[i am hope]

Hello all, I decided to keep another thread though this one i will probably update just when i feel like it, not on a daily basis. Maybe a weekly update or something just to keep track myself and let others know how i am doing too. I found that i was consumed by trying not to gamble, when i stepped away a little and did other things i found it helped me. This site is wonderful and has helped me lots but i started to live and breathe recovery so much that it would often give me urges and have me constantly thinking about gambling all the time. So have taken a step back and had a breather, i find trying to find balance in life has always been a tricky one for me. So here goes.
My last relapse taught me the most that i have ever learnt. Coming here, going to GA, going to counselling, all of these things couldnt stop me gambling. Nothing could stop me gambling because i dont believe i got to the point i needed to. I gambled for Four years. For Two years i have struggled to stop but nonetheless got lots of gamble free time up with some relapses, but had i not done all the required things i would still be out there every day.
For me, personally, not for everyone, i speak for myself, i had to get to a point of being completely ready to let go and surrender, i think we all come here at different stages and phases. For me, my mind would not and could not accept the simple step that i could not gamble for a few hours or with a small amount of money. My mind just wouldnt let that sink in. Talk about stubborn. I feel like i am getting to a place where my brain is finally accepting that i will never be able to gamble. Unless i want it to end in disaster. Then there have been times i am totally baffled by how i got there again. This is addiction. If it were so easy to just stop then sites like this and GA would not even exist.
The level i came here with to begin with was not enough. I had to do 2 more years of on and off research to discover my surrender and release. I dont think i am cured, I gambled not long ago. (Beginning February), but i feel a difference in the way i handle things now and dont constantly think about trying not to gamble. My whole life became focused on just not gambling so much so that every thought was consumed by trying not to gamble or wanting to gamble. From stepping back a little i believe i have found some balance in my life.
I have real struggles with my head, but i am getting better, i am taking medication and i am doing what is best for me right now. i am sick of self destructive behaviour, of hiding away from life. I really want a simple peaceful life that is full of experiences that dont involve gambling. Gambling nearly destroyed me. Sure i lost money, sure i lost self esteem etc but worse i nearly lost my mind and myself. it is going to be a journey to find me again but i feel it just starting to begin. I look forward to this journey. its about time!!
Living with Hope

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