This is a partial repost of something I just posted on jansdads post, as I feel it should be on mine. Sorry for those of you who read it twice – but I am being selfish and posting for me, to get these thoughts and explore these thoughts to avoid another relapse.
I used to spend so much time gambling and thinking about gambling that now it is here my head has space to wander. I found I spent time regretting, living in the past, lamenting. This is unhealthy. I am totally afraid for my future, but I think I want to embrace that. My future is totally open and does not have to be the same as my past – but that means I need to live in the present and be here now.
Career wise I am in a precarious position. I don’t really know my skills in the wider world having run my own business for so long and that enabled me to gamble. I feel it is time to work for someone else, to be put in a position where I am accountable. I think the freedom of running a business meant I could slack off, get my staff to pick up the pieces.
My plan for this year was so different to what is going on. We were meant to finish this project and then take a break to consider. Instead, everyrthing is going to shit – because I gave in to the urge and I gambled. And once I started I couldn’t stop.
Thus it will ever be. Even now, I have having urges – pictuing myself slinking off to a cafe for lunch, firing up the site and having a few hands. But a few hands turns into hours. If I am up I cannot leave and if I am down I cannot leave. How can I ever play normally if everytime I play it gets out of hand.
Like many of you I am sure, althought I don’t know, a voice in my head says it will be different this time. I know for a fact it won’t, because if I play once, then between playing all I do is think about how to play again. And that means I don’t focus on my job, because I am having gambling thoughts. And I think that’s why i relapsed last time – I didn’t deal with those gambling thought/ urges. I felt it has been such a time between that this time would be different. It was for the first week, I only played when I had time – but then the urge to play was stronger and stronger.
It’s like smoking – you satisfy an urge, it goes away, but then the urges come again. I know if I accept the urge, they pass and my mind can focus. It’s a mental trick. A mental trick played by my mind which I can play back.
Love you all, gotta focus now on finishing this delivery.
Mav