Thank you for having this website. I really have no where else to turn. I feel like Alice in Alice in Wonderland falling down the rabbit hole with no control over where or how far I fall. Of course, that it is not true. I do have control. I just have to learn how. It’s easy to know what I need to do. Don’t go to the casino, don’t go to ATM, just say no. However, actually following through is a whole different ballgame. I feel like I am 2 people. The person I let my friends and family see and her evil twin that stays hidden and only comes out to make bad decisions. I decided that alone time is a trigger for me. So I planned my day today: go get the oil changed, get gas in the car, go to my parents house to visit, go to the grocery store and go home. Simple right? So this is what happened…I went to get the oil changed. It was an hour drive and an hour there. I called a friend of mine and decided to go visit her. I stayed 2 hours. A total record for me. I usually visit for 15 to 30 minutes and I am out the door heading to the casino. So I left her house and passed my daughter close to my house. I called her and we went to lunch. Still a pretty good day. At lunch I realized I did not have enough money in the bank to cover the gas for the car and lunch. I’m already negative about 80 bucks. How do I get the money back to put in the bank? I go visit my parents and both of them ask me if I am going to go to the casino for the match play. I tell them that I’m going to the grocery store and leave. Now I realize that I also do not have money for groceries. So what do I do? I go to the casino and take money out of the ATM to try to win the money to put back in the bank. Stupid right? I know that is illogucal but I do it anyway. So I lose all of that money and still have to buy groceries. I go get the groceries and go home. I am now down about $500.00. so the cycle continues. I get depressed because I made the choices I made. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I am so afraid my husband is going to find out. I just cannot seem to get out of this cycle. I know what I need to do. I just can’t seem to do it. It’s like someone else takes over my body and I am in the passenger seat bound and gagged until it is too late. I hate the person I have become.
