[Hope1]

I don’t like this site cos it’s all about the horrible things associated with gambling, no positives so that’s why I am back to harp on about how ill I feel, how desperate I feel, how I feel so shattered. I have lost all hope for my son. We have had six terrible years, then suddenly we got hope from GM. But that’s gone, now I have really lost hope. I have lost my son, I just need to come to terms with it. I never give up, I have massive strength but this time I’m done in, I’m defeated

[velvet]

Dear Anni
I get what you mean about hating the site but I don’t think you would be posting if you didn’t believe that for all the bad there must be good here too.
I would love to hear more about you and your son and maybe I can give you some support during this seemingly hopeless situation. As the mother of a CG I know where you are coming from and the depths of misery you are finding yourself in following the ray of hope that was snuffed out after your son went to Gordon House.
You have said ‘we’ so I am wondering if you have a husband/partner to support you at this time. I hope you don’t find me intrusive and I know I am generalising but often husbands, partners, families give up before mothers and their seeming disinterest adds to the overwhelming misery. I know I am surmising and I hope you will post again and put me straight.
I can hear your strength and I am glad of it. I hope you will feel you can share with me because I know that my son will always a CG just like yours so I know how hard this post must have been for you to write.
I have a group on Tuesdays 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we communcate in real time – it is for Friends and Families only and nothing said in that group leaves the room. We are able to be very open and I believe it is a place of comfort from which members gain strength. Our helpline is one-to-one Anni and it is manned by at least one CG who has been through Gordon House and is living in control of the addiction to gamble – maybe it would help to talk there, I don’t think anybody could understand more than someone who has been in your son’s shoes – it is private and you can express your feelings safely.
It probably is just a matter of coming to terms but my gosh I know the terms are terrible to contemplate. There are positives Anni and maybe between us we can find them – I hope so.
I wish you well and hope you will post again
Velvet

[Anonymous]

Hi Anni, it might be worth your while reading some of the stories on the forum for those who gamble. You will find lots of really positive stories of how people have turned their lives around. I am one such person, and I don’t know your story, but I know there were times when I felt lost in this gambling disorder. However , I somehow found my way back.

However, looking back I wasn’t lost, I was just overwhelmed by it. My greatest hope was to get past the awful compulsion, which seemed to take all my energy , feeding it or fighting it.
I guess I also listened to people who defined me by this disorder. I don’t anymore .

I got great help and support from most people on this site, although like you I found some of it horrible too.

I actually also took a supplement which research has shown helps reduce gambling urges.. I am not in anyway medically qualified and can’t recommend any supplement or even a drug to anyone. However, I feel I can’t withhold what helped me. It is a supplement called NAC which you can get from a health food shop.

I think (if you will please excuse me being presumptuous) that your son is not lost to you, he is simply overwhelmed by this gambling disorder at the moment . I can tell from your short post what a loving mother you are, and I wish I could help take your pain away.
I too have a son and he is my life , and I understand how when we see our children struggle,the pain is magnified so many times for us parents.

I will pray for your son Anni, and for you too, that you will both get freedom from this horrible, destructive disorder! You both deserve it!

[Hope1]

