Vera – thank you for taking your time to respond to my post! I really appreciate the time and the effort that went into your post.
Thanks for sharing your story. Its encouraging to see your story and to hear your descriptions of whats it like for him, from the CG perspective.
To anwser your question – I was washing his trousers and emptied his pockets before loading the washing machine. I wasnt even expecting to find anything, because at that point, my understanding was about a month gambling free. It was obviously a shock to find betting slips in his pockets, from two different days over the last week. I called him about it straight away. I was pretty rational and calm. Thats when he told me he’d gambled on two different days – once straight after the counseling session, and one another day that same week. Thats what sparked the break up, as he lied about where he was and didn’t tell me about it. He also told me earlier that same day, that he was happy that he didn’t have anything left to hide from me (we’d already been working on him being honest), but he knew in himself that he’d gambled twice that week, and didnt say anything. He later after it all came out, said he wanted to tell me, but he just couldnt get the words out. But he seemed to proud when he told me at that time, that he had nothing to hide – but he did.
I realise he is trying. He is looking at going to a GA group next week, and trying to be honest. Thing is, he has a tendency to lie about things, not only about things relating to his addiction. He realizes this too, and has admitted he is probably addicted to lying too. Hes lied to me about events in his life that aren’t real, or he fabricated them to make them seem better. He also told me he had tens of thousands of dollars that his mother was looking after for him, then he confessed (after I asked him about it again) that it was only $5000.
The pattern with us and our relationship has always been that – he lies –> I suspect something–> i ask him –> sometimes he’ll deny until he’ll be accusing me of making attacks at him (this happened more so when he was in denial about alot of things), other times he’ll confess to only half the truth, then later times after more questioning, he’ll confess more. The stories always seem to come out in little bits at a time. And now its got to the point, that I just don’t know whats true and whats not true.
I know in my heart, he doesn’t lie on purpose to hurt me. He lies to make himself feel better, or to hide embarrassment and shame. He also realises the damage thats caused to us.
Today I gave him the opportunity to tell me everything and anything he has ever lied about. Ever. Hes told me some big stuff, which I appreciate and I know how hard it would have been considering he had to say – you know what, those were lies. But I fear that this will be similar to the past patterns – he only admits his wrong doings (actions, hiding stuff, or lieing) when I confront him, rather than him coming to me to discuss. And I’m a pretty fair and rational person – he knows Id prefer to be hurt by the truth, than to be kept happy with lies. Yet, this in reality seems like he gets it, but chooses not to do it.
Just a question – do CG’s have a tendency to lie about other life stuff too? Even before the gambling started to present itself in their life? Or is that lying a whole other addiction? (Its so much, and to alot of different people, about all sorts of things, ranging from big to small?)
I guess in a nutshell (and sorry for rambling!!), Im confused as to whether Im just dealing with a gambling issue, or a whole other addiction which is the lying. I guess it’ll be a personal case by case basis, but interested to know how lying manifests itself with this disease, and it if causes the person to lie about other stuff too.