Logic tells me that I will get used to this but my heart and soul is struggling to believe it. I’m so used to premeditating what things will feel like. I’m a planner. Need to know what’s going to happen next. This time for this THING, I’m just waiting. It’s like.. What’s next. Today my partner and I were trying to work out what future money can be saved towards our wedding. We are only JUST going to cut it.. Very finely. Then I was trying to work out how much cash I’m going to need this week. As im off.. So im sitting there adding up.. Hmm lets see. I need x for fuel for my car, x to take the girls to the movies and x for new school shoes for the youngest. So anyway, I’m trying to come to an exact figure… So he can give me the cash (since I no longer have my cards). I’m glad he’s doing this.. But I tell you what, something else that I’ve just woken up to… The value of money… Gees, I completely lost any value to money…prior to today. Adding those things together kills my two week budget. So next week I’ll have none. Maybe a few pounds but that’s it. And payday in 4 weeks. Can’t look forward to that.. Cause I won’t see any of it, or the next month. Infact I won’t see any of what I earn until my wedding in July. Then after that.. I’ll be getting out of debt for two years.. I know that’s how it’s got to be, but it sucks!! I guess all I can do now is get to know myself again as the nongambler. Noncandycrusher and whatever other game I could get hooked on. BU the chef? BU the walker? BU the sit and stare at the tver? Socialising?? What’s that? I mean I’ve got a lot of work to do now to change.. And I want to change. It’s just so daunting .. Sorry for the rant.. Just feel stuck..