I really appreciated your post, especially as you are the mother of a CG. I am very fortunate as my husband is much like me, we seem to be in the same position, but, it’s impossible to know that completely,because our mind and its contents Are very much our own. We are both continuing to support our son, despite the traumas. I have been worried about my husband as he is usually so strong and positive, but this latest incident has floored both of us but my husband has been really emotional. He never takes sick leave, but on this occasion he did , his health is concerning me. He says he feels devastated that our CG son can’t talk to him about when he is down. We have two other children, and they are amazing. They are very much part of our strong family unit, and I know I am lucky in that they are great people, they are beautiful on the inside and out. Our son who is a CG was also beautiful on the inside, loving, smart, caring, family orientated. Our middle son is so angry with his brother as is our daughter. They can see what he is doing to himself. To me and my husband and to them. My son thinks we should just get our CG son to move out of our home. He says we have drawn a line too many times and given our CG son too may chances. On this last occasion our CG son once again stole a substantial amount of money from us. Again. How many times can we put up with this? The thing I really can’t get my head around is why do they steal from those who love him, it’s the deviousness, the clever ways they manipulate, the lies, the deceit. All this is worse than the money they take. I’m concerned co I think we haven’t been strict enough, that we have made things worse by looking after him. Our other tow children are disgusted with our CG son, they are so angry, and inside so am I. A few days ago I felt like accepting that he was not going to move on, and I felt like giving up on him, mainly because he treats us so badly and it’s all about him. I love him, and I don’t like saying this but I hate who he is at the moment. So I suppose I need to believe that our son can find himself and be who he was…. A loving caring person. He doesn’t like who he is but despite have an amazing experience at GM and coming away with his toolbox, he has so quickly put them in the attic gathering dust. He really annoys me. Because sometimes I think he thinks he is too good to start at the bottom, but he had every chance in life, full support T uni, a loving family support network, great friends , an amazing girlfriend. I am sick of the suicide threats, I am sick of the moods, I am sick of the delusion, I am sick of the lies, the deceit the refusal to talk, which is what he said was so important after leaving GM and I am tired of him abusing us. I am really trying to be positive with him, but I really am feeling close to the edge, and at the point where I want to ……………………….” The last incident felt so déjàvou been here, got the tee shirt, same old same old. I am angry, but I still want home to find himself. He doesn’t seem to have the staying power, to work through the difficult times he will have with very little money et . So where amI??????? Where am I?????? I pray to God that he will give me strength, and that my son will find his pathway to happiness Tired Nd exhausted

[Hope1]

thank you sad 69. I am going to use the site and hopefully find something. The fact that you have been in recovery for a long time gives me hope, but at the moment I am feeling so low about the position my son is in at the moment. You. Say you felt lost. I think my son feels the same, thing is he can’t really know how lost I feel , and even though he is sorry when he has made a if mess up, he goes on to do it again, I am weary, but thanks for praying for me… Even though I feel low, I have taken a positive approach with our son, when he was in bed after the recent relapse wallowing in self pity, I told him to man up accept what he had done wrong move on and get back on track and that we would support him. I can’t keep up this approach much longer so I hope I. Going to get support to manage this situation realistically. Honestly though I get so mad. I feel so angry with all th gambling shops and the government for not addressing the severity of the gambling problems in the UK. But clearly this is displaced anger. Thanks again

[worriedmama]

Hi Anni
I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler and feel sometimes I could die of a broken heart yet other times am so very angry that I don’t know what to do or where to turn with this anger.
It is such a rollercoaster being at the mercy of their emotions. You try to be firm and not enable and you get the suicide threats which feels like you’ve been punched in the gut.
I realize how badly they are hurting but the same song and dance doesn’t get us anywhere. I too am sick of the moods, the lies, the suicide threats , the hours spent in bed after a relapse… the list goes on. It’s exhausting and has affected all our family members so much.
I have started attending Gam Anon and there is such support. People who understand your frustrations and your fears. It certainly won’t “cure” your son but will help you focus on the other parts of your life.
((Hugs)) from one mom to another!
Cathy

[Hope1]

I can see we have been in the same place, I am going to go to a group, but will it ever end? Is there a point where you ask them to leave? Our son lives with us, but we are at the point now of telling him he has to move out if he financially abuses us again. We sound at a similar point, our son is 26 and has bee gambling sine he was at least 20 maybe earlier. Are u a UK resident and are you talking about gam on on in UK? Does your son live with you?

[Hope1]

When you said the same song and dance that resonates so much with me, yes it is the same song and dance we have been here so many times and I’m sick of it, I am weary and angry xxx thanks for your share but will they get sorted. It’s the loss of hope that worries me. I believe in him S I knew him, but I feel I don’t really know him. Clearly for me it’s the lies, deceit, the manipulatin, the devious cunning nature that is repulsive.

