To clarify, I didn’t think you were blaming her but good to hear you aren’t! Sometimes people don’t want to be put in that position if they know they will always be saying no or be treated like the bad guy. Did you ever ask her why she wasn’t willing? What her reasons are. I asked my sister not to lend me any more money if I asked. Honestly I hoped I was too ashamed to ever ask again but I wanted to make sure she understood not to. I understand what it’s like to feel so terribly low, worthless, ashamed, run down, half crazy from lack of sleep and sick thoughts. It took a lot for me to stop. I had to run out of money. I was terribly in debt. No money for food. No money for heat for the house and winter coming. I live in Canada. You don’t coast through winter without heat. I was suicidal. I understand the shame of it all. But it’s an addiction. That is what I know. And beating an addiction is hard but it can be done. We are here to walk the journey with you. Put in place whatever you can and maybe when your partner sees you are serious you could talk to her again about the finances. Ask the counselor when you see them how you could maybe approach it. Where there is a will there is a way. All the time and effort you used to put into gambling, now put into a recovery. Day one.
I won’t lie and say you haven’t put yourself in an extremely tough place. And we pay a price. No two ways about it. But you can stop digging this hole and instead start working on getting yourself out.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (my addiction- I cannot and will never be able to gamble responsibly- it’s over it’s done)
Courage to changes the things I can (myself)
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Laura