Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees.
Liz, Geordie and I were discussing the loss of loved ones the other day. And how missing them can cause urges.
And Vera, mentioned on IDI’s thread about voids in our lives or in ourselves and i talked about using gambling to fill them.
I’ve had two light bulb moments in the past few days. Now my memory isn’t perfect, but I’ve back tracked the dates and it lines up. In January of 2015 a best friend of decades was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. They could only offer her time with treatment. I believe I started gambling in March of 2015 at the same time as she began chemotherapy. I watched a funny vibrant woman fade into a shell of herself subject to what I equate with medical torture. She was so sick and pumped full of drugs it was a nightmare to watch her suffer. She passed in December of that year, a couple weeks before Christmas. In February my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The only blessings were that he was to weak for chemo and he only suffered for three months. We buried him in May of 2016. As much as it broke my heart it killed me just as much to watch my mum lose her partner of a half century.
So now I said I had two aha moments. The other. Well a few years before I lost my best friend to illness, I felt a void in a different way. One other than that left behind by the loss of loved ones.
My sister remarried and no longer spent hours with me every week. We used to spend hours together on weekends doing things with our kids or even just visiting. On the phone with each other at least a couple times a week. My very best friend. She just has different priorities now and I understand that. Kids are older and she’s the taxi driver, spends time with husband in the evenings etc. But it still left a big void.
At the same time my physical health was declining due to various medical issues. I wasn’t able to do a lot of activities. And after sitting at a computer at work all day I couldn’t do it at home too. I couldn’t travel much or spend time doing things like photography. This was also a loss and another void to be filled.
My gambling was sporadic but I think I knew as I was doing it that I was trying to relieve something. But now I see it wasn’t just losses I was trying to relieve it was also voids I was trying to fill.
I just can’t believe I didn’t see it, or I didn’t retain those reasons. It’s so hard to see things when your emotions are tied up in them I guess.
So that being said, I had a rare morning spent with my sister shopping. Got a good start on Christmas. Thank God I am still medically restricted from driving! No gambling. Need to work on putting that mental ban back in place. If I was gambling right now Christmas wouldn’t be a given as the gift money might end up in a slot machine. Never want to go back to October 28, 2009. The day my last cent of credit never mind actual money went into the slot machine. I think I spent the next two weeks thinking of all kinds of crazy schemes to make a lot of money. Some of them illegal.
I guess for me that was where I drew a line. I’ll consider myself lucky in that instance. If I would have been more nimble who knows.
Onward and upward!
ODAAT
Laura