Dear diary
I wouldn’t know if a storm is coming. There are many things beyond my control. Where, who and what kind of situation will I meet in the future? I don’t know.
This week I met 3 difficult people from 3 different support groups, I was one of many who felt the same after meeting them.
I feel that all 3 want to feel important and were deprived of attention. They feel that they are better than the others.
I am grateful to God and step 4 for the awareness and mindfulness, I can see what I cannot see in the past now.
Maybe I was just like them now, but I was very sure I was like them at some point of my recovery. They are helping me to take my inventory, they are like a mirror.
One was insecure and like to pick on people weaker and less fortunate, this person pick on my imperfection in the group, he like to have fun at the expense of others by shaming them.
One tried to control my behaviors, the person was like a control freak who like to tell others how to behave and act, this person is full of self-righteousness.
One question me whether I was gambling when I buy him and 8 others supper, he has no second thought to make me look bad in front of the others. I feel that he is not well in the mind and know not what he is doing, he sound like a bitter grape and was unhappy to see others doing things differently and happy in recovery.
I am facing challenges from people on top of the fear and uncertainty at work.
Every person or event would have trigger me, I would be disturb, angry and find justification in drinking and gambling.
Where did the strength to remain calm, courage to face the fear, humility and confident to face the people who label, shame, criticize, judge and belittle me come from.
Obviously God is protecting me. I didn’t know it but the picture is getting clearer and clearer now.
I receive the sign, and I obey. I went to join a flock of sheep in one recovery place found inside a church. Now I know I was send there to take shelter from the storm that is coming to keep me safe.
I didn’t try to control the people and situation above. It was unbelievable when I let go of control, I did not lose control and remain accountable. I did not drink and gamble. I am walking down a different street.
It takes strength and courage to love the same 3 person when I meet them, wisdom and clear mind to walk away.
Recovery was not about punishment and unhappiness, recovery is all about love and joy for me. Thank you God for everything.
