i haven’t known what to say for the last week or so, the good news is that i am 38 days gamble free, the bad news which in its on way is good is that therapy along with working so much is draining the hell out of me but it is teaching me so much about myself and we have hardly touched on gambling but i am starting to see some connections with gambling and how that fits in with how i see myself, how i hide from the past and the fact that it’s easier to treat myself badly and self destruct rather than face reality so its really interesting to get some understanding on myself.
each time i go we start the session with a set of questions which are always the same and at first i couldnt understand why but for example, one if the questions is “do you gamble to avoid a problem” and i answered no on the first couple of weeks, this week i answered yes as i have increasing urges to gamble to have some time off from my own thoughts but with that knowledge i am able to resist the urges.
i also finally had a day off yesterday and today, i went to a concert yesterday with my friend and it felt quite overwhelming in some respects as i noticed for the first time in a long time ( we don’t see much of each other) i was actually there with her, listening and wanting to know how she was doing, usually i have my phone in my pocket on silent waiting for vibrations to come through for a goal, making excuses to go to the toilet frequently to check on games and waiting on the outcome to to determine my mood for the night. There was none of that last night and it was really special, she actually phoned me afterwards and said how she wanted to spend more time with me and that she missed spending time with me. what she didn’t realise is that she missed me being present when we spent time together. I am starting to realise how much gambling hurts others without even realising. more incentive to stay on this path
