[manjikot]

Hey what’s up guys? New to this forum but I love it. I can relate to every single story. It’s fascinating that all the madness and crazy things I’ve done over the years that made me feel so alienated are so common – I’m not crazy and I’m not alone. It’s so nice to know.

I’ve basically been a problem gambler for the past 12 years. I won a lot of money back then (at the time life changing amount, I was 20) but of course lost it all over the course of less than six months. Not only did I lose the winnings but I lost my savings, my apartment, my girlfriend and other relationships and piled up a huge amount of debt.

If I didn’t have my amazing family to support me I would probably have slept on the streets. I stole, lied, betrayed trust and did what ever I can to keep gambling. I stopped when I did not have any other option left. I swear if I wasn’t a believer in a higher power I probably would have killed myself at some point. People can mock religion all they want but I can honestly say that God saved me regardless if he exists or not.

I was depressed for almost a year but eventually got over it. I thought it was finally over but I kept on relapsing once or twice a year. Every time it made me feel like shit, like I couldn’t trust myself and that it would never end. The feeling of hopelessness and self-loathing was unbeareable at times. Gambling really is a bottomless pit financially and emotionally alike. Everytime I felt like things were under control lightning would strike again.

For every relapse I’ve learned how to kind of hit the breaks earlier and I can accept losses sooner and stop. Nowadays I have a wife and 2 kids to support so I guess that helps. But still I swear if it wasn’t for gambling I would be so well off financially, I’m good with money in every other aspect of my life… oh the irony. I can easily place bet worth thousands of dollars but will think long and hard before any other purchase.

I still relapse hard sometimes and I still tell myself that it’s under control but honestly it’s not. My wife and closest family knows that I used to have problems but they don’t know that I still gamble from time to time. I don’t want to burden her and of course you all know the shame.

So last friday I had another episode. I started placing sportsbets on friday night and kept going none stop all the way to monday evening. It’s crazy how obsessed I get. When I start I can’t think or do anything else. I managed to plus around $11 000.

I don’t know what it was but something was different this time. I could see clearly that actually I wasn’t having fun at all even though I was winning. And I could see how disconnected I felt to my wife and kids and I asked myself “If I just kept on winning forever would I want to? Would I want to live like the past days forever? Does my family deserve this? Do I need it?”. I think it was easier for me to see now since I’m in a really good place in my life right now.

In a way I wanted to lose my winnings so I could just stop the session and get back to real life because I didn’t sleep for days and barely ate anything. And I realised that things could easily have gone the other way if I didn’t win my first bets. I realised how lucky one has to be to actually win.

So after I placed a losing bet and felt the urge to keep going I just said to myself enough is enough. I need to deal with this. I usually feel like this when I lost a lot or don’t have any other option but feeling like this when I’m ahead was new to me. So I stopped, cashed out my winnings and closed all my accounts. I installed an app called Betblocker on my phone and computer and I don’t know how to bypass it. I even installed it on all my family members devices just because I know what I’m capable of. I currently live in a country where I have to use VPN to even gamble so I got rid of my VPN subscriptions as well. Gambling is actually illegal here so to physically gamble is not possible.

I started doing more research about gambling addiction and I found some amazing forums online. This is my day 2 without gambling, even though I usually don’t gamble for months or even years sometimes without actually quitting I’m still gonna count days just to make me more aware of my problem. The moment I think everything is well and under control is when I lose it. It’s been a rough 12 years but I’m hopefully ready to embrace other things in life.

The day after I actually felt a strong urge to gamble, probably due to the fact that I was ahead this time and could probably justify it that way but I gave up pretty fast, I couldn’t get pass the Betblocker. I’m really happy for that.

Anyways, just wanted to share my story since I felt so inspired by all yours.

We can do it.

[velvet]

Hello Manjikot and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[manjikot]

Day 3: Like I said this is my first time quitting while I’m ahead and I have to say the urge is stronger than ever. Been thinking a lot about gambling and checking up on results I would have played if I was gambling. Even though I have a lot more money now than before my last episode started I still feel worse now. Is one of the withdrawal symptoms depression? Because I sure didn’t feel like this before I started to gamble last week. It’s like I’m very emotional and very easily irritated. If I didn’t have Betblocker installed on literally every device available I would have gambled for sure. I even considered buying a new cheap phone to be able to gamble. Sick huh? I’m not even chasing losses. Guess my mind really just loves the high. Anyways, I’m not giving in today but I’m telling you it’s not easy.

