That’s a lovely post, Sad68. Thanks so much. I just read your post to my wife, who is frankly sick of all of this. The one line she commented on was “My family has become happy very quickly now that I am present with them.” That’s my big issue – not being present. My mind is somewhere else.
My wife is leaving in a couple of months, going to back to Colombia taking Valentin with her. I feel awful about this, but she needs a break and if I am mature I have to accept this. She will be gone for 3 months. He will be almost 2 years old when she gets back. She is not sure she will want to stay with me. She suggested I take a holiday to Germany where my parents have a holiday home and I pictured myself there and guess what… I pictured myself on my laptop playing poker to my heart’s content. It is insane how, even though I know that I have to stay way from gambling, there is a part of my twisted brain that still wants it. Craves it. But nothing good will come from it.
I know in time these thoughts will ease. I don’t want to win money, I don;t expect to win. But it makes the pain go away. But I have to embrace the pain, because without pain there is no pleasure. That is life. I must accept that. Why do my friends and parents have homes and savings and things? Because they made the effort to change job when they were unhappy, to retrain, to start again. I find change difficult – I just want things to be the same all the time. That could be my depression. I am afraid of the changes that will come, because I tend to impolode at change. I am afraid of the full consequences of my gambling – loss of wife, son, business etc. But i am not the first and I am not the last and I am only 42. I still have a good 30 years of working life left – but I am halfway through my life. Time to start making it count.
Any stories from people who lost it all and turned their lives around would be welcome. I know I can do it, but I am scared.
Love and peace to all, and stay gamble free.
Mav