[mr hyde]

I guess the last five years of gambling have been full of low moments that I can wade thru when I am feeling morose and want to bash myself up.
I have let down my family on numerous occasions and they have forgiven me as long as I don’t gamble any more.
My illness works in funny ways – for months I can go just once a week and say spend 50 dollars but even that is a lot for my family.
I earn a good income and am not at rock bottom – I never want to be there as I am sick of debt and even want to close off my credit card I would say only 10 % of that balance is gambling related but in the past all of it would have been gambling related. In the past I have spent alot on my gambling binges but now my husband looks after my bank card and I dont know the PIN number – this has been working well if I do slip then I am limited to like $ 20 but sometimes I convince him to give me more and the bad thing is he has also had gambling issues in the last few years.
But we are hopeful and storng and will stamp out this evil that has sprung up within us .We are a strong couple and have been together since 20’s.
Today is day 4 for me I last gambled small amount of money on new years eve…
I am not proud of the things that I have been through in the last few years but what can I do I can’t erase them. I have apologised profusely to my child who is 12 and  old enough to understand luckily she wasn’t exposed to many episodes / arguments she has everything that she needs and then some. She is an only child and spolit rotten.
Sometimes the urges are so intense it affects my breathing  like today after work. I know what my trriggers are and I feel so empowereed right now there is no way in hell I am going back to the person that I was about 2 years ago. 
I have been getting better gradually over the last few years – I went to GA meetings in the past – but am a very private person and work in an industry that I prefer alot of peolple didn’t know that I used to gamble I guess I mean I get paranoid.
Keeping the faith .

[Author]

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