[caesar27]

Feel its going to be a difficult week. Want to buy something and feel i will get money for it by gambling. This is usually what gets me started when i want/ have to buy something, first thing i think of is go gambling to get money. Sometimes i win which would mean gambling the next day and next day until all money gone or spent. Can feel the pressure beginning to build, guess i just met my first test. Determined just to hold out this time and let it pass, it will probaly take most of week to subside and for mind to be calm again. Keeping busy and trying to be always mindful and aware in everything i do.
Also find it dificult in accepting some of the great friends and girlfriend that i have lost forever. Should have known that when i was gambling it was not just money i was gambling it was my life, i was gambling my friends as usually after gambling would not be able to function properly for a few days until the angle and disgust goes. It wasn’t that i didn’t want i talk to them it was just i didnt want people i love around me when i was in hat state . I knew taht after gambling i was not my self, win or lose, and didnt want people to think bad of me or get to not like me because of gambling. Problem is when you are forced to ignore to stay away from them for a day or two in week gradually a crack comes in relationship and it keeps getting wider every time you act like that.Terrible feeling when you see this happening and know its happening but cant stop it. I was in a job where i worked with good friends and just didnt want them to see my falling apart because of gambling , so one i started looking for new job and when got i walked into old job and told boss i leaving . So i just left without saying goodbye to friends and just so embarressed to be around them as they knew me before i started gambling and didnt want them to see me gradually falling apart. Life was terrible for next year, unbelievable so but now i decided to quit and get myself a life. I am religious and i would not like to see my old friends again but know will see them in next life. But sometimes regrets get to me.– 03/07/2011 14:01:41: post edited by CAESAR27.

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