Thanks Sad.
I am sitting here, feeling overwhelmed again, trying to focus and i am so scared of the situation I have created. It is the start of the week, and it is so long since I did a full day’s work without regretting, ruminating etc. How can I move on when I have created so much chaos in my family’s life.
When I got this big commission in Jan of last year I promised that what is happened would not happen.
I would not gamble
I would plan, and work on the plans for theproject
I would watch the oney
I would watch my depression for signs of either over or under confidence
I would end the year happy, with a succesfuk project
The company;s debts would be paid off and we would make a nice profit
None of those things have hapened, primarily because of gambling
So if I stop gambling now, I have to move on. I have to accept I fucked up, and kept fucking up. I have to see that this is my chance to change, to recover.
I am trying to imagine myself in 2 mnths time, the same as I am, thinking this was the time to change.
So I have to have future past 20/20 vision. How will I feel if I don’t sort things out from now – I just feel so overwhelmed and dissappointed in myself.
I am sorry to keep feeling sorry for myself it makes me sound so pathetic. And this isn’t me – I used to be strong, focused, clear. What happened to me?
Take care all, last post until this evening
My wife thinks I am addicted to feeling sorry for myself and posting. I hope I am not.