Thanks Velvet. I have re read your comments and veras and michelles so many times just now and they give me strength.
All I ever wanted was for my ex to stop gambling and be the father he needs to be, putting his children;s needs before his own but now I know that unless he attends rehab and gets serious ongoing and intensive support, nothing is going to change.
I gave him all the information before but he always made excuses as to why he didn’t ‘need’ more help, that one meeting a week is all he needs and that he knows what to do to stop gambling. I wished so hard that he would become a better person and accept the right supports available to him but on reflection now, I could have prayed, wished and willed for him to do something when in fact, the only person who can change him is himself.
I am less angry today.I found out why he has told lies about being chased by the police and me getting him arrested – he owed a friend’s mum money and he didn’t have this. He had to tell another lie, a convincing one, to aviod paying back the money he did not have. and I honestly was sooo angry that he was using me as the excuse and blaming me for things I have never done but if I look at his reasons why and the addiction again, it makes sense. It is not right and sometimes I feel there is an ‘injustice’ in all that me and my kids have been through but your right Velvet, his work colleagues are not important to me, those who matter know that I am not a liar and I cannot concentrate on what his actions are anymore as it would just drive me crazy, make me angry and resentful and hurt and I don’t want to be that person who becomes bitter. There is enough hurt and sadness that more arguments, battles and ‘fights’ are not worth it . That requires energy and I just don’t have any left for him or his behaviour anymore.
It really is a process of getting to this stage where acceptance becomes reality. And this journey has been exhausting and heartbreaking with so many ups and downs and feelings of every emotion, some I did not think I was capable of (the extreme anger I have felt at times) but now I am done.
I am continuing to have no direct contact with him, because I don’t need to. I don’t owe him anything and my own health and recovery is more important than him now. I never imagined I would say that but the past is the past and I just want to concentrate on a stress free, peaceful time for myself and my children.
Whilst he continues to be in denial about his behaviour, continues to ‘duck and dive’ through using who or what he can to keep his addiction alive, and acts with dishonesty, then it will be a longer process before the trust will even slightly resume and the access to his kids will be longer too.
He did contact me by text a few days ago stating ‘it has been 3 weeks or more since I have seen my kids.can you let me know if I can have access please’.
I went round and round not knowing what to reply, cried most of the day, beat myself up thinking I would be a terrible mum if I said No when I’m sure my daughter would love to see her daddy and maybe this would help him. Then I had to stop and reflect on ‘how positive would the contact be, would he have taken any drugs the night before, if I believe he is gambling, how does that change him and how would I even manage contact as I am determined not to see him at all’ I also wondered what his motivation is as I have stuck to my ‘no contact rule’ and when I have buckled a little, I have re read my posts as you advised Velvet and this really helped.
My ex, I believe, does love his kids in his own way but my 2 older kids don’t want anything more to do with him. And my youngest is 8, and will just need to trust me that I am making the best decisions I believe to be right at this time.And it is often so hard to make decisions when you doubt yourself.
So I replied to my ex with a line saying ‘ No. I can’t give you access at this time’. I have heard nothing since.
It hurts that I can’t trust him, that I can’t see him and that he is missing out on being with his daughter but he is in control of his actions and the choices he makes and when these have a detrimental effect on me and our kids, then I have to protect myself and my kids and say No. Even if he is my ex husband.
Legal costs are the only reason why I haven’t pursued anything. My lawyer said I am in no hurry for a divorce as I am not getting married again and because I work full time, I am not entitled to legal aid due to my salary. It costs 550 pounds to lodge an application for divorce in the scottish courts, plus lawyers fees and agreement of this.
I don’t require any legal orders for the kids as he is not contesting that they live with me. My worry would be if he seeks support through the court for access to his daughter and for me to defend this, would financially cripple me. But he has no money just now and I hope he would not force his daughter into a position where she needs to meet him at times when she doesn’t want to. I will prepare myself for court should it happen but I cannot give myself all the worry for what may or may not happen. I will cross that bridge if it comes to it.
They say when you are dealing with addiction, then the addict needs to live ‘one day at a time’.I never realised just how important that is for me too.
Live for today, cope with what I can, allow myself to recover and take it ‘one day at a time’. and stop giving myself a hard time for what has happened. I never wanted gambling in my life or any one of us to hurt but life gives you many difficulties you never knew you could survive.
And all I want is to survive and thrive, learn from this experience and move on with my life with no more tears and surprises along the way. ‘One day at a time Jenny T, one day at a time’
Thanks for listening. and a few tears as I feel sad but lighter as I have talked to those I know who completely understand. Thank you.
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