Dear diary
What it was like in the past?
ARROGANT
I love to be popular and like to be the center of attention, I love people to trust, respect and like me. I used to care a lot about how others look at me. I have a bad habit to share my limited knowledge and life experiences with others when not ask. It may have made others feel small, uncomfortable, not respected and less importance. I was not sensitive to others
IRRESPONSIBLE
I remember very clearly how I blame my love ones and run away from my responsibilities, I have abuse the trust, love and respect that was given to me, I have used it to hurt the closest people to me.
I only give out of surplus, I am not as generous, loving, caring and unconditional as I thought, I was afraid of my love ones asking me for help when I have little and none, I will get stress, the only familiar way I know under this situation was to run away from my family and love ones by walking away, I have left deep emotional scar and damage on them.
I was not willing to sacrifice my everything for my family and love ones, I am not willing to take pain, hardships and gave away all my money to my family and love ones.
What happen?
Ever since I stop gambling and drinking lately, I was able to see everything very clearly.
It was really shocking, sad and disappointing to see the truth, I did not think I was wrong in the past, I did everything to preserve myself and survive, I have sacrifice many in the process.
Working step 4 peel off the outer layer of skin and reveal everything underneath about me, I learn things about myself that I didn’t know. The truth shocks me how bad and how low I was in the past.
3 years ago when I work Step 1, I was changing my action, I deny my selfish, self-centered, self- seeking ways.
What was it like now?
I cannot change something that was not there. Today I can slowly see my heart more clearly , it hurts to see that I was not the nice person that I thought. It was incredible how God and step 4 help a person change inside out.
Now I can pray to God to help me to change my heart and mind. Change of heart and mind can influence change in my behavior and action leading to salvation.
Yes I feel shame, guilt and sinful tonight while writing this.
Yes I am thankful and grateful for this growth and chance to change.
I used to have eyes but cannot see what I was doing. I can never see myself as the hurricane that walk into others people life and left a path of destruction behind.
It is better late than never. I have a chance to change.
Now I understand why Jordan, my present mentor do not want any recognition for his good work and charitable deeds, he gave but chooses to remain anonymous. It does wonder to made someone like me who crave for power, money, recognition and self-importance, to be humble and less arrogant.
I have met past scholar and wealthy businessman in recovery but these people just do not have the spirituality that my first and second mentor have.
I do not know what is God’s plan for me but something is changing inside me. I have faith and believe God, I trust God that it is something good, I just have to let go and let God. It is all in God’s timing, not mine.
I need to be patient, still and wait