Dear diary,
I remember where I was at last year and I look at where I am right now and what I need to do one day at a time.
What I learn this year will prepare me for next year.
I saw and realized that before every gamble or drink takes place, I have a chance not to gamble or drink, I can choose not to listen to what my head tell me and do something else.
I must not listen to what my head tell me, it is very convincing, it will justify that I. me , myself should come first before everything else. It has this cunning ability to mess up all the priorities in my life.
Gambling, money, drinking become my top priority because other thing like my God, my family, and my recovery lost their priority. When I gamble or drink. I become selfish, self-seeking and irresponsible.
This year was about facing one fear, facing my demon which was a job that brings out the worst in me. 8 months into the job, I saw traces of the old me when I act out in old ways.
Like David fighting Goliath, I will conquer this demon. Every day at work I need to take my moral inventory and work on my character defect, it was a daily battle but there are progress, I have learn to let God fight the battle for me and accept any outcome good or bad, top priority when I receive my salary now was contributing to the family…
I have not forgotten how to ride a bike. I have never forgotten how to drink or gamble. I am ready to change job if it did not work out.
I need to prepare a list of things for me to choose from when I need to made a decision to do something, anything I choose on the list, gambling, drinking, sex and food is not there.
It has been baby steps one day at a time.
Last year this time, my ex employer did not pay my salary on time and I made some very bad decisions. I used the wrong way to provide for my family and service my loan. It was a hard lesson. My priority was all wrong, doing wrong to find money to do the right thing is still wrong. I did what I wanted to do for the family and an elderly person and the rest of the year after that was payback time until I hit the bottom curve in recovery. I saw hope in a new lifestyle.
