[cat438]

There are 30 days in April, but we don’t need to think about getting through 30 days, all we need to do is get through today!!!! I know that I don’t think about counting days, all I think is one day at a time. I know that I have times when I feel in a funk and would love to escape and gamble, but I know if I go once then it will be the same old story, as I am powerless once I put a dollar in a machine, as I am a compulsive gambler. I know that one of the times I was back to Day 1 again, Harry said to me have Faith in yourself, and it always stays with me. So what I am saying to everyone is “have Faith in yourself”.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Cat for starting the April-YOU CAN DO IT!! I am starting the month with huge urges stemming from personal problems. I have to remember that gambling isn’t going to solve my problems. I need to solve my problems. I have faith in myself!!!

[vera]

I’m here by the skin of my teeth, Cat!
‘Hope others have faith in me, because some days I don’t have faith in myself.
I do, however have Faith in Someone greater than all of us!
Pray as if everything depends on God.
ACT as if everything depends on us….I’m off to the bank now to transfer more money out of my current account so that I don’t have easy access TODAY!

[cat438]

I read on a post from Liz that coming here makes her accountable, and that is how I feel as well. I am glad to see you posting Vera and so glad that you are putting barriers in place so that you don’t have easy access to money TODAY. I don’t know how many times you posted to me NO MONEY = NO GAMBLING!!! Vera, you have helped me so much in recovery and I pray that you can find the strength to stay away from those machines. I know what you are saying about having Faith in God and I also know that he would want you to have Faith in yourself, the same as you would tell your children to have Faith in themselves. Keep posting Vera there are many here who care about you, and have Faith in you that you can do it!!!! Never ever give up !!!

[vera]

Thanks Cat!!!
(We were both posting at the same time on Lizbeth’s thread.
I notice your response is more tolerant than mine! I’m a bit of a hard liner when it comes to rearing children . The new methods are very frustrating . I see kids kicking their parents for sweets at the check out now. Instant gratification is the name of the game. CGS recognise that a mile off!)

[desdemona]

Today is April Fool’s Day in Canada, and I’m not going to be a fool today, and gamble. I am going to do some productive things today. Carole

[cat438]

I had a bad day at work with one of my staff’s attitude yesterday, and I wanted to run to the Casino. I am relieved that I did not take that route though. I am still annoyed about it today. I have to Let Go Let God. I can sit at a machine watching it go round and lose money or I can deal with it another way. I will keep working on letting it go!!! Just for today I will not gamble.

[vera]

Week 2
Day 1 for me!

[cat438]

You never know when Day 1 is as we try again and again, well at least for me I had many Day 1’s on this journey. Do I think I will never have another Day 1 the answer is I don’t know. I hope and pray that I don’t, but I also know that I could be back to Day 1 in the blink of an eye. It does scare me the thought of going back to Day 1 as I still remember the fighting to stay away, the thoughts and urges. I do still have thoughts of gambling come out of nowhere. I also have what I call a healthy fear of being back sitting at machines. I also know that I am the same distance away from placing my next bet as anyone else. I don’t feel self righteous that I have some gamble free time as I know that the same as anyone here it could just as well be me who is back to Day 1.
I know that Vera used to put a monthly pact up and I don’t know how many of them I started and never saw the month out. I was so focused on getting to the end of the month instead of focusing on today. I would get a few days, a week, two weeks gamble free then blow it. The funny thing is my last be was place on November 1, 2012, but I did not give up even though I had blown the first day. I don’t know why that time was different from all my other Day 1’s. I put barriers in place with cash. I no longer took my cc to access cash and I no longer carried cash with me. I had no cash to gamble with. There have been many times since then when I have had thoughts/urges but I kept thinking of how I would feel after. I hated myself after gambling and the money I lost. It is a difficult thing to accept that you are powerless over something, but I truly am powerless over those machines. We are all different and what works for one does not always work 100% for another. Due to my work situation it was difficult for me to self exclude from the Casinos or go to GA so I went to individual counselling, and also joined GT and found support from fellow compulsive gamblers and the GT staff. I also know there are things that I need to do something about and I am procrastinating about them, and that is my husband’s drinking. I know that I can’t change or control him and I accept that. I know that I am a work in progress and I have to continue to work on me and never ever give up. It’s not easy as sometimes I would love to escape to a Casino for just a little while. I know for me there is no such thing as just a little while with those machines and all I would be doing is feeding the addiction/compulsive gambler in me. I will continue to take it one day at a time!!!! Day 1 can be any day of the week or month!!!

[finding_laura]

It can be scary to put a voice to our thoughts and feelings, especially a written voice, where it is there to look back at us in black in white. I have been having gambling urges and binging on sweets! Almost daily I have thoughts that I’m with the wrong person and that I don’t know if I really feel connected or loved. It feels like too little too late is being offered. But I’ve been in that place before and continued on with my marriage. This is me putting a voice to MY fears. Thanks Cat for the thread. Laura

[cat438]

I suppose we could say marriage and recovery have a lot in common. We have to work at them to make it work. I have been married so long that through the years there have been many ups and downs. I have changed over the years and I am more independent now than I was when I was 20 when we got married. I suppose I was just a kid then, but I did not feel that way. Now 3 kids and 3 grandkids later I now have barriers in place as to what is acceptable. It takes a while to change the way you think about what is acceptable to you in the way you will accept being treated. I am a work in progress, by the time I am finished with this work I will be a masterpiece LOL One day at a time is the only way to go. I cant change everything overnight, but I can keep working at it.

