Thanks Monica1 for the comments – I’ve had all sorts of horrible and disturbing thoughts flowing through my brain over the past 72 hours or so – these are feelings I have never experienced before – it is definitely scary and I know that on the other side of it all, there’s a much better life ahead, without gambling in it. Some of the stories I have read on here are just awful and I am thankful to have had my moment of clarity before my life spiralled out of control. I have stopped before but i generally did it because I was hurting others – this time I have stopped because i could feel myself descending into a place that i knew would ruin me forever. As I said to my wife last night, the gambler in me is not going without a fight. I find that being alone is the worst thing possible at this stage – it’s where my I have the most opportunity to comtemplate my own feelings of shame, self-pity but also reflection and fears about how I’m supposed to stay on the rails. It’s easy to say I’m quitting but given the repeated pattern of behaviour over such a long period, i’m worried it won’t take much to fall back into the cycle. I think that’s what is driving my feelings of despair and emptiness
