thanks for your support, I hope this relapse will be the last for both of us.
thinking from an optimistic point of view, my rock-bottom starts to be at a higher level than before, you can say I am in an uptrend. the highs are getting higher and the lows are getting higher as well. I can see that I will recover but I don’t want this to be after 10 years.
this the 4th year since I hit my deepest rock-bottom, if I compare my situation now with that I can consider my self in a good shape but once I add to the equation that I am 4 years older than that time and the thing that I could accept 4 years back I can’t accept now it makes me depressed again it wipes out all the optimistic part.
it is very clear to me THE DRUG IS THE MONEY I should not keep access to it how I don’t know, I am not married, I am living in a different country than my family so I don’t have someone who I can trust to give him the control over my money, and the worst thing I am still hiding my addiction from my family.
I am giving a lot of thought to what I can do this time to make it really the last relapse and it strikes me that I knew what I can do but I am not going to do it. I know that if I let my family know that I am an addict this will give me the required support to overcome this addiction but I am not going to do that I know this will break them.
lately, I start thinking to buy things to protect the money like buying a fancy car I know it will depreciate in value but I will not lose it in a few hours.
or home anything but cash. as I am progressing in recovery I reached to a point where I will stop once the cash runs out, I am not going far anymore” i.e. selling stuff to feed my addiction as what happens in the first stage”.
I think this is the weak part of my recovery plan.