Hello Miss Juggles and well done on seeking help .
Being involved with a CG is both scary and exciting. I say exciting because gamblers can be charming, unpredictable, fun loving and can sweep their loved ones off their feet. The scary bit comes when you find yourself with the proverbial rug pulled from under your feet and you are scrambling for damage control.
In this case, Miss J, it is I who am the CG and reading your post set off a few alarm bells in my brain.
For one being “…sworn to secrecy”, would be a big concern . Why? because that was the ploy I always used when I wanted to manipulate my husband and lead him to believe we could “sort out the mess ” together. I would open up, confide in him and say “if you have any loyalty or concern for me, the least you could do is keep this between us”! This of course put him on the back foot and gave me a breather! CGs thrive on “breathers”!
This “secret agreement” leaves the door open for further promises to be made and broken. Also, as Velvet has said, the fact that you found out without him revealing his problem could mean he is being defensive now and buying time. I also find that alarming.
I have no reason to doubt that your fiance has every intention of beating this addiction, that is up to him. From your present standpoint, I would suggest that you take ten steps back and take on the role of “observer” rather than “policewoman”. A CG hates being monitored. In fact, even when I asked my husband to “police” me, it drove me further into deceitful methods to get money and my imagination ran riot with excuses and justifications to gamble. As you rightly noted, the SO can be used/blamed for causing relapses and the words a CG uses will convince you that you are the cause of all his problems. I used all those tricks to allow myself to continue gambling for years and always managed to project my problem on to others.
For this reason, you need to detach yourself emotionally for now. Listen to him by all means but quietly secure your bank account, protect your property and keep out of the firing line as much as possible. CGs thrive on chaos and have the ability to bamboozle anybody who we think will enable us to feed our habit.
This is a complex problem but it can be overcome and in time , with support, you will both grow closer and live a happy life free of gambling but for now you need to thread softly.
Remember, Miss J, that the mess your fiance has created is not your mess. His debts are not yours. You are not responsible for his gambling, nor will you be the person who stops him gambling.
My suggestion to you would be to attend a GamAnon meeting , visit the online Groups here for personal support and do not allow yourself to be drawn into any “secrets”. Shame and guilt go hand in hand with gambling, but these emotions can be used to trap our enablers into protracted and confusing “binds” which will of no help to either to the CG or to the “victim”.
Keep posting your thoughts. It will help to clear your head. Use all the support available. You will need every bit of it!
Take it one day at a time and never lose hope!
