Thank you everyone for your beautiful messages.
I am not doing so well- I feel constant pressure in my chest from the relentless worry . My husband just asked if i got bad news because I look shocked. Part of me wishes my heart would just stop and with it this madness would stop.
My solution is that I want to go gamble tonight – I might win!?
I have thrown away another fantastic career opportunity .-one which I earned !
I find myself retreating into isolation – I am making excuses for all the plans I made pre – Christmas . All those coffees and catchups won’t be happening now .
I have failed on so many levels it’s unreal.
I will get money on the fifteenth – that is two full weeks away.
And then it will be like this has never happened – I will forget and I will end up in the same mess again and again – each time a little worse and each time my health will be a little worse .
My whole life will be wasted on this cycle – this horrible self inflicted cycle -with nothing to look forward to except survival.
Perhaps writing it will help me to remember .