Dear diary
When you took step 3, you decided to trust the Lord. You turned your will and your life over to His care.
In step 4, you show your willingness to trust God.
I am glad what has happen in the past has prepared me for future.
In one incident when I was reaching out to a 56 years old man, I wanted to give unconditionally and love him but ended up shock when I felt anger, I didn’t want to hurt the person, I did not want him to know but I knew something was wrong.
I have to turn to God and step 4 for help.
Psalm 139:23-24 (KJV)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Step 4: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
I was very confused when I was feeling angry while serving a 56 years old man unconditionally. I soon realized that I was doing it very wrong.
If I had expected something back in return, how can that be unconditional? For example;
I expect the person I help to talk to me nicely and respectfully, gratefully and appreciative.
I did not expect the person I help to be full of self-righteousness and self-importance
I thought that a person who have hit rock bottom would be eating humble pie by now but never expected the person to remain proud, ignorant and arrogant.
I never expect them to continue to lie, manipulative and cunning.
My early experience helping difficult people has made me feel anger, hurt, victimized and feeling like a fool. I was not ready.
I am smiling now looking back at my immaturity and writing about them.
I understand now when I help and love a person unconditionally, alI I wanted was just to give the person hope and put a smile on their face, I just wish to give and serve them with no expectation.
I do not try to control the other person. I should allow the person to make his or her choices and decision that include good and bad ones, I shall not manipulate or judge them. I should not have unrealistic expectation of them. Many times they are not ready and have not given up their self-will yet and find it hard to follow others beside themselves.
If I had continue to use my old familiar ways, I am still practicing my self- will, my ways and not God’s will and God’s way.
All kind of things can happen during serving, there are many people and situations that I could not control. I cannot change them but I can change myself, especially how I look and react to them. I understand that I have a choice, I can choose to leave it to God and let God handle them, just let go and let God.
I have grown since I found God’s word or truth and follow the 12 steps recovery program. God have made all things possible but the recovery program was my compass.
I am better prepared now because under unconditional giving and love, no one say these people cannot be ungrateful and unappreciative, no one say these people cannot turn their back on me, no one say these people cannot talk back or treat me badly. If I am not ready, I better don’t serve.
The last service I did was reaching out to a young man, his unpredictable behaviour tested me. I was distracted for a moment when he choose to walk away. I have to dig in for strength, I remember Charles telling me to glance but do not stare, I remember the psychologist teaching me to watch but do not grab the thoughts. I have the awareness that the event has taken my eyes away from God, I ask myself what would my sponsor who is walking with me in recovery, would have done, I feel that he will continue to worship and keep his eyes on God, he would allow me to made my own decision to walk away or stay, it was my choice, he did not at any one time try to control or manipulate me. I have a role model to follow. I did exactly that.
I did not allow anyone, any place or anything to take my eyes away from my God and 12 steps recovery program.
Practicing spiritual acts is really out of this world feeling for me. It was sweet, satisfying and fulfilling. Yes there will be unconditional giving and sacrifices, it really take up my free time and stretch my dollars, at times it can be emotional overwhelming for me.
Unconditional giving and love was a beautiful thing.
When I heard a Pastor who was a recovering drug addict preach to us “not to come down from the cross” when the seed is germination in darkness. When I hear this message, I can no longer control myself , I shed tears uncontrollably because the burden I had inside me while serving others sometime felt really heavy.
I am walking down a different street. I am a giver and not a borrower.