[Steev]

I know that when I made the decision to stop gambling – and then relapsed, the feeling was a lot worse then when I was just in action before the decision to stop.
That makes sense because there is a feeling of failure which I had when I gave into my urges. I’m not even capable of “not doing” something.
The more I read about how our brains are wired – the more I realised that not giving into urges is just part and parcel of what it means to be addicted – and saying “no” to the brain isn’t at all easy.
One word of warning though – there is a school of thought that says the relapse starts before the bet is placed – in other words, the thoughts of gambling – the checking of results etc. should be seen as a warning to you. Try not to do it – I know easier said than done.
One thing you could consider – if you are looking forward to a new life without gambling – make plans for it now. What do you want that to look like? What new things do you want in your life to replace the time and effort you spent in gambling. You say you have a little money – so treat yourself to something that will be useful in your “new life.” For me it might be new photography equipment – or a ticket to somewhere new. For you …. ?
Get good support for yourself – needed in the early days. Use the 1-2-1 here or the support groups (times are on that section of the forum) – check the internet for other online groups if there is nothing in your country. Is there anyone close you can talk to? Keep strong and you can come through this.

[joyceg33]

It is very rare that we quit while we’re ahead and I commend you for that. I read and reread your story…. you should do the same everytime you have the urge.

The reason you should never place another bet is in your second paragraph and because you have a wife and two kiddos that will be affected. Families, most the time, will be there for each other when times get tough… but they too get fed up and lose trust when we continue to betray or take advantage of it. They definitely don’t deserve that. We become selfish in this addiction and better people without it.

The addiction is the ongoing battle but if you find something else or your kids’ activities to spend your time in, maybe that will help with the urges. I’m definitely battling the same things you are. I will look for sales and buy cheap things, but will have no qualms betting hundreds and thousands of dollars. It is ridiculous! That has to stop and only we have the power to stop it.

Knowing that we could’ve been in a much better financial situation without the gambling is a horrible feeling. I have to tell myself all the bad things gambling resulted in. Reading everyone’s journal is proof of that.

Thank you for sharing your story and making me rethink mine. We can do this! Take care and be safe.

[manjikot]

So yeah I thought I should update you guys on my progress.

I managed to stay away from gambling for a few days after this post but then I got back into it. Gambled for a week, I manage to plus another 5k usd but then I lost it. But I managed to hit the breaks and I’m still ahead by a lot even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

The betblocker apps and such didn’t do it for me, those apps are easy to bypass.

But I did something that Im really proud of. I opened up to my wife about my struggle. It’s one thing to do this when you’ve lost it all and dont have any other option, but I managed to do it while I’m still ahead and my life and finances are in order. It feels great Im telling you guys. I asked her to read up on gambling addiction to get a better understanding.

I also gave her total control of our finances because I dont trust myself at the moment.

After our conversation I have not felt the urge to gamble and I feel more connected to my wife than ever. You cant put a price on that.

So yeah I guess the key is connection and communication.

I feel really hopeful, I have a well paid job, my finances are healthy and I dont have to worry about gambling.

This is my Day 7 and I feel awesome.

[Seanraj4731]

Hi manjikot
You ought to be thankful man. Your wife is standing with you by your side. Unfortunately my situation is different so i am urging others who got their love ones love and support to be honest and tell them everything. I did and well it didnt work out for me. Be thankful man. Do the right thing and let them trust you all over again by being honest always. Keep it up man i urge to post everyday on this site man. It will help. This site i need to be addicted to right now to express how i felt. Continue to stay positive man. You can do this you are doing this to rise above the sinking ground.

[Steev]

Congratulations on your 7 days.  Also on admitting to your wife that you have a gambling problem.  I am glad that she is able to support you in this as I do feel we need all the support we can get – especially in the early days.

