Well, all the plans of today went somewhat awry. After Being awake all night until midday slept till half past five. I find an egg sandwich by my bed which Pete must have put there. Goes with the egg sarnis of yesterday and the day before that. I am feeling grateful for it.
I am feeling deeply reflective. I can see that the world likes to pigeonhole and label,people you are this, you are that. I am feeling that, particularlyeith the depression label,but I am also feeling my spirit rise and refuse to have a label or a situation that has a prolonged stuckness about it, Reall, we are so much more than those things. Who are we?
Ultimately we are a soul going to God. That is the destiny of all souls. We are born with certain spiritual blueprints and soul lessons ie what we need to learn in this life. For me it is quite simple. Fit and foremost I need to,earn to love myself and the. To love others. My choices in life hsve reflecte on occasion my lack of love for myself. At other times I have sorted in life and done very well. One of the best days in my life was in front of my father when I won every single race on sports day, about five 1sts. I had been second the year before beaten by a rival. The difference was that final year was that I had trained myself alone in the woods every night and so really trained myself to win. That tells me a lot about myself that that level of persistence and perhaps competition is a part of who I am. As I have gotten older I have los the competitive element but still have the persistence. I think what I am saying is that I refuse to be pigeonholed. I find this enforced period of health issues and depression difficult, very difficult. I am impatient and want things to move on, and I realise they will intheirown time. I have always liked to go out into the world but I have deliberately isolated myself for a long time now. Part of this is related to self esteem I think and the current lack of funds. I am determined to not let all this define me.
My sponsor texted and said he understood why i needed a break. I said I would see hiM in around a weeks time. I need this headspace to just work out in me what is what. Yesterday I was this woman who is just falling apart and I suppose I will have other days where I feel the same. Today I am thinking like idi, keep it simple. I have missed posting on idis thread and need to do that. We did write down a set of headers for a hope and recovery plan so I will write down what I have done across each in the next thread.