[vera]

Hi Anni,
I’m so sorry to hear your son is causing such trauma for you and your family. I have a son who created havoc in our home to the point where he abused us verbally and acted out whenever things weren’t going HIS way or when he felt people (me , usually) “were pushing his buttons”. His behaviour was not related to gambling but the hurt was similar to your’s in many ways. As you described, it was “ALL ABOUT HIM”. It became so tiring, I just could not stick it any longer . It was affecting my health, family relationships and we were doing him no favour by condoning his nonsense. Eventually, I just had to “show him the door”. Nobody can tell you what action to take with your son Anni. I’m just writing, as a mother to empathize with you in this awful plight.
I also have some insight into the workings of a gambler’s mind. In the aftermath of gambling Life becomes scary as HELL. After all the chaos and disaster, reality finally hits and take it from me it is VERY painful.
As well as being a mother, I have the misfortune to be a Compulsive Gambler. Therefore I can see both sides of the problem.
You say you “support” your son.
Gamblers have a knack of abusing that support, Anni.
Time for Tough Love, maybe?

[worriedmama]

My son is 26 and has been gambling compulsively since he was about 19. It has taken both he and the rest of my family (husband, older son and younger daughter) to hell and back. It is a relentless addiction that can take anybody in its path down with it. I do feel devastated that the powers that be bestowed this addiction on my son but at the same time we soon realize that the sympathy route goes nowhere fast! The addiction is just waiting for that little opening to bury itself back in to his life. This really is up to them to sort out but it is so painful having to watch your child struggle. I too am like you … will this ever end?
We are in Canada. I go to Gam Anon once a week. In our city there is only 1 Gam Anon. I would love to do the chats on here with Velvet et al but the time difference makes it impossible:(.
My son has been going to GA for about 1 1/2 years and it really has helped I think. He is comfortable there and hopefully can be honest. He does still relapse and I feel like I am brought right back to Day 1 after this. Recovery – both ours and theirs – is a hell of a lot of work!
He was living with a friend but this friend had to move for work and my son couldn’t afford the rent on his own so he has been back for 2 months. I can be his worst enabler (which is something I really work on ) by feeling sorry for him and while never giving him money let him live rent free to help him use his earnings to pay off debt. This never works!
I could go on and on as I have been very frustrated lately (obviously by the ranting on my post!).
Try a Gam Anon meeting and if the timing works for you a chat meeting… talking and writing help to give you the support you need!
Cathy

[Hope1]

Thanks unity, but you say you are a CG and you say gamblers have the knack of abusing support, which clearly I am experiencing
As a CG are you saying you continue to abuse support. I appreciate what you are saying about your son, The issues I have with mine are all around gambling, we had no issues as him as a person before the gambling, so I hope you don’t mind me saying, that I am not clear on the point you are making and I mean this in the nicest way

[Hope1]

Thanks Cathy, I thought you weren’t UK based by your term ‘mom’ Sound like we are in a similar position. And the ages are the same including the timeline of it starting at 18 to 19. I’m going to access velvety group on Tuesday. And think about a gam anon group. We have drawn, yet another line under this latest episode, and if he abuses us again or doesn’t stick to the rules, we will be asking him to leave. I have already got a list of bed sit accomm and given it to him because we have two other children, like you and we have our life, we are approaching retirement and it’s our time, so I do feel that I will really stick to our promise to him, that he must move out if he abuses us or does not stick to the rules, and I can’t be responsible for all his suicide threats. Thanks again,

[vera]

To clarify, Anni, I can empathize with your feelings as a mother towards a son. Because I am a CG, I can relate to your son’s situation and I feel HIS pain too. These are the two points to my post.
Remember there is a huge difference between a CG who is “active” and a person “in recovery”.
When I am gambling, I am very ashamed to say, I do abuse support. When I stop gambling, like your son, I become a different person.
With the proper help , your son will reach his full potential, hopefully.
Gambling has the capacity to destroy everyone who comes in contact with it.
I wish you and your family well.

[Anonymous]

Wow Anni, it was lovely to speak with you in group the other night.

I just caught up on this. I am beyond impressed. I want to hug you and promise you all will be ok, but of course I can’t .

I am beyond impressed because
1. He trusts you enough for you to know when he has slipped (WOW!WOW!WOW)
(Secrecy is the thing that allows the addiction to thrive and yet honesty is so hard. What an amazing mother you are. I hope as my son gets older he has the same trust in me)

2. You told him to man up and move on.This is great for him. It is saying u have made mistakes but you can get past them. There is a better future . You have given him hope which is so important after gambling .

