Step 4
Dear diary
When I work step 4 in the 12 steps recovery program and answer the questionnaires, I found out that I have been feeding thought, feeling and desire which I never thought were terrible sins at all for many years in the past.
How I had abuse my power, money and prey on the vulnerables, I convince and instruct these people to give me their money and body. I feel very shameful, guilty and wrong after working this step.
It has increase my awareness, it allow me to see something I cannot see in the past especially the wrongdoing and unlawfulness that I was used to. It was a very humbling experience, I become less self-righteous about things and less arrogant in front of people now, I can made very bad decision and I don’t feel that I am better than others, I learn to listen to others more. I am not perfect but I am seeking and making progress.
On Monday and Friday in 2 different groups, I met 2 elderly rich men, they are more than 10 years older than me. When they talk to me about the millions that they have lost, and how they abuse their power and the trust given to them, how they use and prey on other people’s money and body. They offer me a big mirror to reflect on my life, they wanted to recover the money they had lost, their problem was the money they had lost and the debt they had, not gambling. They don’t think that all form of gambling was wrong, it was just another business or entertainment. When they relived the past talking to me about them outside the groups, they talk like there was nothing wrong, their conversation was all focus on past winning and how they abuse their power and money to prey on vulnerable people.
It reminded me of myself, I felt so lousy and shameful about my past, I do not have what these men have but the money I had was enough, it gave me power and respect from people, people listen to me, they gave me what I want. I abuse this power and money given to me. I abuse the love and trust given to me. In return, I did nothing but hurt and harm these people emotionally and spiritually.
I was really wrong. I seek God’s mercy and forgiveness.
I told these men that I did the same , I know it was wrong now and I regretted it. I could do nothing with these 2 elderly person, when they relive old memories, they are actually enjoying and feel proud about them like it was some trophy they had won. They are still hoping to be able to live the old days when all the attention and the glory will be on them. They continue their old ways secretly.
I am learning how to live life now, I start to understand that the remaining days of my life should be all about God, others and me last, it does help to straighten the selfish, self-centered and self-seeking nature inside me.
Surrendering and giving up my self-will and follow God’s will, Handing over my life and will completely to the care of God mentioned in Step 3.
My old way is unlawfulness. I am taking baby steps to replace my old ways with new ways.
I am walking down a different street now. My Journal bear witness to the changes I made, I took baby steps every day and over the years, something inside my heart and mind is beginning to change, my harden heart is slowly melting away.
It will be a dream for me now… to be able to do recovery and work for the next 10 years, If I could live to that age, I will be very happy, it mean I have more time and money to make amend to the people I have hurt. I don’t know how much time I have left. I will have to trust God, let go and let God.
