Thanks Laura, you have hit the nail on the head really as to why I am not in chat so much and also not posting perhaps as much as I did. The reason is nothing is changing and my depression is difficult for me to deal with, let alone anyone else. I still find myself, albeit not as often as I used to, finding myself angry with God for just leaving me like this. My faith deserted me in recovery, not when I was in action, although it was somewhat misplaced then.
A friend has called me twice in the past week but they only ever want to talk about themselves so I have ignored their calls. We have been friends for 14 yearsbut it is me who wants to put an end to it as it is always a little one sided. Any girlfriends I have are not the daily kind, but the once a month maybe for a phone call kind. There is no one close to me at all which has been part of the problem. Living my life at work and away from home often puts paid to friendships really. The Jehovah’s Witness and a lady from ga text me but I ignore those as well. Neither are the sort of people I would choose to be friends with. I would choose,yourself and idi though. I have been thinking a lot again about how my life has not panned out as I would have wanted and I found myself asking why. I think I have not had much support from anyone and at 60, that is why I feel this hurt and anger. But it is at life in general and how it has all gone. I acknowledge my own Responsibility in all this but the good years can be counted on one hand. It had just all been too difficult which led to the self destruction in gambling. I really don’t want to become bitter as it isn’t my nature.
I opened a letter today from the council who did not consider my medical evidence sufficient for a late claim and relief for the year so they say I owe the lot at a grand. It is like what the hell do
you have to do and actually,I just give up. It is a heartless world. My hours are still twiZzled. 7pm slept till 2am and have been up since then today.
Hope I guess is one of the last things to go. I used to wonder in my early 50s when I would start to feel differently. Pre gambling I still had hope and motivation, Like I deserve a good life but I am not having a good life, I am seriously and deeply unhappy and the universe/god or whatever could not,give a flying chit about that, or else something would have shifted to give me hope, but sadly it has not. This hurts me inside so much thatwho we pray to actually,does,allow,bad things to happen and then I think how can that be a loving father. Simply put allowing suffering is not a loving act. The Buddhist would say that life is suffering and we are also to,d to have gratitude for the gift. That makes us all raving masochists. I genuinely cannot work out the human aspects of life and reconcile them to the divine. It just doesn’t compute.
