danchaser,
Thank you for writing here. The writing, insights and stream of consciousness are phenomenal. I have a glimpse of what my life could look like in 13 years if I continue to gamble. I’ve copied a few lines below because they express exactly what I’m trying to convey, except you’ve done so with a sense of wit and earnest that I can’t replicate. Wherever you are, I hope you come back to the forum, danchaser.
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two years into my recovery – when I decided there’d be nothing wrong with a small, sure-bet on a baseball game. Which it was, I won. But I didn’t stop there, I kept playing and winning and was up substantially. But then I went on a mini – and when I say mini, it was only 5% of my winnings – losing streak. Well, of course I had to make this back.
This time I know this critical thing: I CAN’T WIN! I can’t. Even when I win, I lose. But it’s OK that I lost. Hell, I was stressing out every day watching and paying attention to stupid MLB games that I normally switch the channel on instead of paying attention to the important people and things in my life.
It’s maddening. Not because I would have been up again, that’s not it. I’d have eventually given that back too. It’s the always telling myself what I should have done: should have doubled down, shouldn’t have ‘hit’, should have bet more/less on that hand/game, etc.
I was able to look my kids in the eyes and focus on what they were saying since my mind wasn’t preoccupied with which team was ahead/behind in whatever game I had placed a bet.
For me, over time, the anguish of the losses fade and are replaced by the memory of the winnings. The winnings are simply awesome. Sitting at a blackjack table with two, three or four stacks of chips 7-8 inches high with no end in sight is an incomparable rush. And this is what I eventually, ONLY remember: the profitable gambling outings and the depriving reality of my choice of not allowing myself to continue. 100% textbook addiction, no question about it, but it’s how it works for me.
“we desperately want our money back and the only way to do so in satisfatory manner is to win it back via the same manner in which we lost it. ”
Another thing I do is this: read the damn sports lines. When I read them and think to myself “so and so should cover that line”, or “those teams will easily cover the over/under”…nothing good will come of this. I simply remember the times I would have won – secretly regretting the fact that I didn’t have money on those games – while disregarding the times I would have lost since I conveniently have no action on those games and thus don’t feel the sting. It’s a win-win for my addiction and I have again set myself up to gamble again.
The other thing I have to understand is that I will always lose..in the end. This is coming from a pretty decent gambler. I can win 80% of the time I play and go home with the money. I can literally do this. But I have a problem. This problem is that I’m a compulsive gambler and I cannot accept a loss, no matter how small and cannot accept a win, no matter how big. I simply keep playing until the money is gone. Doesn’t matter if it takes a day, week, month or year, I’ll play until the last dollar in my pocket.