It may be as well to see if she will look at some of the families and friends posts in the forum here … I say this because I know that you will change in your recovery.  She will need to be prepared for this and if she is then it should pull you together rather than apart.

I hope you feel that you can keep us posted on your progress and once again well done on coming clean to your loved one.

[manjikot]

Hey guys, just want to give you a quick update:

This is my day 27 without gambling and I feel great. No strong urges yet.

Just want to share what has been some key factors for me so far.

• Connection and support. I told my wife about my struggle and asked her to read more about gambling addiction to understand it better.

• Apps like betblocker and gamban did nothing for me, they are way to easy to by pass. Instead my wife is total control of our finances. I am the bread winner in our family but still I had to let go of ego and pride and be real about my problem. So now it’s really hard for me to gamble even if I wanted to. And even if I did she would find out, that’s reason enough for me not to.

• Be sincere in your quest to stop gambling. Do you want to quit? I mean are you really ready to leave gambling behind? Or is quitting just a temporary fix and a way for you to feel better since you already lost it all? For me this was important, I decided to stop while I was ahead and still could gamble a lot if I wanted to.

• Be aware of your thoughts. I realised after so many failures that gambling itself was not the biggest problem. Gambling was my support when I had a fight with my wife, when I was feeling stressed or sad. when I needed to zoom out and forget. If I had money problems gambling was there to offer a solution. It was a coping mechanism, a way to escape reality when things got rough. I think the same mechanics are at play in any kind of addiction, for example drug abuse. We need to find alternate healthy ways to connect and find stress relief.

• This is a life sentence. Never leave your guard down. Don’t get too comfortable. It’s never over. I’m sure it gets easier but this addiction can strike any time and leave you broke in a matter of hours. Never forget the pain and misery.

I’m sorry if a come off or mr knowitall or wannabe gambling addiction expert – I’m not. I’ve had long stretches without gambling before, sometimes as long as a year, but I still relapsed. Today is only day 27 but yeah, I honestly wanted to stop this time. My failed attempts usually wasn’t even me trying to stop, I just lost all my money and forgot about it. This time I made active decision to stop, to really work on it. To take action to stay gambling free is different than just not gamble.

Anyways, I feel great guys. Also I’m more willing to spend money on the kids and wife for a lot of fun stuff nowadays because I feel I already saved so much from not gambling. I was never cheap really just very careful with spending. Not gambling makes me wanna enjoy my money on other things. Like I said before I make good money but gamblling always held me back. Now I can start setting up financial goals and feel confident abour them.

Thanks guys.

[Ryan123678]

27 days is great.
You don’t come across as a know it all some good useful tips there that I’m sure we can all take something from.
I’m glad you have the support of loved ones and can enjoy more time with them.
Have a good Christmas.

[Steev]

That was a great list – and there is just one thing that I would like to comment on.

You say, “This is a life sentence.” I agree that being a non-gambler is for life – but I try not to think of it in those terms.

After 10 + years I have reached a point where I don’t even consider gambling – it is simply not part of my life anymore. And unlike a life sentence in a prison – I feel absolutely free. In fact, looking back at all the hours I spent enclosed in arcades and casinos – being able to walk in the fresh air feels like an escape from it all.

It is probably just in the language we use – but look at non-gambling as freedom, not a life sentence and keep on enjoying life. I wish you a happy Christmas.

[Seanraj4731]

Happy merry xmas. Happyto read that you are doing great. Wonderful you are observing where this habit had you and as you continue i strongly urge you to stay positive. You are an amazing person. Thank you. 

[manjikot]

Wow nice man. That’s really reassuring. Appreciate it, thanks.

I bet you worked hard for it though. You were forced to grow as a person and I guess that’s more important than anything – being willing to change. 

Congrats on your success.

[manjikot]

Thanks man that’s really nice of you.

[i-did-it]

Hi Manjikot
A huge congratulations on your gamble free time. I hope you are looking forward to a wonderful gamble -free new Year. It is really helpful when people share what has worked for them; and it seems everyone has their own path to recovery.

You are reaping the rewards of your honesty with your wife and your absolute determination to do whatever it takes , no matter how uncomfortable, to live a gamble free life.

I hope you have the most wonderful 2020!