[vera]

April 9th will be a G free day.
(happy Cat?)
I have been G free every day in April except for approx 8 hours so in effect I have had a clear run so far this month. Those 8 hours almost destroyed me, so if anyone is thinking of “having fun for a few hours”, FORGET IT!
The peace that being free is worth more than all the “wins” gambling can ever give because as we all know,
CGs NEVER win!

[cat438]

Vera that is a good question, am I happy. I love my husband and could not imagine life without him. Is the passion there that we had when we were younger, no. If I could change one thing then it would be that my husband did not drink. I know that I can’t control that and I am working on accepting that. I know that I need to do something for me and his drinking and I am finding ways to deal with it. I am happy with my life and grateful for the many blessings that I have. I sometimes forget to be grateful for what I have and focus more on what I don’t have. I feel as if I am making progress since I came to GT. It is really the saying “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”. It all goes back to one day at a time. I know that I do not plan on gambling today!!!

[cat438]

I cant believe how fast the month is going. It’s already April 17, and yet there was a time that it seemed to go so slowly. I don’t think about getting through the month, all I think about is today. I find it interesting that it depends where we are in recovery on how long a month seems. I think back to how many times I dreaded posting on the monthly pact as Vera called it. I would start of the month so sure that I would get through it without gambling. I don’t know if I really believed it, but I would keep trying. I now know that it is a continual daily pledge that I do and not a month. I have a calendar for 2012 and each day of the month either has a bright green X or a black X. I would think to myself there were more green Xs than black Xs for the year, but the damage that I did to myself financially, to my self worth etc the days with the black Xs was not good. In 2013 I did not do a monthly calendar with X’s but they would have all been green. I know that as a compulsive gambler that I can’t put a dollar in a machines as I am totally powerless as soon as the first dollar goes in. I wish it was not the case, but it is so I cant change it, and I have to accept it. I remember the panic at the thought I could never play those machines again. I could not think that way or it would send me straight to play those machines!!! I now accept it as my reality. I get annoyed when I hear people talking about playing machines (not on here), but people who can gamble responsibly, and think why could that not be me. In reality though if I was not a compulsive gambler it would not bother me that people could play responsibly it is the addiction part of me that wants that, but it’s not possible. It is what it is!!! I do not plan on gambling today.

[vera]

More than half way through April…

I wish I could say “April was a G free month for me!”
It wasn’t!
I find that sickening now.
I find gambling sickening now.
I do not want to gamble today…
Will I want to gamble tomorrow, next week, next month, next year?
I suppose I will!
I wish I could feel as “sickened” by gambling every day as I do right now.
Gambling , for a CG is a very “sick” habit!
It’s 3 am!

[finding_laura]

ten days gone in a blink! Thankfully the urges have subsided. I look at them now like a stress meter. It’s been four and a half years since my last best. Lots of ups and downs in my life in that time. If the urges kick in and start to escalate it’s like saying the stress monitor is amping up, beepbeepbeepbeep… and I look at what’s going on, what’s causing it. For me it’s feeling disrespected by my partner, feeling the stresses of my disabilities, and the sadness and depression that comes with that sometimes. So the last ten days have been fairly calm as far as no life shattering epiphanies! My partner is on best behaviour and we will see if he has done any growing of his own. I’m looking forward to a long weekend of puttering and some time spent in the out of doors. Winter is trying hard to hang on it seems but the birds know spring is here. Take care everyone. ODAAT!

[cat438]

Well it’s getting close to the end of April and I don’t think I am going to put up a Month for May, although it’s funny how I am feeling, that maybe I should as it is keeping me on the straight and narrow. I know it is not the monthly pact that is doing this, it is taking it one day at a time. I wonder if it is thinking that if I get through a month then I have achieved something. I would really like to see Vera do the monthly pact again as she was the one who started it. I realize that the days pass and then it is a week and then a month, but it all goes back to taking it one day at a time. There was a time that I thought I should do weekly pacts as then I could maybe get through them as I could never seem to get to a month. I wish everyone a wonderful gamble free day!!!!

[cat438]

The last day of April and I don’t plan on gambling today. I still find it interesting that when you first start counting days that 30 days seems like a long time coming. How many times did I get to day 30 or 31 and then had to start all over again at day 1, or how many times did I get to day 6, 7, or whatever and never made it through a month. I was full of hope when I started the month, but never seem to be able to get through the month without gambling. I don’t think it matters whether it is the 1st, 2nd, 15th or 28th of the month that we last gambled we just have to focus on today. I always think back and the last day I played those machines was November 1, 2012 and I had pledged not to gamble that day, but did not keep the pledge. I suppose on November 2 I pledged again and have been able to stay away from then., but I am not cured, I know that all it would take is one dollar in a slot/vlt and it would be as if I had never left. It would be the same story, but who knows it could be even worse after not having played those machines for a long time. I have a healthy fear of those machines now. It is difficult to admit that you are powerless and have no control over yourself when you play slots/vlts, but it is the truth and although my life is not perfect, I know that gambling is not the answer. I will take it one day at a time. I will count my blessings. I will continue to work on myself. I will pray for strength to stay away. I will accept that I am a compulsive gambler. Wishing everyone a day free of gambling, because you know what, you are worth it!!!!

[vera]

I forget/can’t figure out how to start a new topic. I think I read somewhere that Cat is not starting a MAY Pact? Maybe I dreamt it.
Anyway its the 1st day of May here on this side of the world so maybe a new beginning is in order.
Every day is a New Day but May 1st is SPECIAL!
Here’s to a G free day.
I’m glad to see the back of April!
It wasn’t a G free month for me!
(I have to go to the hospital for tests on Friday. Dreading it . I HATE hospitals and I hate forking out money for tests. Private health insurance is a joke!)

[Author]

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