have to get up and go look.
My head is pounding, my hands are shaking and my heart hurts tremendously. I painstakingly login to my Online Casino account and go through each transaction one by one. I want to throw-up, I can’t. I have to act normal, as I don’t want anyone to ask me, “is everything ok?” THE STRESS IS BEYOND what anyone should have to go through!
Over the next week, the same scenario repeats itself until I am completely broke, and beyond. I have managed to spend all my money and a bit more than that, which I will have to make-up when payday hits again, in about two weeks.
How can someone feel this awful, feel like pond scum, wish they weren’t alive, yet continue to repeat the behavior over and over? Someone once told me the definition of INSANITY was – Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result! They might be right.
I’ve been trolling the Forum here, and have seen a few comments about “forgiving yourself” first and then moving forward makes it much easier. I kind of understand this, but if I forgive myself, it’s like saying that this behavior was “OK.” How can I say this was OK, I have hurt myself and my family most of all.
The above story has been a small insight into a typical gambling binge for me; however I have since restricted my access online for a period until June. This didn’t however STOP me on a day that the urge was too strong for me to overcome. I just opened an account in my Husband’s name….Now I am beyond POND SCUM, I am the stuff that feeds off the POND SCUM! I have admitted my wrong doings to him, and have closed that access.
I am a 42 year old Female with a beautiful life, I don’t want to lose the most precious thing I have in my life; my husband. God Bless his Heart! I found this website almost immediately when I searched “gambling addiction.” I am here for support.
Love,
Faith In Me -
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Hi Faith
I’m glad you have join this site and journey to stay sober from gambling.
You are doing yourself and your family a great service by this big step.
God Bless -
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Hello Faith and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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Hi Faith,
Well done for looking for help it takes a lot of courage to express what’s going on in your life with gambling. You’ve come to the right place!
The biggest thing I can suggest to you is lose all access to money, if you have no access it’s impossible to gamble. It’s worked for me. The urges will pass just take step by step and day by day.
You can do this
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