[manjikot]

Hey guys,

Still going strong. This is my day 36. I feel confident and strong but most of all grateful. Knowing where the gambling road ends for a lot of people keeps me motivated.

I just wanna say, it all comes down to will power. Yes, setting up barriers is vital of course to give you some time to reflect when the urge kicks in but if I really wanted to gamble like I used to I would easily find a way. There is always a way.

Did I have the urge to gamble? Hard to say, sure it did cross my mind at some point but I just felt too good and happy to want to spoil all my progress. In a sense not gambling is giving me a high and satisfaction that feels way better than gambling.

Guys I just want to say thanks for all the support. There are so many beautiful souls on this forun. So many kind words and so much support. It really makes me think you know, how people who been through some tough shit are the ones with the biggest hearts. Just have a look at your facebook feed and read the comments, so much hate and ridicule. So many unkind words and lack of empathy. This forum is the opposite. All I see here is love and it is a great reminder to myself that there are so many wonderful people out there.

None of you deserve all the shit that happened to you. Sometumes it just comes down to bad luck, life itself is a big gamble. We cant control the past but we have a saying about our future. Our pasts does not define us.

I’m gonna keep going and maybe, just maybe then I can inspire at least one person to do the same and that’s more than enough for me.

[manjikot]

Day 56

I’m still sober guys. No real urges at all. Still, I’m not letting down my guard. Dont want to get too comfortable, but I feel very confident.

It’s crazy once you have not gambled for a while and think about how obsessed and emotionally invested you were while gambling it’s hard to relate to yourself, feels like a different person. You really go crazy in the bottomless pit that is gambling.

All the best.

[Steev]

You said, “It’s crazy once you have not gambled for a while and think about how obsessed and emotionally invested you were while gambling it’s hard to relate to yourself, feels like a different person.”

I so identify with that. I look back on my life when I was in my 20s and 30s and think – why why why? I am not sure which was worse when I was in my teens and 20s when I didn’t really know the damage I was doing to myself, or when I was in my 30s when I did know and carried on anyway!

Willpower is a big part of stopping, but also feeling compassion for yourself and realising that there is no need to keep hurting … Keep strong!

[ReadyToQuitNow48]

OMG I have been a gambler for about 20 years on and off and have seriously had enough and really want to stop for good. I feel I don’t stop is because I don’t put in 100% into fighting my urges and keeping up Councelling and online support. I am a pokie addict and it is totally ruining my life. I don’t have credit cards or I can’t get loans bad bad credit. I don’t have a partner or a job. I am a single mum with 3 precious kids. So I receive a benefit one good thing I pay important bills every week/fortnight. What I do use is money left that I should be keeping for emergencies, saving or buying extras we need. I hate it and always end up with nothing. Then I fall into depression sickness. I have had enough I made appt with a counsellor and I am going to put 100% in this time and take day by day. I am so very appreciative of any help for my recovery. It is so nice to talk about it. I am nothing but a liar and irresponsible and ready to change. I wish the best to everybody in recovery.
S.

[manjikot]

You said:

“I am nothing but a liar”

That is 100 % not true. Gambling really is the devils trap, in my opinion it’s by far the worst addiction. You are sick, but you are not your disease. 

I think that is one of the worst things with gambling, you sort of became this obsessive animal acting on instinct under the spell/hypnosis that is gambling. Long enough in this state makes you forget who you were and you start thinking that this is who you are. It’s not. 

You are fighting this disease and that takes guts. Respect to you. You can do it, you are strong enough. Just take whatever measures you can take to prevent you from gambling, at all cost.

Wish you the best!

[manjikot]

Yeah man, golden years wasted on gambling. Who knows what the future holds though, I’d like to believe the best is still to come. If you’ve been on the bottom and managed to get up, you hopefully appreciate things more. 

[manjikot]

Day 64.

Today was the first day I really felt the urge to gamble since my decision to stop.

I love watching tennis, especially now when it’s a Grand Slam. In the past I also love to gamble on tennis so I did consider placing a bet. I did have the opportunity with some extra cash in hand. But yeah, I thought about my progress and didnt wanna ruin it so I put the money in a safe place.

[Author]

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