Thanks so much for the replies! This definitely is therapy and helping a great deal.
To respond –
A bit of an update from me. So, basically, although I broke up with my partner on the weekend, we have still be chatting. Ive told him how all of this has made me feel, and he has shared with me about his feelings too….in person and via messages. We do communicate really well when we do chat; this never seems to be a big issue, which is good. Its certainly been an emotional week so far for both of us.
The situation right now – is that he, with all of his heart, wants to continue on his road to recovery with gambling (there is weed thrown into the mix too, but the counselor is aware of this), and he wants to get clean and gamble free. So far its well over a month for weed, and I think day 6 from gambling (prior to that was 30 ish days).
I am scared and worried about re committing, when I’m scared I will get hurt. We’ve broken up a few times before, and we’ve had the best intentions before to address things as a team, but we ended up at the whole place where this whole thread started from. But, I wouldn’t still be here, writing in this forum, or still discussing things with him, if I didn’t see there could be a ‘happy ever after’ in all this, and I know I still care, and love him, but I’m so scared to get hurt. However, saying that, I am prepared to look at possibly putting together a list of things I would need from the relationship to ensure I feel safe and secure. I’m not the type of person to ‘take control’ in a relationship… however, I kind of feel like I have too, but I don’t want to feel like I’m the one stamping the rules down with an iron fist – as that’s not me, and I’m sure that would drive anyone away. So I’m careful to come up with a list that is both ‘taking control’ and being respectful that my CG is also a human being with feelings. I wonder if I could possibly get some opinions on this?
So, if we were to get back together, I am thinking I’d need the following things (could be reviewed after we see how the initial period goes?).
If you have any other suggestions Id welcome it!!
1) I would handle the money, and have full access to all bank accounts and online banking. If he had cash, he’d be accountable for what the money had been spent on.
—–> He has already given me full access and is being accountable, even though, we still haven’t made the commitment to try again.
2) I would need a full credit report. This is because I need to see it with my own eyes. We have chatted about it openly, but I think for my own piece of mind, I need to see it in black and white (we don’t own anything together, nor have any shared finances) but this is important for me to know at this point 1. to make sure I know what the actual current situation is, 2. in case we would ever buy a house at any point.
—–> I asked him once tonight, and he requested the credit report within an hour.
3) He continues to go to counseling and GA (he has mentioned his first GA meeting is next week possibly)
4) Him and I see a counselor to work on each of our flaws.
5) Him and I will see the counselor together to put together a plan of what steps need to be taken to start telling truth, instead of lies, and possibly to see how we handle possible relapses, etc. Do you think its worth addressing the consequences at this stage too? So its clear where our boundaries and limits are?
6) I asked him what he needed from me and he said – He said I’m giving him everything he wants and needs – support and understanding, and he said accountability is a huge thing for him too, which he now appreciates now that I’m looking after the $$.
7) Anything else or suggestions to add? Ive tried to make it fair and reasonable, but also bearing in mind that we are fighting an addiction at the end of the day, but also dealing with humans.
Ive heard some people put in contracts etc, again – to highlight personal boundaries etc – what are your thoughts on these? Worthwhile? To extreme?
Thanks so much again for all the comments!! I have shown my CG this post and he is following and reading every comment out of his own interest also. He knows I’m approaching this decision reasonably fairly, so he realizes I am weighing things up, but also the advice around steps from here, will no doubt be invaluable for our further chats together.
Thanks SO much!!