3. You said you would support him. ( emotional support is invaluable and it is clear that you always have)

4. You recognise that he is a lovely person when he is not up in the craziness of this addiction, and he will know that you see this.

I think you handled it so well. Your son will have been very low coming down his latest “fix” , but as a mother I understand that when our children are in trouble there is no pain like that which a mother suffers. My prayers again !

You also recognise the importance of the other members of you family and don’t allow it to be all about the person with a gambling disorder. This gives strength to the other member s of your family .

I hope this is your son back in recovery Forever Anni.

Would your son consider joining this site? The groups for people with a gambling disorder are excellent and the staff are incredibly supportive in these.

[Hope1]

Thanks for your comments, I may seem that I’ve handled it well, but I know that there’s much I can improve on, I know that I can’t be an enabler, that is vitally important. I say what i say to my son always with the best intention, sometimes because of my frustration and anger it doesn’t alway come out as it should. I felt I was losing heart, yet I know from reading some of velvet thread that it is possible for people to be in long term recovery. It’s such a hard journey for the CG. And me. My son has been lucky enough to have been on the GM programme, so I am grateful that 1 he accepted he had a problem, and 2 he was responsive to help. It’s just so important he uses the tools on a day to day basis. Thanks again

[velvet]

Hi Anni
I am really glad that you and your husband are united over your son’s problems – the addiction is divisive and so often couples struggle with each other.
With regard to your other children, I have dug up a thread I wrote entitled ‘Siblings’ because when addiction is in your home everyone is affected – I hope it helps.
Your son went through the GM programme Anni but it seems he didn’t take on board all that there was on offer – we have an ex-residents group on Monday evenings at 7pm where he could maybe do some rethinking, like all the other groups he can be as anonymous as he likes. The ex-residents understand the pressures of taking the tools into their lives and struggling – nobody could ever say recovery is easy. I have heard the process described as a seed planted that needs nurturing to become strong – the blossom comes a lot later.
When my son left GMA I was terrified of making a mess of things just in case this really was a true bid for a gamble-free life, I wanted to back the programme up but of course I had no knowledge of how to do so. Through fear, not judgement, I asked him to help me understand because I wanted to get things right, and I soon realised he had to learn to trust me! He had learned to open up and talk on the programme but he was reticent with us for a very long time – I suppose it was to protect him from the backlash he was obviously expecting – and which he received from others. Whereas you and your husband are doing your best not everybody is prepared to let him ‘get away with it’ and you cannot protect him from the anger of others.
So my thought is that if he could/would talk to his old support worker, go in the ex-resident’s group or talk to the Helpline here, he may be able to say what has gone wrong for him, just as he did when he was on the programme.
The devastation that your husband is feeling when his son will not talk to him is felt by all who travel this lonely road. Early days of recovery are, in my opinion, tougher in many ways for F&F than the active addiction days. The GM programme probably felt like the Last Chance Saloon to you – I know it did to me, so with that hope dashed the world has caved in and you are left feeling as you do now. The invisible walls your husband wants to break down can be destroyed but in the meantime with knowledge of the addiction it will become easier for you to see your way forward. You can get masses of information on this forum about how to cope with your son’s addiction – we can be totally open in an F&F group.
Speak soon
Velvet

[Hope1]

Thank you so much for this velvet, every word you have written here is exactly how I feel, it mirrors what is going on in my life and in my heart, so thank you.
I know the recovery is hard, and whilst I can never know how my son feels, I know I am feeling pain for him.
I know he is feeling lost and tired at the moment. I am joining family and friends chat tonight. Thanks again

[worriedmama]

Joining the F&F chat will be the perfect medicine for you! We all need support. I think as a parent we feel that this is ours to solve, to fix, to make all right and don’t realize that we are slowly dying ourselves.
You love your son and have done everything humanly possible to help but now its time to help you!
Wish I could join you!

