I relapsed. I am so freaking depressed right now.
I quit gambling for 3 or 4 days. On my way into work I see that I have a message from the sports book. They gave me a $250 bonus. I was like, what the hell. I’ll double it up and pull it out or loose it and not gamble anymore.
I double it up Then I double it up again. Then I double it up again. I have $1800 in my account. Then I make a $1000 wager and hit that. I have 3k in the account. I bet again and hit another $1000 bet and have 4k in the account.
That same day I got an MRI. It turns out that I will need back surgery as soon as possible and will be out of work for close to 2 months.
This makes me go a little crazy and I start pressing. I start playing craps online and turn it into $6800. I stop and say to myself. Wholly crap. That gets you close to 33% out of debt. Stop now and start withdrawing. I try to withdrawal and they account says I can’t. I have to turn in a bunch of paperwork to the online folks so they can verify who I am. I do that.
It’s about 1am and I say to myself go to bed. I walk the dog and before I can even get back I’m like try to turn it into 10k. That would be perfect I think. Then I’ll stop.
Well the story is always the same… I gambled big until about 6am and stopped with pretty much nothing. I lost the rest the next day. I then preceded to deposit every last cent I had and overdraft my account again by $500 or so.
Of course now I’m besides myself. I need surgery. I’m broke and will be out of work. I owe so much money to everyone.
So many things have gone wrong in my life. So many things have gone right in my life. I have been blessed so many times. My bad habits have led me down so many bad paths. I have been a drug addict for 25 years (Pot). I have cost myself numerous relationships, jobs, and opportunities because of the gambling and weed. I want to stop both and just live a sober and action free life. Why is it so hard? Why is so hard to just be good to myself. I’ve read a lot on here how people with gambling problems want to self destruct and hurt themselves. Maybe thats what I’m doing and have done. I know I’ve hated myself for a number of years. I honestly can’t remember when I liked myself that much. I pretend I do well.
It’s insane that I am back on here after my 5th relapse in a year and having won and lost so much and just could;t ever stop gambling.
Tomorrow is my last day 1. I will never gamble again. I’m opening up a joint account with my mom and will be calling all my cards and telling them that I lost the cards and give the new ones to my mom when they arrive. That way I won’t have the card numbers memorized and be able to do what I just did. I’ll have one card that I can’t deposit on a sports book with a $300. I’m going to not have any money to gamble with moving forward.
I’ll get this surgery in the next 2 months. I’ll have to move in with my mom to recover. She has been nice enough to offer me a place to stay while I rehab my back.
I have a lot to work on. I believe my career is decent enough that I can do this surgery and get back to work when it’s done. It will take me roughly 1-2 years to pay back this debt.
It’s just crazy because I had a run where I won $5k, and 2k, and 3k, and now that $6800. Add it all up and that’s close to the entire amount I’m in debt. Why the hell could I not just stop and withdrawal that money? I hate that I have to stop gambling because I can’t control it! I feel like I do win at it. My problem is that I can never stop. I can’t stop chasing a number that I can never reach. For a guy like me. I have lost so much that I can never stop chasing unless I win over 100k-150k at this point. Gees I’ve messed up. My life is so horrible right now. I felt good for a few days not gambling and thinking my back was getting better. Now that’s all gone. I’ve gambled won and lost a fortune and am now feeling so horrible that I’m going to take 3 pain pills and just pass out and try to forget my life.
My sister lives in a multi-million dollar home. My other sister lives in a multi-million dollar home. They are both happily married. My brother has recently this last year stopped smoking, eating meat, and stopped drinking and doing drugs. He is doing much better now. I notice how much different he is and has been without all the poisons in him.
I’m not the type of person that wants to kill himself. I love the challenge of life. But this shit has to stop or there will be nothing left of me. I’m scared I have passed all the good moments and am scared of the future for the first time in a long time. I wasn’t living paycheck to paycheck for a coupe years as I was able to save quite a bit. But them I just went on some horrible losing streaks. This last 19-20 months has been so bad. I just want it all to end.