[majortom]

Dearest Community,

Well, what can I say? It’s been so long since I was here I couldn’t remember my log in or password. I couldn’t even remember the webpage – I only found it after googling about gambling addiction late last night as a reeled from a relapse.

There. That was the word I was seeking. Relapse. I couldn’t find it till now, till I was back in this forum. The memories of my last visits are flooding back.

I used to come here in my mid twenties. I first developed a problem with poker that spiraled into big losses when I discovered the stock market. I lost. I stumbled in here. And I did well. Years eventually ticked by without me placing a bet I regretted. I even has some small losses that I walked away from responsibly. You know, I was over my ‘problem’. Right? Yeah, not so much.

Simple slot machine undid me last night. I felt my reason evaporating as it swallowed twenty after twenty, as I chased loss after loss. No thinking. Just lights and sounds. I wasn’t even having fun. That is how I knew I was my old self. I wasn’t even doing it for fun. I was just doing it. Feeding the addiction.

So, there I was again last night, laying in bed with that ill feeling. That filth that you can’t wash off. That disappointment and shame.

I’m 33 now. I’ve got a steady girl I want to wife. I’ve got more responsibilities. I’ve got bills that need paying. This isn’t what I should be doing. I realize that.

Relapse. I fell back into my old pattern. The chemical flow unfolded. Not even a ‘respectable’ gambling – slots. Just feeding a machine my hard earned cash.

I really could use that few hundred bucks. I’m hoping that it is the last I loose. I hope it’s my wake up call.

Hope all has been well. It’s been over 8 years.

Same old me.

[velvet]

Hello majortom and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Majortom
The important thing is that you remembered where to come for support. You have recognised the problem and you are doing something about it.
Time to re-find the man whose company you have enjoyed for over 8 years – dig deep – you know (and I know) he is there.
Velvet

[majortom]

Thanks Velvet,

I’m keeping on keeping on. Laying low. I had to go to town past the bar where I played the slots and immediately started having visions of winning all my money back. Not just from the last session. But from all the sessions. You know. As if I could somehow be made whole again. Get back what I gave away.

Just letting go and embracing today isn’t so romantic but it is what I have and what I’ll keep on keeping on with.

[majortom]

Looking at some cash in my wallet. Need to drive past the slots today.

Already imagined winning back my losses. Already played it in my head.

Just gonna do my best to keep it together. To just let go. I’ve been close to a week now. Going slow. One day at a time.

[vera]

Play the film to the final scene……see yourself leaving the “slots”, broke, broken, sick, full of guilt and remorse.
We can’t take the drug without suffering the hangover.
CGs N E V E R win!
Remember the 5 Ts
Take Time To Think it Through.

[Author]

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