[Hope1]

Thanks worried mama for yor concern , appreciate.
Just bee n on F an F. It was good, but my the time goes quick. Hope I am using it correctly, I feel bad just talking about myself
I tried to chip in with stuff, it just takes so long to get the issues out. Forgive me if I’m not using it right.
I found it helpful, but sad to hear stud sad things, like break ups. It’s the future I worry about for my son. The uncertainty, but then again, who is certain about the future. Velvet, did your son find happiness and purpose? It’s seems he did, I think I need to hear about success and how the joirney to success was achieved

[worriedmama]

Sadly I can’t participate in the chat as I think I am 8 hours behind you guys and I am still at work!
I know that feeling of worrying about the future for your son. I just want him to be able to have a partner and children (if he wants) but on the other hand until he has found lasting recovery that would be so unfair on a partner.
He has tried different types of therapy (mainly 1-on-1) but quite honestly I don’t think he was ready as he didn’t believe compulsive gambling could be something he couldn’t control. We don’t have anything like GM where I live. He has had his most success with GA. At first it was difficult as he was the youngest but he has been going for 1 1/2 years and is very comfortable. I have certainly seen a ton of change in him for the better though there have been relapses ( slips ). I think for both our sons they at least have some recovery behind them and are not in denial that there is a problem so I do think they will get there!
I may be off base with this opinion but I also feel because they are fairly young men their brains don’t grasp the seriousness of this illness. They don’t have enough life experience to feel the loss it can create? Not sure what you think about that.
There is always hope Anni and even if its 1 step forward 2 steps back they are making progress!

[velvet]

Dear Anni
I am wondering if you are worrying that the future for your son will be bleaker than his siblings and peers. Basing my opinion on CGs I have actually seen taking control of their lives many take exceptional paths possibly/probably as a result of owning this addiction.
I apologise if the following sentence sounds judgemental – I just know how I was. I would imagine that before your son went into GMA you felt as though you were constantly pleading with him to change his life, checking on his behaviour, questioning his lies, crying, shouting, threatening, anything and everything to make him listen. When he went through rehab and determined to change his life he couldn’t know that you would not have those same questions and thoughts still in your head even if you were not voicing them, he couldn’t know when they might erupt again. Families do not necessarily have the right counselling when their loved ones are away but hopefully during the absence they will have looked after themselves and gained strength from not having the addiction in the home – undoubtedly they will therefore, in my view, have changed too. Trust is two-way and it takes a long, long time for everybody to find their way forward with new criteria.
Reunited again with the loved one and praying that things have changed (but not knowing if they really have) the family treads warily. How do I behave? Can I trust; do I forgive; do I encourage; do I praise effort? Do I mention x y z? Do I speak if I feel worried again? What if…….?
Your son is doing something today that suggests he is in possession of his tools – returning to base means, I believe, that he knows where to go when his recovery is wavering. It doesn’t mean he didn’t find support away from the rehab, it suggests he recognised that he was still in need of support of a different kind – and that is healthy and good.
When I first posted on this site only F&F living with an active addiction were considered in need of support. What came after the CG had determined to live gamble-free was not considered important for F&F – after all what more support could ‘they’ possibly want? I believe that this is probably the most worrying time – the pressure of getting it right can be overwhelming. So please keep talking Anni, it is a long, slow process and there will be ups and downs for a long time. Slips are not compulsory but it would be naïve to suggest they do not occur for many, however, they need not necessarily be negative, they are often a wake-up call that strengthens resolve.
You did use the group correctly but please never worry about hogging the floor – it is my job to ensure that everybody gets their support and I usually ‘know’ everybody from previous groups and shared posts on the forum.
To answer your question – yes my son has definitely found purpose and happiness and I am happy to tell you I personally know many others who have done so too.
Velvet

[Hope1]

You are right in every way Velvet. I do worry for his future, and I know that is one of his worries too. He has told me he feels far behind his peers, they have done the uni, moved out of the family home, have jobs, careers etc. I think he is feeling that’s it’s a long path and hill to climb. I think I give positive encouragement, by saying he needs to find peace and happiness from within, then everything else will fall into place.
He has recognised that he didn’t respond to the warning signs and he slipped into old habits. But the good news he has seen the after care support worker at GM this week, and I am hoping he will get on board with the support groups.
One of the things that does get me down is having to lock things away in my own home, the fear of him taking for us again because it does put a big dint in our finances. Although it’s not about the money, it is the taking of what isn’t his that is so annoying. Especially when both me and my husband still work hard. He has this thing about drawing the line under it, and he doesn’t like if I mention what he’s done, he just says he feels bad enough. When he came out of GM and it was all positive, I never went back on old ground, I kept positive, of course in this last relapse, it all came flooding to the surface. I am back on an even keel of positivity, and I don’t bring up the past in a negative way, but if I see any signs, I will tell him, we have been here before. I’m hoping it won’t come to that. I am looking forward to having a chat with him about his session at GM, he was positive when he got back. I really do appreciate you stories of success Velvet, are you able to give more information on the successes , etc, just snippets, Because, I think that is helpful. When I went to. GAM AM meeting the family version of GA the recovering gamblers kindly invited us into their group, I saw for myself that people had moved on in a positive way and had turned their lives around. I got really emotional because their stories were so familiar. I know each of us have our own journey and we are all different. I am just hoping and praying with all my hear and soul, that this time will be good. This takes energy, and I have been feeling really tired and low with it all. I have gone back on antidepressants, because my doctor thought I really needed to. Do you think I should let my son read my posts so he knows really how I feel, because just writing here somehow gives me freedom to let it all out, or is that not good for therapeutic reasons? For him? He is loving and sensitive, and when he is not in that bad place, I think he knows how what he has done has affected us. I have got him to sign an agreement re his behaviour and what would constitute him having to leave the family home. But for now I am in hope. Sorry to rant on so much. Thank you again for listening. Hope1

[velvet]

Dear Anni
I appreciate that locking things away seems an awful thing to do but it is better than losing possessions and going through the agony of knowing your child has stolen from you. For a while I believe it is better to assume that your son cannot be trusted at all and protect yourself accordingly, however, in my opinion this should be done discreetly because while he is in an early recovery and getting support from GMA it is great if he feels you are totally on his side – you are right he will not be happy being reminded that you are remembering.
I understand completely that when your lives were turned upside down again, the terrible feelings returned and you reminded him that you had all been there before but, in my opinion, the most important thing to do now, with regards to his sessions at GMA, is to listen to him – you may not understand all he says, you may not like what you hear but he is getting the right tools for the job. The time for questions comes later – if they are still relevant.
I am fully aware of CGs wanting to draw a line in the sand and how it can easily be interpreted as ‘look away’, ‘don’t challenge me’. Following rehab it is more difficult for the non-CG to get it right and that is why, I believe, it is important to keep talking here. Your son won’t get everything right straight off; he will be struggling within himself. He needs space to grow and the ability to trust that, if he isn’t behaving quite the way you hoped, you will understand that he is trying. His recovery is not like yours, he has not instantly been gifted with all the insights and logic that you have but he can move mountains given time and understanding.
I cannot tell you what to do but personally I am positive you should not actively encourage your son to read your posts, if he is on this site he may well find them anyway. I know that many CGs do read our forum and they often struggle with what they read because the threads could be written by the people who love them and maybe have not had the ability to speak freely as we do. I believe it is important to write your thread for you own support however and not because it could be read by the CG known to you which is a dangerous precedent.
I firmly believe that it is not a good idea to read the thread of the CG known to you because they need to have the freedom to speak freely. My son did not tell me about his GMA sessions until I was studying to become an addiction therapist about 3 years after he left rehab. He wanted me to succeed and he shared his knowledge and experiences with me without reservation. He told me, for instance, that for a long time, in rehab, he blamed me for his everything – what would I have felt and said if I had known what he was saying? He needed to express himself without me seeing or hearing his words; he needed the support of those who understood him as I could not.
I am really not sure what good any agreement signed by your son can be to him. When an addiction is active such an agreement would be worthless to the CG. I think possibly you have done this for your own protection but, in my view, this document is best locked well away.
Keep posting your thought Anni – you are doing well.
Velvet

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